Time for a JOKE

[CoventryCat86]

Being from CA, I gotta say that California joke was a dud :whistling:
It might have been funny in the mid 90's though so "A" for effort

[snapback]156453[/snapback]​

I thought it was pretty good

How's that joke go? Take the country, stand it up on end, shake it and all the loose nuts fall to the bottom (California)?

Yep another dud

 

[BrownDevil]

Being from CA, I gotta say that California joke was a dud :whistling:
It might have been funny in the mid 90's though so "A" for effort

[snapback]156453[/snapback]​

I thought it was pretty good

How's that joke go? Take the country, stand it up on end, shake it and all the loose nuts fall to the bottom (California)?

Yep another dud

[snapback]156625[/snapback]​

D-D-Dud
You can do better than that kitty

joke:
What do you call a blonde in a closet?
Last year's hide & seek winner :laugh:

 

[CoventryCat86]

Being from CA, I gotta say that California joke was a dud :whistling:
It might have been funny in the mid 90's though so "A" for effort

[snapback]156453[/snapback]​

I thought it was pretty good

How's that joke go? Take the country, stand it up on end, shake it and all the loose nuts fall to the bottom (California)?

Yep another dud

[snapback]156625[/snapback]​

D-D-Dud
You can do better than that kitty

joke:
What do you call a blonde in a closet?
Last year's hide & seek winner :laugh:

[snapback]156628[/snapback]​

May be a dud to a Californian but it gets lots of laughs everywhere else

 

[PuroBrat]

*************************************
An elderly couple, Palmer and Myrtle, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Palmer always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"

Myrt looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Palmer storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Myrt looks up and says, "Palmer, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Palmer yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, Myrtle? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!"

To which Myrtle replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Palmer. Shoulda bought a hat."

 

[PuroBrat]

***********************************
Babe calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28-ounce water pump.

"A what?" says the confused parts guy.

"My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."

"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?"

"A Datsun."

As the parts guy writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. water pump" the light in his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps. "

"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about."

"Yes ma'am. That's because we're a full-service parts warehouse; it's our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up, Datsun 280Z water pump, part number...

 

[Seizure]

***********************************
Babe calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28-ounce water pump.

"A what?" says the confused parts guy.

"My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."

"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?"

"A Datsun."

As the parts guy writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. water pump" the light in his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps. "

"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about."

"Yes ma'am. That's because we're a full-service parts warehouse; it's our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up, Datsun 280Z water pump, part number...

[snapback]157599[/snapback]​

I don't get it.

 

[bfreebern]

I didn't find it funny either, but I think she meant to say "280 Z" instead of a 28 oz water pump.

 

[Lumberg]

_I_ though 280Z water pump was funny, but I used to be a mechanic.

 

[wam79]

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure.

When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

:laugh: :laugh:

 

[wam79]

All the better to light your cigar...


Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he did not have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter. "Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster?" "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, he is right here in my golf bag." "Could I see him?" He opened his golf bag and out popped the genie. The friend turned to the genie and said, "I am a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said. "I wish for a million bucks!" The genie hopped back into the golf bag and left him standing there waiting for his wish to be delivered. Suddenly the sky began to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead was heard. The friend turned to his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!" "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"

 

[psyktek]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks by, looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"
"Smoking a joint", says the monkey, "come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and they share a few hits. After awhile the lizard says, "My mouth is dry, I'm goin' down to the river to get a drink."

The lizard is so stoned that when he leans over to get a drink, he falls in. A passing crocodile sees this and helps him over to the bank.

"What's the matter with you?", says the croc. The lizards tells him about the monkey, the tree and the joint, so the croc decides to go take a look.

He finds the tree, looks up at the monkey and says, "Hey! What's up?"

The monkey looks down at the croc and says....


"Fuuuuuuuuuck, dude...how much water did you drink?"

 

[hudsonvalley]

True Story:


My wife asks me "Why do you smoke those smelly cigars? You know I don't like them, don't you like me more?"

I said "Sure I like you more. But no matter how long I have this cigar I know the butt will stay the same size!"

:sign:

[snapback]42941[/snapback]​

True story. I came home from work one day and my wife and her best friend were having coffee. I petted the dog and said hello. Her friend said, "Boy, Tom, you give the dog a more loving hello than you give your wife!"

I said, "Well, she doesn't jump up on me and shake her tail when I walk in the door."

 

[hudsonvalley]

An old couple is sitting on the bed on their 50th anniversary. The wife sits there thinking and then smacks him across the ear. "That's for 50 years of bad sex!" she says.

He sits there, rubs his ear for a minute then hauls off and smacks her. "That's for knowing the difference!"

 

[CoventryCat86]

A touching moment....

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish", she
asks will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get
mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
”Osama Bin Laden", she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?", her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little."
"And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. and then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he
loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells with pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful
thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa said. "And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow his ass away."

 

[BkCloud114]

Almost fell off the chair laughing at that one

 

[CoventryCat86]

Same with me too bkcloud :laugh:

I receive many, many "joke" emails from friends. I forward very few of them but I enjoy receiving them. Once in a great while one REALLY gets me laughing and this was today's :laugh: I received it from one of my political friends, a very nice lady who's the Registrar of Voters in Pomfret, CT :laugh:

Probably the best one I've seen in a long time.

 

[cigarsarge]

I read this one somewhere this week. I don't remember where...but here goes.


Two drunks were sitting in a bar. One drunk jumps up and says "I gota take a crap."

He goes to the restroom and comes back out. He says to his friend, "Thats the strangest commode I ever used. Every time I flushed something pinched my balls.

His friend went to look at the commode. He came back out and said, "You gotta be the dumbest man in the world. You just took a crap in the mop bucket."

 

[Islesfan]

One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:



"Talking Dog for Sale."



He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The
guy goes into the backyard and sees a Golden Retriever just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Golden replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Golden looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift,and in no
time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with
spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport
to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and
was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm
just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that ****!"

 

[BkCloud114]

An Irishman's First Baseball Game

An Irishman moves to the USA. Finally attends his
first baseball game.
The first batter approached the batters' box, took
a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone was on there feet screaming
"Run, Run."

The next batter hits a single. The Irishman listened as the crowd again
cheered "RUN, RUN"!!
The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans. The
fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk".

The batter started his slow trot to first base. The Irishman stood up and
screamed, "Rrrrun ye lazy bastard, rrrun!"
The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back
down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and
explained "He can't run -- he's got four balls."

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad."

 

[BkCloud114]

You are driving along a two lane road with a no passing sign posted and you come upon a bicycle rider.

Do you follow the slow moving bicycle for the next 2 miles, or do you break the law and pass?

You make the choice.


(See: Driving Test Question.jpg)



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