• Hi Guest - Come check out all of the new CP Merch Shop! Now you can support CigarPass buy purchasing hats, apparel, and more...
    Click here to visit! here...

Morning Chuckle

The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Brooklyn Tony.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
 
The police cadet tells his partner about the night before "it was wild, i went to a party and noticed this chick was checkng me out so i started talking to her. We had a few brews when she says she needs a ride home, no sooner do we get in the car that she unzips me and start with my joint."
"What did you do ? asks his partner.
"I figured this was one situation where i'd shoot first and ask questions later." he answered.
 
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I eagerly accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1-- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 --Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 --(Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 --Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 --Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb lady is starting to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet! Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.
My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it! I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
 
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied,"No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
 
Guy goes to a remote beach to get a full tan but after a while he falls asleep, when he wakes up he realizes that the upper legs have been burned severely and a call for an ambulance is made. At the hospital his doctor prescribes saline drip, electrolites, and viagra, the nurse questions the prescription for viagra, but the doctor says " we have to keep the sheets off of his legs."
 
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit. Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."! Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigar?" Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigar. Man: "Oh thank you so much!" Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?" Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink. Man:"Oh..thank you so much. You are like a miracle"! Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??" The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too??"
 
A man goes to a hospital for a circumcision. When he wakes up he's astounded to see a group of doctors surrounding his bed. His doctor says "son, i'm afraid there was an unfortunate accident and we had to perform a sex change operation, you now have a vagina instead of a penis." "What, the man exclaims, you mean to tell me i'll never experience an erection?" "Well, the doctor says, you might, but it won't be yours."
 
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.

The redhead sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
 
Bride and groom are getting ready to consummate their marriage when the bride says "i have a confession to make, i'm not a virgin." The groom says "that's no problem at this time and age"
The bride replies " only with one man."
"Who is the man?" asks the groom.
" Tiger Woods" says the bride.
"Well Tiger is a great golfer and rich man, i can understand that" replies the groom.
Immediately they fall into bed and make mad passionate love.
When they, finish the groom gets up and the bride asks "where are you going?"
"To order some room service" says the groom.
"Tiger would make love again" says the bride.
The groom gets back in bed and makes love to his new wife the second time. He gets up and the bride asks "Where are you going?"
"To order some room service." he answers.
"Tiger would make love again" she says.
The groom gets back to bed reluctantly and makes loves to her and is really beat afterwards. He gets up slowly and she asks him "where are you going?"
"To call Tiger and ask him what par is on this hole."
 
Husband and wife were playing in the mixed foursomes. He hit a great drive down the middle - she sliced the second shot into a copse of trees. Unfazed he played a brilliant recovery shot which went onto the green a yard from the pin. She poked at the putt and sent it five yards beyond the pin. He lined up the long putt and sank it. To his wife he said, "We'll have to do better. That was a bogey five." "Don't blame me," she snapped, "I only took two of them."
 
Woman dies and after the funeral the pall bearers start to carry the casket out the door but hit the wall and a soft moan is heard. The casket is opened and the woman is found alive. She live another ten years before she passes away. After the second funeral, the pall bearers start to carry out the casket out the door and the husband shouts out "Watch out for the wall!"
 
A kindergartener explained to his teacher that he saw a dead cat on his way to school, and it made him sad.

The teacher asked, "How do you know it wasn't just sleeping?"

"I pissed in his ear," replied the child.

"You did what??' exlaimed the teacher.

"You know. I got down next to his ear and said 'Pssssst!' and he didn't wake up."
 
Little Johnny goes to visit his grandfather at the farm, he gets to roam all over, after a while he runs into the farmhouse and explains 'grandpa the bull is f#cking the cows!"
Grandpa replies "JOHNNY! Don't speak like that, you should say something like the bull is surprising the cows or something like that."
Johnny agrees reluctantly and goes outside to explore some more.
A while later he runs back into the farmhouse and exclaims " grandpa the bull surprised the cows!
Grandpa says that's better Johnny, i like the way you said that.
Johnny replies "Yeah! The bull is f#cking the horses."
 
Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies Tony.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f**king difference ?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"
 
Jill and Nadine met for lunch.
Jill says "you'll never guess what happened to me yesterday."
"What, tell me" says Nadine.
"Well i was gardening in my backyard and i hit a old lamp while turning over the soil, i rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared and said i could have one of two wishes. He said i could have a 100% better memory or my boy friend could have a larger penis."
"Well what did you choose" asks Nadine.
"I can't remember" says Jill.
 
During a bank robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.

He looked at a man and asked, "Did you see my face?"

The man said, "Yes!"

The robber shot him.

Then he asked a woman, "Did you see my face?"

She said, "No, but my husband over there did."
 
A little old man walks into an ice cream parlor and huffing and puffing he pulls himself up onto the stool slowly and orders a banana split.
the waitress asks him "crushed nuts?"
"No arthritis."
 
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor thy father and thy mother' she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shalt not kill."
 
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. 'Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?'

The boy replied, 'Yes...potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars.............. but realistically,...... we're living with two sluts and a queer'
 
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top