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Time for a JOKE

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know
most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of
others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.
 
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
> steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $0.38
Saying the right thing at the right time . . Priceless
 
THE PARROT

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,

Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of
Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited
for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's
really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,

"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about
the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi, Keith!"
 
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think 500 pounds is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
 
A litle boy asked his grandma one day"Grandma,why dont you have a boyfriend?Grandma said"honey,I am too old for a man,besides I have the TV for my boyfriend.I can sit wiyh it all day long.The comedys make me laugh.The soaps give me romance.I just love having the TV as my boyfriend"
At that point,Grandma turns on the TV.The picture is fuzzy so she starts fiddling with the rabbit ears,turning knobs and finally hitting the side of the TV.The little boy hears the doorbell and goes into the front room,opens the door and finds the preacher standing there
"Where is your grandmother,son?"the preacher asks.
"Oh,shes in the bedroom banging her boyfriend"
 
Why does a bride wear a white dress?

So the dishwasher can match the refrigerator and the oven!!!
 
From the women's hater club -

How do you make a female cum -






















Who cares. :laugh:

no wonder I am on my 2nd wife :laugh:
 
What do you call a gay scientist who finds the cure for cancer,wins the nobel peace prize,and donates all his wealth to the poor?
































A faggot :0 :laugh:
 
A Bowl of Lifesavers
>>
>>A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first
graders,
>>using a bowl of Lifesavers.
>>
>>The children began to say: " Red............cherry,"
>>"Yellow.........lemon," "Green..........lime,"
>>"Orange.........orange,"
>>
>>Finally the teacher gave them all honey Lifesavers.
>>
>>After eating them none of the children could identify the
taste.
>>
>>"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue; It's what your
mother
>>may sometimes call your father."
>>
>>One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out
and
>>yelled: "Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!"
 
A guy who has a really bad stutter was walking down the street one day
when he bumps into an old friend.

"It's been a long time," says the friend, "What have you been up to?"

" I a-a-almost got m-m-m-married," the man replies.

"What do you mean almost?" the friend asks.

"W-w-w-we were sitting on the p-p-porch, and the d-dog was
s-s-scratching his back, and I said, 'H-h-honey, w-w-w-would y-y-you do that f-f-f-for me?' and she p-p-punched me out and l-l-left."

"All you did was ask her to scratch your back? What's wrong with that?"
inquired the friend.

"W-w-well, by the time I g-g-g-got it out, he was l-l-licking his
b-b-balls
 
A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the
doctor' office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush. You have >AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I
do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage,
a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10
Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and
top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"


No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is
for."
 
Some of these are pretty good. Others give me a good idea of who I should never trade with or trust. If we could possibly keep the objectively bigotted jokes to a minimum, some of us would appreciate it.
 
smokelaw1 said:
Some of these are pretty good. Others give me a good idea of who I should never trade with or trust. If we could possibly keep the objectively bigotted jokes to a minimum, some of us would appreciate it.
Click to expand...

I agree :thumbs:
 
Those jokes are funny :) Thanks I needed a good laugh after the week I've had.

:sign: I mostly ignore the ones that aren't funny, to me...
 
Sorry guys,I didnt mean to offend anyone.I saw a few other gay jokes on here and thought it would be alright.Ill do better next time.
 
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