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Morning Chuckle

Stupid Quotes:


On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It's not as easy as it looks, being on all the time. I mean, what happens if I'm in a bad mood?”
-- Vanna White, “Wheel of Fortune” co-star

On Standards, the Mega-Rich and: “I'd rather not talk about money. It's kind of gross.”
-- Barbra Streisand, dodging a question about what she was paid to direct and star in The Mirror Has Two Faces

On Disco Music, Importance of: “God had to create disco music so that I could be born and be successful.”
-- Donna Summer, disco singer

On Giving It Your All: “I think we played hard, but it was a lackadaisical hard.”
-- New Jersey Nets guard Otis Birdsong on why his team had lost an NBA contest

On Hostage-Taking, Fun For All: “[Being taken hostage is] an adventure for the tourist, because the tourist will end up learning about the customs of the tribes as well as their good hospitality.”
-- Abdullah Ahmar, speaker of Yemeni parliament, on the practice of taking foreign visitors hostage

On Acting, Jean-Claude Van Damme's Interesting Insights On: “In an action film you act in the action. If it's a dramatic film you act in the drama.”
-- Jean-Claude Van Damme, interviewed on “Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous”

On Segues, Unfortunate: “Speaking of animals, he married his wife, Suzanne, when he was in college.”
-- Mike Leavitt, governor of Utah, introducing Senator Larry Craig

On Book Reviews, Cogent: “It's a very good historical book about history.”
-- former vice president Dan Quayle, about Paul Johnson's Modern Times

On Civics Lessons, Vice Presidential: “There are lots more people in the House. I don't know how many exactly-I never counted but at least a couple hundred.”
-- former vice president Dan Quayle, attempting to explain the difference between the House and the Senate

On Earth, Where Found:“ [It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.”
-- former vice president Dan Quayle, on the concept of a manned mission to Mars.
 
An old Italian mafia 'Don' is dying and calls his grandson into his bedroom.
"Liss'in up, i wanna for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver, so you remember me.
"But grandpa, i really don't like guns. Howz about you leave me your Rolex watch?"
'shuddup an lissen, Sommaday you gonna runna da business... you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotta money, a big house and maybe a couple of bambinos!
Someday you gonna comma home and maybe you find you wifa inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then... pointa to you watch and say 'times up?"
 
Will Rogers on growing old.
1) Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
2) The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
3) Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not ne, i want people to know 'why' i look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
4) When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
5) You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
6) I don't know how i got over the hill without getting to the top.
7) One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
9) Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
10) Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And finally - If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you get old.
 
Renting vs. Buying

The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:

After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship (which would NOT have happened) it ended up costing him $26,849 per encounter.

This is Heather.....

Heather.jpg



On the other hand, ex-NY State Governor Elliot Spitzer's call girl, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything!

This is Kristen.....

Kristen.jpg


Accountant Summary:

Had Paul McCartney 'employed' Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid her $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years.....A SAVINGS OF $41.7 MILLION DOLLARS.

Now factor in the value-added benefits:
1) 22 year old smokin' hot babe
2) No begging, no coaxing, and never a headache
3) Plays all requests
4) Ability to wrap BOTH legs around you
5) Never any bitching or complaining
6) Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when you ask her

All this at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.

Sometimes renting makes far more sense.
 
There was a lady at a bar. Every time she wanted a drink she would raise her hand. She had very bad armpit hair. The Bartender was getting really grossed out and told the drunk sitting at the bar that next time she did that he was not going to give her a drink.

One minute later she said, ''Bartender, Bartender, get me another drink.''

The bartender said no. The drunk sitting there said, ''Oh give the poor ballerina another drink.''

The bartender said, ''How do you know she is a ballerina?''

The man replied, ''Well anyone that can lift her leg that high must be a ballerina!''
 
Kevin he Slow said " I'm breaking up with Sherry" to his friend Jim.
"Are you nuts? Sherry is a beautiful and intelligent woman" said Jim.
Kevin responded..."Last night Sherry broke down and told me she was bisexual, and who thr hell wants to screw just two times a year?"
 
There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been real good friends for a long time. Well one day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend.

When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and stuff they had going into the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, ''How ya doing?''

