Time for a JOKE

[AVB]

Larry the Accountant gets a Tattoo












Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the
hell have you been?" He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in
disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill
tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow, two, once in a while I like
to play with my money, three, I like how money feels in my hand and
lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at
home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

 

[psyktek]

You know you're living in 2005 when...


1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a
business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get
an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the
screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list.

 

[SFG75]

OK, A little bear goes to court because his parents abuse him.
Then the judge asks why he does not want to stay with his dad.
The little bear said his dad beat him.
Then the judge said "what about your mom?"
"No, she beats me too" said the little bear.
The judge asked who his favorite relative was, but the little bear didn't have one.
So the little bear just asked "can i stay with the Chicago bears,..............
they dont beat anyone"

No offense to our Chi-town members. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

 

[stevehawk]

A Poker Player

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sally wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral
costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him
that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sally the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this
afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sally answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

 

[guinnessguy]

Guy walks up to a vending machine and gets in line behind a blond standing in front of the machine. He watches as she puts in 50 cents, hits the button, waits for the soda to drop, and giggles crazily as she takes the can out. She repeats this 4 times before the guy taps her on the shoulder and says.."Excuse me, but what exactly are you doing?, to which the blond replies..."Duuuuhhh, I'm WINNING!"

 

[SFG75]

Government Tactics

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

 

[SFG75]

The chatty wife

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
"Now don't be silly dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket,
the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says,
"You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for
the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers
at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says,
"And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer,
I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so
that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well
that you didn't have your seat belt on.
You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third
ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,
"WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
"Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


She answers,


"Only When He's Drinking"

 

[Emmo]

Suzuki


It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who said, "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'"

Again, no response except from Suzuki who said, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863"

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you."

She heard a loud whisper, "Screw the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Suzuki said, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh!t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Suzuki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh!t, we're in BIG trouble!"

Suzuki said, "Arthur Andersen, 2002."

 

[hudsonvalley]

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honey moon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel. So, the husband left a day earlier and when he checked into the hotel he found there was a computer in the room so he emailed his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile somewhere in Houston a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was minister of many years and was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from friends and relatives. After reading the first message, she fainted and her son rushed into the room and found her on the floor. He read the computer screen:

To: My loving wife

Subject:I've arrived

Date: January 31, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is hot down here!

From here

 

[CoventryCat86]

Topped for GOOD jokes only (ya got that wrum?) :laugh:

 

[Wurm]

Topped for GOOD jokes only (ya got that wrum?) :laugh:

[snapback]249972[/snapback]​

Your a joke alright... :thumbs:

 

[CoventryCat86]

Topped for GOOD jokes only (ya got that wrum?) :laugh:

[snapback]249972[/snapback]​

Your a joke alright... :thumbs:

[snapback]249984[/snapback]​

It's YOU'RE

Keep digging wrum....

You're not too bright are you?

 

[ggiese]

Topped for GOOD jokes only (ya got that wrum?) :laugh:

[snapback]249972[/snapback]​

Your a joke alright... :thumbs:

[snapback]249984[/snapback]​

Sheeessshhh... :sign:

30 days and full of piss and vinegar... :whistling:

 

[stevehawk]

Topped for GOOD jokes only (ya got that wrum?) :laugh:

[snapback]249972[/snapback]​

Your a joke alright... :thumbs:

[snapback]249984[/snapback]​

Sheeessshhh... :sign:

30 days and full of piss and vinegar... :whistling:

[snapback]249993[/snapback]​

Ah... reminds me of myself at that age! :laugh:

 

[ggiese]

Topped for GOOD jokes only (ya got that wrum?) :laugh:

[snapback]249972[/snapback]​

Your a joke alright... :thumbs:

[snapback]249984[/snapback]​

Sheeessshhh... :sign:

30 days and full of piss and vinegar... :whistling:

[snapback]249993[/snapback]​

Ah... reminds me of myself at that age! :laugh:

[snapback]250264[/snapback]​

That was only three years ago, Steve... :laugh:

 

[Lee]

Muwaaaaaahhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Looks like the early bird got the wurm.... :laugh:

 

[Randyb1]

Holy cra... Bill for a sec. there I thought you got your old buddy Scott to start posting again

The chatty wife

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
"Now don't be silly dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket,
the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says,
"You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for
the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers
at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says,
"And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer,
I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so
that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well
that you didn't have your seat belt on.
You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third
ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,
"WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
"Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


She answers,


"Only When He's Drinking"

[snapback]165237[/snapback]​

 

[Krautle87]

Top 30 Chuck Norris facts.

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

10. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

11. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No fat Chicks.

12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

14. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

15. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

17. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

19. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

20. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

21. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

22. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

23. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

26. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

27. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

30. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

 

[CoventryCat86]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find
a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The
owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy
over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this
morning to get something for his cough. I
couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave
him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat
a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's
afraid to cough!"

 

[CoventryCat86]

Holy cra... Bill for a sec. there I thought you got your old buddy Scott to start posting again

The chatty wife

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
"Now don't be silly dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket,
the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says,
"You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for
the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers
at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says,
"And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer,
I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so
that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well
that you didn't have your seat belt on.
You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third
ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,
"WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
"Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


She answers,


"Only When He's Drinking"

[snapback]165237[/snapback]​

[snapback]250360[/snapback]​

LMAO! He knows better than to post here.

I gotta admit though, that joke he posted was a pretty good one :laugh: