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Time for a JOKE

Heard on CarTalk last week:

An elderly gentleman walks into a bar and spots a well-preserved elderly woman. He sidles up to her and asks, "So, do I come here often?"
 
To Be 6 Again
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
observing his wife turning back and forth, looking
at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was
not far off he asked what she'd like to have for
her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in
the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early,
made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and
then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a
day! He put her on every ride in the park; the
Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming
Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hour later they staggered out of the theme
park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt
upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop,
and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous
adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being
six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression
suddenly changed, "I meant my dress size, you
dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is
listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
 
King Arthur and the Witch:


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?















Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?



























The moral is.....






If you don't let a woman have her own way....










Things are going to get ugly
 
A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the United States Forest
Service(USFS) were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for
controlling the coyote population. It seemed that, after years of
the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or
trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the
males castrated, then let loose again ... and the population would be
controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep
Grower's association by Sierra Club and USFS.
Well, all the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, kicked his hat back and said, "Son,I don't think you understand the problem. These coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep- they're eatin' them!
_________________
 
These are great, here's one I've always got a kick out of.

After being robed several times, a cigar shop owner goes to a kennel and explains that he would like to by a watchdog. After being shown several dogs the shop owner explains that he wants a really mean dog. The kennel owner takes him to a kennel in which was a huge dog barking and growling furiously with foam coming out of his mouth, “what do you think of this one” The shop owner asks “Do you have anything meaner, I want a real man killer”. The kennel owner explains that he does have a true man killer and takes no responsibility for the dog’s actions if he is interested. The shop owner asks to see the dog. When they get to the cage which held the dog, all he sees is a dog lying there licking his butt. “You said this dog was a real killer and all I see is a dog licking his butt” the kennel owner replies “ The reason his licking his but he just got done killing a lawyer and is trying to get rid of the taste left in his mouth”
 
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!

Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
 
Could be, I haven't been keeping up with the thread.
 
I heard this one a few weeks ago from some comedian:

So a Priest and a freind are out fishing and the Preist catches this huge fish, and the freind says, "Wow, would you look at that Sum-a-bitch!" Well the Priest explains that he's a man of the cloth and his freind shouldn't say such things. So his buddy says, "No, No, that's the fish's name, Sum-a-bitch." So the priest says allright and takes his fish home.

Then later that day the Priest shows his Bishop the fish and says, "Take a look at this Sum-a-bitch I caught this morning." Well the Bishop looks at him funny and says, "We're both men of the cloth and we're in a house of God, you can't say that!" So the Priest explains what his freind told him, and the Bishop says that the Pope is coming to town and they should cook this fish for him.

So later that night the Pope, Bishop and Priest are gathered before dinner. The Bishop states, "Boy I can't wait to eat that Sum-a-bitch" and the Priest answers with, "Oh yeah, that Sum-a-bitch is going to be real good!"

And the Pope looks at the two of them and says, "You know what, you fu(kers are all right!"
 
Not really jokes, but I thought they were pretty funny:
  • IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer were being hit by cars." and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
    This one was from Kingman, KS.
  • IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
    And this was in Kansas City, KS!
  • IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? " To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
    Happened in Birmingham, Al.
  • IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
    Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
    She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
  • IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
    This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
  • IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
    A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.
  • IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
    This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
*they walk among us --- and REPRODUCE!!

Scary, isn't it???

 
Heres another funny, no doubt fictional, but plausable.

A Japanese company and an American company decided to
have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and
hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very
discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the
crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to
investigate and recommend appropriate action Their conclusion was the
Japanese had eight people rowing and one person steering, while the
American team had eight people steering and one person rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a
large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many
people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management
structure was totally reorganized to four steering supervisors, three
area steering superintendents and one assistant superintendent
steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the one
person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called
the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and
free pens for the rower.

There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other
equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American
management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development
of a new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital investments
for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior
Executives as bonuses, and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.
 
The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the ! sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4- These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5- These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


A New Wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
 
The Rabbi's Salary


A very popular and prominent young Rabbi gave a sermon in his synagogue, and announced to the congregation that he would soon be leaving because he was offered a higher paying position with another synagogue in another state....
The congregation was shocked and very saddened to hear this unexpected news...
Mr. Cohen, who owned a Cadillac dealership stood up and announced, 'If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every four years and free repairs on it..."
The congregation burst into applause and the Rabbi thanked Mr. Cohen from the pulpit.
Mr. Silverman, who owned a banquet hall then stood up and announced, "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him free catering service for his son's Bar Mitzvah as well as his daughter's wedding.."
Again the congregation applauded.
Mr. Stein, the clothier stood up and offered to provide free clothing for the Rabbi and his family, and again there was more thunderous applause...
Mrs. Finkelstein jumped up and loudly proclaimed, "If the Rabbi stays...I'll give him SEX!!"
The congregation gasped, as the Rabbi, obviously flustered and embarrassed by the comment, stammered, "Mrs. Finkelstein...whatever prompted that strange offer?
"Well, she said,...I asked my husband Sidney what we could give to make you stay with us, and he said 'F**** the Rabbi'!".




and




THE PREACHER'S RAISES


A preacher went to his congregation to ask for
a raise because his wife was expecting a baby.
After much consideration and discussion, they
passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family
expanded, so would his paycheck.
These raises began to get expensive after six
children and the congregation held another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the
crowd.
"Children are a gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.
From the back pew, a little old lady stood up and said, in a frail voice,
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."
 