The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand.

''You want that?'' the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died. At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service.

''He was a good man and I'll never forget him,'' the preacher said, ''I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.'' The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. ''Please, get up! You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!''
 
Guys going home late at night from the pub.
He walks past an alley and a woman's voice say's "fifty bucks! '
He thinks about it and thinks, what the hell, i've never been with a hooker before.
He agrees and they go to the back of the alley and start going at it.
After a few minutes a cop shines a light on his face and ask's "what do you think you're doing?"
He replies"i'm making love to my wife."
The cop says "sorry ! I didn't know."
He says" neither did i until you shined that light on us."
 
A man walks into a bar. The bartender says to the guy, "What can I get you?"

"Make it a whisky," says the man who promptly throws it down in one gulp.

"That will be three dollars," says the bartender.

"Screw you!" says the man. "You offered to get me something. I thought you were paying."

"Get out," says the bartender. "You're banned. I don't need your crap."

Two years later, the same man walks into same bar with the same bartender.

The bartender looks at him and says, "You're the a**hole who tried to con a drink out of me, aren't you?"

"Excuse me, but I have no idea what you are talking about," says the customer. "I've never been to this bar before in my life!"

"Sorry. My mistake," says the bartender. "You must have a double."

"Hey thanks, dude!" says the customer. "Make it whisky."
 
:laugh:

Brought to mind:

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

"Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. What's up?" says the bartender.

"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"

"Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house." So the bartender gives him another triple scotch and again he gulps it down. "If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"

"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"

"Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?"

"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ...BAD DOG!"
 
A man walks into the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Man says 'Who?"
Cabbie says 'Frank Feldman. He a guy who could do everything right all the time.' Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger says 'Theres always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam in tennis. He could play golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritome a nd danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'
Cabbie: 'There's more.....He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everyone's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole block loses power. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.'
Passenger: 'Wow, some kind of guy.'
Cabbie: He always knew the quickest way to go through traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, i always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong, and his clothes were always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: Well, i never met Frank, he died. I married his @#$%^&*&ing widow.'
 
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh..... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children.'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So..... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'
 
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had
left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'
And then the fight started.....








I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the
other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed
and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a
DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which
one are you?'

And then the fight started.....
 
Everyone of the small town parishoners disliked Margaret because she always stuck her nose into everyone's business. But no one ever dared say anything because of of her reputation. One day she approached old Henry and told him to his face that he was an alcoholic because he had parked his truck in front of the town bar. Henry said nothing but gave her a strong look and walked away. Later on that night Henry parked his truck in Margaret's driveway and walked home, leaving it there all night.
 
Once when pro golfer Julius Boros's regulare caddie failed to show up, Boros casually asked a young boy if he'd like to lug the clubs for him. The the agreed to. After his second shot on the first hole, Boros instructed the lad to pick up the divot. As the round progressed, Boros noticed the boy behaving oddly and asked if everything was all right.

"Yes, sir", he replied, "but what do you want to do with this bagful of divots?"
 
Two prostitutes were walking down the street. One sniffed the air and said to the other, "We're going to make money tonight. I can smell sex in the air!".

The other one looked at her and said, "Sorry, I just burped."
 
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrist's office. 'What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked
Well, I, uh, she stammered. I think I, uh , might be a nymphomaniac.'
'I see, he said. 'I can help you, but i must advise you that my fee is $800 an hour.'
'That's not bad,' she replied. 'How much fo all night?'
 
Two drunk guys stumble out of a bar and get into their car. After they've been driving for a while, they see a ghostly face appear at the window.

"It's a ghost, dude!"

"Roll down the window, ask him what he wants!" The driver rolls down the window, and asks the ghost what he wants.

"You got a smoke?", said the face.

They give him a smoke, and the face goes away.

A few minutes later, the face returns. "You got a light?"

They give a light, and the face goes away.

A few minutes later, the face returnsand say, "You guys need help getting out the mud?"
 
Sheriff Joe 's at it again��

.



Forget�Hillary, Obama, & McCain!� This guy should run.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You all remember Sheriff Joe Arpaio of� Arizona �, who painted the jail cells pink and made the inmates wear pink prison garb. Well.........

