-
Hi Guest - Sign up now for Secret Santa 2024!
Click here to sign up! -
Hi Guest - Come check out all of the new CP Merch Shop! Now you can support CigarPass buy purchasing hats, apparel, and more...
Click here to visit! here...
Time for a JOKE
- Thread starter Rod
- Start date
!Landmark cort case in Lincoln Ne.
LINCOLN(AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Lincoln
courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who
should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by
his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in
keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity
be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat
him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references
and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary
custody to the Cornhusker football team, whom the judge, the boy,
and the entire court firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
LINCOLN(AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Lincoln
courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who
should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by
his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in
keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity
be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat
him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references
and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary
custody to the Cornhusker football team, whom the judge, the boy,
and the entire court firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
AVB
Jesus of Cool, I'm bad, I'm nationwide
- Joined
- Nov 14, 2003
- Messages
- 23,426
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving
an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test
features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have
to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please
scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific There is chaos all around
you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical
proportions. You are a photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST
Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying
not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.
It's George W. Bush.
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him
under forever. You have two options--you can save the life of George Bush, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
THE QUESTION
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.......
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic
simplicity of black and white? :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test
features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have
to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please
scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific There is chaos all around
you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical
proportions. You are a photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST
Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying
not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.
It's George W. Bush.
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him
under forever. You have two options--you can save the life of George Bush, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
THE QUESTION
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.......
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic
simplicity of black and white? :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
ggiese
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2004
- Messages
- 5,146
There was a young construction worker who was a rising star. He would arrive at work early every day - stay way past the time he was supposed to leave - and worked constantly while he was on the job site. The bosses were thrilled with him.
Every evening he would go to the local tavern with his two buddies, orangeman and indyrob. They were always seen together after work at this tavern, drinking and having a good old time. The three were inseperable.
On one fateful day, the construction worker was on the 40th floor when a gust of wind blew him off of the scaffolding and sent him plumetting to his death 40 floors below. It was a mess. His body was horribly disfigured, making him barely recognizable...
The police showed up and were horrified by what they saw. More importantly, identifying the young construction worker figured to be a huge problem, given the state of his body. The officer turned to the bystanders and asked, "does anybody know of any particular unqiue feature of this young man that would positively identify him?" After several moments, a bystander stepped forward and said, "yes - he has two assholes". The cop looked at the bystander and said, "two assholes?".
The bystander replied - "Yeah - every night when he would come into the tavern the bartender would mumble 'look - here comes that construction worker with the two assholes' "
Every evening he would go to the local tavern with his two buddies, orangeman and indyrob. They were always seen together after work at this tavern, drinking and having a good old time. The three were inseperable.
On one fateful day, the construction worker was on the 40th floor when a gust of wind blew him off of the scaffolding and sent him plumetting to his death 40 floors below. It was a mess. His body was horribly disfigured, making him barely recognizable...
The police showed up and were horrified by what they saw. More importantly, identifying the young construction worker figured to be a huge problem, given the state of his body. The officer turned to the bystanders and asked, "does anybody know of any particular unqiue feature of this young man that would positively identify him?" After several moments, a bystander stepped forward and said, "yes - he has two assholes". The cop looked at the bystander and said, "two assholes?".
The bystander replied - "Yeah - every night when he would come into the tavern the bartender would mumble 'look - here comes that construction worker with the two assholes' "
Wurm
Bratwurst and Beer
- Joined
- Oct 6, 2005
- Messages
- 6,141
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks toward the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in, he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks toward the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in, he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."
Shibumi
Looking for Effortless Perfection
- Joined
- May 30, 2005
- Messages
- 1,753
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most
beautiful, perfectly loaded Lexus and walked over to inspect it closer. As
she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an expected little
burst of flatulence escaped her.
Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed.
Sure enough, there standing right behind her was a salesman. With a
pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you
today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had
happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if
you farted just touching it, you're gonna sh*t when you hear the price."
beautiful, perfectly loaded Lexus and walked over to inspect it closer. As
she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an expected little
burst of flatulence escaped her.
Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed.
Sure enough, there standing right behind her was a salesman. With a
pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you
today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had
happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if
you farted just touching it, you're gonna sh*t when you hear the price."
Big100HD
Cigar junkie
- Joined
- Nov 27, 2003
- Messages
- 850
LIVING WILL
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
Shibumi
Looking for Effortless Perfection
- Joined
- May 30, 2005
- Messages
- 1,753
The Bug
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his
deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and
sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out of the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man along with his 6-year-old
daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all
of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a
moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything
sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It...it was only a
bug"
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment she said....
"Sure had a big d*ck, didn't it?"
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his
deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and
sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out of the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man along with his 6-year-old
daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all
of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a
moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything
sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It...it was only a
bug"
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment she said....
"Sure had a big d*ck, didn't it?"
Wurm
Bratwurst and Beer
- Joined
- Oct 6, 2005
- Messages
- 6,141
After numerous times of " We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the
letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
The message read 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled,so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides
had no clue either,so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it,
so it went to the CIA, then to NSA. With no clue as to its meaning,they eventually asked Britain's MI-5 for help. MI-5 cabled the White House:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the
letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
The message read 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled,so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides
had no clue either,so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it,
so it went to the CIA, then to NSA. With no clue as to its meaning,they eventually asked Britain's MI-5 for help. MI-5 cabled the White House:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
Very Short Fairy Tail, Read it before you delete it.............
http://us.f517.mail.yahoo.com/ym/us/ShowLe...=a&head=b&Idx=6A
Once upon a time, a handsome prince asked
a fair maiden of the village,
"Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "No!"
So the prince lived happily ever after,
and went fishing and hunting,
and played a lot golf,
and drank beer
and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
http://us.f517.mail.yahoo.com/ym/us/ShowLe...=a&head=b&Idx=6A
Once upon a time, a handsome prince asked
a fair maiden of the village,
"Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "No!"
So the prince lived happily ever after,
and went fishing and hunting,
and played a lot golf,
and drank beer
and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
A guy walked into a redneck bar and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.
The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy said, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy said nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us! "
The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy said, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy said nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us! "
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make
room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed
them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "this could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said "we are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said while lauging, "it's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was
somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?", the workers asked.
"The 1956 University of Kansas National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed
them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "this could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said "we are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said while lauging, "it's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was
somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?", the workers asked.
"The 1956 University of Kansas National Hide-and-Seek Champion."