• Hi Guest - Come check out all of the new CP Merch Shop! Now you can support CigarPass buy purchasing hats, apparel, and more...
    Click here to visit! here...

Morning Chuckle

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff.None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up tp him. She came into his room and announced, 'I have to take your temperature.' After complaining for several minutes, he settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. 'No i'm sorry, the nurse stated, for this reading i can,t use an oral thermometer.'
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'i have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until i get back.'
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
After about half an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.'What's going on here?' asks the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, 'what's the matter, doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?
After a pause, the doctor confesses, 'not with a carnation.'
 
A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Boobs."
 
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg receives an invitation to a masquerade party and can't figure out how to cover his head or leg, so he writes a letter to a costume company and explains his situation.
A few days later he finds a package and a note which explains that a pirate's suit is ideal to cover his head and his wooden leg would look like part of the costume.
This infuriates the man and he writes a letter that exclaims that he would never let anyone see his leg at the party.
A few days after the letter is received another package arrives with a note inside. The letter states that the monks costume will cover his leg and his bald head would look the part of the costume.
Again the man is outraged, he writes a letter to the company that he would never reveal his head to be part of a costume.
The costume company sends a small package to the man and in the package is a bottle of honey and a letter which insructs the man to pour the honey all over himself and to put his wooden leg up his ass and go as a caramel apple.
 
A gentlemanly old farmer was going door to door selling peaches from a basket.
He knock at the first door and a beautiful woman in a lingerie answered the door.
'Yes can i help you' she asked.
'I'm selling these juicy ripe peaches ma'am' he replied.
She pushed her gown to one side and asked ' are they as big as this?'
'Yes ma'am' he replied, as a tear ran down his face.
She pushed her gown the opposite side and asked 'Are they as pink as this?'
'yes ma'am' he said, as another another tear ran down his face.
The beautiful woman pushed down her panties and asked 'are they as fuzzy as this?'
'Yes ma'am' the old man said, as he broke down crying.
The woman was surprised and bent down to help him and asked 'what's wrong?'
The old man replied ' first the wind destroyed my corn, then the rain took my soy, now i'm going to get fooked out of my peaches'
 
Women's Lib International Conference

The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing. But on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing.
But on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well."

The crowd again cheered.

The third speaker, a Southern lady, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told that lazy husband of mine, Billy Bob, that I was through picking up his beer cans and washing his underwear and that he was going to have to do them himself."

The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes.

She continued, "After the first day, I never see nuthin'. After the second day I never see nuthin'. But after the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye!"






A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday.

His wife told him, "Tomorrow there'd better be something in the driveway
for me, that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package on the driveway.

When she opened the package, she found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
 
A Texas redneck.was stopped by a game warden in East Texas recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a river well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"

The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the redneck.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"
_________________
 
Ohio's governor was touring the Bellview Mental Institute and was being escorted the institute director.

As they pass a particular room there is a man swinging a pretend baseball bat and when the Governor asked him what he was doing the man replies "I am a baseball player and I am leaving for the big league tomorrow"

The governor walks on down the hall and sees a man swinging a pretend golf club and when the Governor asked what he was doing the man says "I am a golfer and I am leaving for the PGA tour tomorrow"

Next the Governor passes a room with a man laying on his bed naked. The Governor steps in the room and sees that the man has a huge hard-on and he is balancing peanuts on his unit one at a time and then removing them to balance another. The Governor asks what he is doing and the guy says "I'm fuckin nuts and I ain't goin nowhere"
 
Emmo said:
Women's Lib International Conference

The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing. But on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing.
But on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well."

The crowd again cheered.

The third speaker, a Southern lady, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told that lazy husband of mine, Billy Bob, that I was through picking up his beer cans and washing his underwear and that he was going to have to do them himself."

The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes.

She continued, "After the first day, I never see nuthin'. After the second day I never see nuthin'. But after the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye!"






A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday.

His wife told him, "Tomorrow there'd better be something in the driveway
for me, that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package on the driveway.

When she opened the package, she found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
Click to expand...

What do you say to a women with two black eyes?


Nothing.....she didn't listen the first two times!
 
Husband and wife are watching television
He turns to her and says 'Tell me somrthing that will make me happy and sad'
She turns to him and thinks for a moment and replies 'your johnson is bigger then any of your friends'
 
A woman goes to see the govenor about getting her husband out of the penetentiary.
The govenor ask the woman why her husband was in jail.
She responded ' for stealing ham'
The govenor replied 'That's not a very serious offense'
'Is he good to you and your children ?' the govenor asked her.
No your honor, to tell the truth he's very mean to us' she said.
'Then he must work very hard to support you and your children' the govenor asked.
'Not really, as a matter of fact he is very lazy' she said.
'Then why do you want him out early? asked the govenor.
'Because we ran out of ham' she replied.
 
Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks".

To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"

They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."
 
The crusty Sargent Major found himself at a gala event thrown by a ladies liberal arts college.
A young lady comes to him and asks if he is having a good time.
'Yes ma'am' he replies.
She says 'you sure are a serious man'
'That's comes with my nature' says the Sargent Major.
'Well you should loosen up and enjoy life' the young lady says.
He just says 'Yes ma'am'
'She trys again and tells him 'You most certainly have a lot of decorations and medals'
'Yes i do' he replies.
Frustated she asks him 'When did you last have sex?'
The Sargent Major says '1955'
'No wonder' she says and takes him by the hand to a private room.
After several times at trying to relaxing him, she says ' You might never have had sex since 1955, but you didn't forget a thing'
The Sargent Major replies 'It's only 2155 right now'
 
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Hamilton because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was really lucky.






































gallery_3866_104_22299.jpg
 
Heaven was getting a bit crowded, so Peter began giving quizzes to see who should get in. A man ascended to heaven, and came to the gates.

"Who was the first man?" asked Peter.

"Adam."

"That's correct. Enter." Soon another man came along.

"Where did Adam and Eve live?"

"Eden."

That's correct. Enter." Then Mother Theresa came along.

"Ooh, I'll have to give you a hard one. What did Eve say when she met Adam for the first time?"

"Mmm, that IS a hard one."

"Enter."
 
My doctor referred me to a urologist.
To my pleasant surprise she was a woman who was beautiful and sexy.
She told me that i had to stop masturbating.
Iasked her 'why'
She replied 'because i have to examine you'
 
Old Charley always entered the drawing for a new truck at the county fair, but this year he decided not to. He told his friend David and David replied, 'What kind of attitude is that?'He told him to walk around the fair and look for a sign from above.
Old Charlie agreed to give it one more shot, so he walked around the fair and looked up and down for a sign, as he walked past Mrs. Murphy's booth he saw her bending down. A gust of wind blew her dress up and she wasn't wearing any panties. A finger of fire appeared and wrote a 7 on both cheeks.
Charley got excited and played 77 and lost, the winning number turn out to be 707.
 
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!" "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"
 
THIS JUST IN!
All of the Walmarts in Alabama sold out of ammunitionas of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that 'while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doing it to Alabama'
 
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
He never heard the shot....
 
Why'd the man take Viagra eyedrops?

Because he wanted to look hard!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top