SHERIFF JOE IS AT IT AGAIN!

Oh, there's MUCH more to know about Sheriff Joe!


Maricopa� County�was spending approx. $18 million dollars a year on stray animals, like cats and dogs. Sheriff Joe offered to take the department over, and the� County � Supervisors �said okay.The animal shelters are now all staffed and operated by prisoners. They feed and care for the strays. Every animal in his care is taken out and walked twice daily. He now has prisoners who are experts in animal nutrition and behavior. They give great classes for anyone who'd like to adopt an animal. He has literally taken stray dogs off the street, given them to the care of prisoners, and had them place in dog shows.
The best part? His budget for the entire department is now under $3 million. Teresa and I adopted a Weimaraner from a�MaricopaCounty�shelter two years ago. He was neutered, and current on all shots, in great health, and even had a microchip inserted the day we got him. Cost us $78.�
The prisoners get the benefit of about $0.28 an hour for working, but most would work for free, just to be out of their cells for the day. Most of his budget is for utilities, building maintenance, etc.. He pays the prisoners out of the fees collected for adopted animals.�

I have long wondered when the rest of the country would take a look at the way he runs the jail system, and copy some of his ideas. He has a huge farm, donated to the county years ago, where inmates can work, and they grow most of their own fresh vegetables and food, doing all the work and harvesting by hand. He has a pretty good sized hog farm, which provides meat, and fertilizer. It fertilizes the Christmas tree nursery, where prisoners work, and you can buy a living Christmas tree for $6 - $8 for the Holidays, and plant it later. We have six trees in our yard from the Prison.�

Yup, he was reelected last year with 83% of the vote.�
Now he's in trouble with the ACLU again. He painted all his buses and vehicles with a mural, that has a special hotline phone number painted on it, where you can call and report suspected illegal aliens. Immigrations and Customs Enforcement wasn't doing enough in his eyes, so he had 40 deputies trained specifically for enforcing immigration laws, started up his hotline, and bought 4 new buses just for hauling folks back to the border. He's kind of a 'Git-R Dun' kind of Sheriff.
TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO�

HE IS THE MARICOPA� ARIZONA � COUNTY � SHERIFF�

AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER�
THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY:
Sheriff Joe Arpaio (In Arizona ) who created the ' Tent City Jail':�
He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.�

He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights Cut off all but 'G' movies.�

He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects.�

Then He Started Chain Gangs For Women So He Wouldn't Get�
Sued For Discrimination.�

He took away cable TV Until he found out there was A Federal Court Order that Required Cable TV For Jails So He Hooked Up The Cable TV Again Only Let In The Disney Channel And The Weather Channel.�

When asked why the weather channel He Replied, So They Will Know How Hot It's Gonna Be While They Are Working�
ON My Chain Gangs.�

He Cut Off Coffee Since It Has Zero Nutritional Value.�

When the inmates complained, he told them, 'This Isn't The Ritz/Carlton.....If You Don't Like It, Don't Come Back.'�

He bought Newt Gingrich's lecture series on videotape that he pipes into the jails.�

When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.�

More On The Arizona Sheriff:�

With Temperatures Being Even Hotter Than Usual In Phoenix (116 Degrees Just Set A New Record), the Associated Press Reports:�
About 2,000 Inmates Living In A Barbed-Wire-Surrounded Tent Encampment At The Maricopa County Jail Have Been Given Permission To Strip Down To Their Government-Issued�
Pink Boxer Shorts.On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached�138 Degrees Inside The Week Before.�

Many Were Also Swathed In Wet, Pink Towels As Sweat Collected On Their Chests And Dripped Down To Their PINK SOCKS.�

'It Feels Like We Are In A Furnace,' Said James Zanzot, An Inmate Who Has Lived In The TENTS for 1 year. 'It's Inhumane.'�

Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: 'It's 120 Degrees In� Iraq �And Our Soldiers Are Living In Tents Too, And They Have To Wear Full Battle Gear,�
But They Didn't Commit Any Crimes,So Shut Your Mouths!'

�Way To Go, Sheriff!Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.

If you agree, pass this on. If not, just delete it.
 
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