Captain Leafheart said:
The Rabbi's Salary


A very popular and prominent young Rabbi gave a sermon in his synagogue, and announced to the congregation that he would soon be leaving because he was offered a higher paying position with another synagogue in another state....
The congregation was shocked and very saddened to hear this unexpected news...
Mr. Cohen, who owned a Cadillac dealership stood up and announced, 'If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every four years and free repairs on it..."
The congregation burst into applause and the Rabbi thanked Mr. Cohen from the pulpit.
Mr. Silverman, who owned a banquet hall then stood up and announced, "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him free catering service for his son's Bar Mitzvah as well as his daughter's wedding.."
Again the congregation applauded.
Mr. Stein, the clothier stood up and offered to provide free clothing for the Rabbi and his family, and again there was more thunderous applause...
Mrs. Finkelstein jumped up and loudly proclaimed, "If the Rabbi stays...I'll give him SEX!!"
The congregation gasped, as the Rabbi, obviously flustered and embarrassed by the comment, stammered, "Mrs. Finkelstein...whatever prompted that strange offer?
"Well, she said,...I asked my husband Sidney what we could give to make you stay with us, and he said 'F**** the Rabbi'!".




and




THE PREACHER'S RAISES


A preacher went to his congregation to ask for
a raise because his wife was expecting a baby.
After much consideration and discussion, they
passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family
expanded, so would his paycheck.
These raises began to get expensive after six
children and the congregation held another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the
crowd.
"Children are a gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.
From the back pew, a little old lady stood up and said, in a frail voice,
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."
Click to expand...
these are coffee spitting GOOD! :p
 
Points to Ponder (Part I)

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Why is a boxing ring square?
How do they get deer to cross at those yellow road signs?
Why don't you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
How can the weather be "hot as hell" one day and "cold as hell" another?
If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Why do they call it a TV "set" when you only get one?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbit's foot?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush hour"?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
If the plural of tooth is "teeth," why isn't the plural of booth "beeth"?
How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
Would a part-time bandleader be considered a semi-conductor?
Can someone be a closet claustrophobic?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
If you ate pasta and antipasta at the same time, would you still be hungry?
How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?
If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Why do most countries have only one Monopolies Commission?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made from?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," is "Congress" the opposite of "progress"?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed Up?
Why are wrong numbers never busy?


Points to Ponder (Part II)

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were drowning, and you could only save one, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
If it only takes one dollar a day to feed a child in Africa, why does it take two dollars a day to lose weight with Jenny Craig?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Are there cemetery workers that don’t work the graveyard shift?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
Is there another word for "synonym"?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
What could porn actors possibly do for fun during their time off?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
Why do skydivers wear helmets?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of its nose?
Can you imagine a world without hypothetical situations?
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "Fours"?
Why is it called "after dark," when it is really "after light"?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell "mnemonic"?
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why do "tugboats" push?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we’re already there?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest complete sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest?
Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Can an ambidextrous person make an off-handed remark?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Could it be that boulders are statues of big rocks?
Do bleached blondes pretend to have more fun?


Points to Ponder (Part III) Almost there..... ???

Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just seem longer?
Do police sketch artists start out by drawing chalk outlines?
Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch tapeworms?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How would you throw away a garbage can?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him—is he still wrong?
If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If a person thinks marathons are superior to sprints, is that racism?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If vampires can’t see their own reflections, how is it that their hair is always so neat?
If convenience stores are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is animal shampoo tested on humans?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Should a mute be yelled at for talking with their hands full?
Should crematoriums give a discount to burn victims?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called "builts"?
When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?


Points to Ponder (Part IV) FINALLY..... :rolleyes:

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why do we recite at a play and play at a recital?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?
Why don't they call moustaches "mouthbrows"?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it?
Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
What's the speed of dark?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
 
A good reason to go AWOL

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued
him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has now been
looking for Herman for 51 years.
 
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than she.
 
TWO GUYS AT HOME DEPOT LOOKING FOR THEIR WIVES


Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking
for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours
 
Mr. Anderson goes to see his doctor feeling a bit unwell. The doctor checks him over and eventually finds a couple bags of money up his ass. He pulls them out and can't resist totaling up the value of the find.
"Well," says Dr. Lieberman, "I've found $1999.99 up your tuchus."
"Hmmm," replies the patient, "that would explain why I've not been feeling too grand..." :laugh:
 
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