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Morning Chuckle

Mrs. Smith was upstairs folding laundry while her son was playing outside. Suddenly she hears the front door being thrown open.

"Mom!!!", yells her son.

"Billy, how many times have I told you to stop yelling across the house? Now walk up here and tell me what you want!"

"But Mom...!!", yells her son.

"Billy, I told you not to yell. Now walk up here and tell me what you want!", she replied.

"Well, okay", said Billy.

Billy walks across the living room carpet, climbs the steps, walks down the upstairs hallway and goes into the room where his mother is waiting.

"Okay, Billy", she says, "now you can tell me what you want.

"I stepped in a pile of dog shit. Where's the hose?"
 
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. ''But officer,'' the man said, ''I can explain.''
''Just be quiet!!!'' snapped the officer. ''Or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back.''
''But officer, I just wanted to say...''
''And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!''
A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, ''Lucky for you the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a great mood when he gets here.''
''Don't count on it,'' said the prisoner. ''I'm the groom.''
 
Subject: Turpentine vs Holy Water

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The priest said, "No my son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
 
Perks of reaching 50!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be the first released.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere...
04. People call at 9 pm and ask, "did I wake you?"
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold in your stomach no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is down to manageable size.
 
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
 
Two homeless guys are walking down the street when they see a dog up ahead of them licking his balls...

One guy says "Boy...I wish I could do that"
His buddy says "You might want to try and pet him first..."
 
How Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $38,000 over budget. We must cut back overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.
 
gtadroptop said:
How Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $38,000 over budget. We must cut back overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.
Click to expand...
:laugh: Thanks! I needed that, damn post office.
 
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker, 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow!'
 
gtadroptop said:
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker, 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow!'
Click to expand...

HAHAHAHA That was a good one.
 
Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this? It gets worse........ next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?
 
gtadroptop said:
Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this? It gets worse........ next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?
Click to expand...

Who knows. Small cox?
 
A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
_______________________________________________________________________________
How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?

When you call the front desk and say 'I gotta leak in my sink', and the
clerk replies, 'Go ahead'.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:

1) The DNA is all the same

2) There are no dental records
_______________________________________________________________________________
Who invented the toothbrush ?

A Redneck. (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush)
_______________________________________________________________________________
Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ?

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
_______________________________________________________________________________
A new Redneck law was just recently passed

When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Did you hear that the Redneck governor's mansion burned down ?

'Yep.. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.. The library was a total
loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor hadn't
even finished colorin' one of 'em.'
_______________________________________________________________________________
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, 'Got any I.D. ? ' , and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'
 
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.


And from the sky comes a booming voice ......


"Shit, I missed!"
 
Aging Aunt Mildread was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken.

Not wanting to miss the organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said 'Your heart would be just below your left breast.


Later that night, Aunt Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.


Happy April Fool's Day!
 
Irish humor

>

> An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes

> upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

>

> He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

>

> The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,

> whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

>

> The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am."

>

> So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

>

> He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

>

> The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

>

> The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little

> longer.

>

> He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus,

> brother?"

>

> The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

>

> By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again --

> but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins

> kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

>

> The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found

> Jesus?"

>

>


>

>

> The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,

> catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

>

> "Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
 
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