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Morning Chuckle

Steve runs into Dave in town and wonders to himself if all the rumors of Dave getting a mail order bride are true, after all Dave is 75 years old.
Steve comes right out and asks Dave if what he had heard was true.
Dave acknowledges that he had indeed married a twenty one year old girl.
Well Steve being Dave's best friend, get's to thinking and suggests to Dave that he should get a farm hand to help around the farm, seeing as how he's getting up in age. Steve figures that nature will take it's course and everybody will be happy.
Time goes by and Steve runs into his old friend in town and asks him how things are at the ranch.
"Just fine", answers Dave,"my wife is pregnant"
Steve smiles and asks "how's the farmhand working out?"
She's pregnant too" answers Dave.
 
Great jokes ya'll.

I know it isn't morning, but here is one of my favorites:

A Chinese man and woman fell in love and got married. Neither wanted the other to know that they were unfamiliar with the ways of the world so they were each trying to come up with fun things to do on their wedding night.

The wife, with a flash of inspiration, says to her new husband, "On this, our wedding night, I will do anything to you that you want."
The husband says, "You know, I always want to try number 69."
"You want the beef with broccoli?" the wife replies.
 
nobius said:
Great jokes ya'll.

I know it isn't morning, but here is one of my favorites:

A Chinese man and woman fell in love and got married. Neither wanted the other to know that they were unfamiliar with the ways of the world so they were each trying to come up with fun things to do on their wedding night.

The wife, with a flash of inspiration, says to her new husband, "On this, our wedding night, I will do anything to you that you want."
The husband says, "You know, I always want to try number 69."
"You want the beef with broccoli?" the wife replies.
Click to expand...
Now that's funny! :laugh: :laugh:
 
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
 
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances and coaching at this stage of the plan.

"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher.
"Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room was very quiet. Finally, a guy in the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it okay if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face
 
Fred walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm. He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his wife is in bed, reading a magazine. "Honey," says Fred, "This is the pig I've been screwing when you're not available." "Fred," the wife says, "That's not a pig. That's a sheep." "Shut up," says Fred. "I wasn't talking to you."




A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
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A man goes into the doctor's office and declare that he has a gas problem "but not to worry i've farted twenty times since i've been in your office and they never smell and are always silent."
The doctor replies "hmmmm! I think i know the problem" and prescribes some pills to take and tells the man to come back in a month.
A month goes by and the man returns to the doctor's office.
"Doc those pills that you prescribed have changed something, my gas now smells horrible." the man declares.
The doctor replies "now that we've fixed your ability to smell, we'll work on your hearing problem.
 
In the court room at a paternity suit Judy's lawyer asks "did the defendent have sex with you on a street named Lover's Lane, approximately at 11:45 pm."
"Yes" replied Judy.
"And did the defendent have a climax?" asks the lawyer.
"No, replied Judy, he had a regular Ford pickup truck."
 
It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then went
downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed a
tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"

She walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer".

"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?"
 
A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'.

The boyfriend says 'Well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for two months'.

'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.

'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.
 
Guy goes to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off his penis.
According to the nurse that helped with the removal, his girl friend found his ring in his pocket and used petroleum jelly to slip it on his manhood.
I don't know what's worse.
1) Telling your wife how the ring got there.
2) Knowing your wedding ring fits your penis.
 
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

=====================================


Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
To confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
 
Billy Joe Bob was not an educated man, but he was known far and wide as a famous portrait painter.
People came from all over to have their portraits done by him.
One day a long limousine with a beatiful blonde drove up to his house, the blonde got out of her car and asked him if he would paint her in the nude,
Well, no one had ever requested that before, and he didn't want to get in trouble with his cousin/ wife Bobby Sue.
"I'll have to ask my wife/ cousin if it's o.k." says Billy.
He goes into the house and emerges after a while and agrees to do the painting.
" I'll do the painting says Billy, but i'll have to leave my socks on so as to be able to wipe my brushes on them instead of the bushes."
 
The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said...
'Beautiful, just fu*kin' BEATUIFUL!' "
 
An older couple wake up after a long beautiful sleep.
The husband reaches over and holds her hand.
The wife says "Don't touch me"
"Why not?" asks the husband.
"I'm dead" she responds.
" What are you talking about? You're laying here talking to me" says the husband
"I must be dead, i don't feel any pain."
 
Dave lived at home with his father helping run the family business.
He went to an investment seminar after he realized that he would be inheriting millions of dollars as his father was sickly.
While Dave was sitting at the seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Realizing he needed a partner to share his new life, he approached the woman and said,"I might look like an ordinary man, but i stand to inherit millions of dollars once my sickly father passes on."
The woman walks over and starts a conversation, after a while she asks him for his business card.
Three days later she was his step-mother.
 
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:
1) Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
2) Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
3) There are two 2 theories to arguing with a woman........ neither works.
4) Never miss a chance to shut up.
5) Always drink upstream from the herd.
6) If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7) The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8) There are three kinds of men:The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out by themselves.
9) Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
10) If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11) Lettin' the cat out the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12) After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him dead. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
More later.
 
An Amish couple had just been married and had gone to a hotel for their honeymoon. The Amish man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said this occasion was very special to them and they needed a good room. The clerk asked if he wanted the bridal. The Amish fellow thought about it a while and then replied, 'No, I guess not, I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'
 
A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask you father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said,
"Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
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A five year old and a four year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the five year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."

The four year old nods his head in approval. The 5 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell", and you say "ass", okay?" The four year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the five year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."...WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs bawling.

The mom looks at the four year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I'm not sure," he says, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
 
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