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Morning Chuckle

Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper.

Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female.

The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.

The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips.

The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman."

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act,... Think you can do better than that?"

The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!
 
Man goes to see his doctor and tells him that he doesn't feel good.
After an exhaustive battery of tests the doctor calls him into his office. "I have some bad news,you have 10 more to live."
"Ten more what doc, years, months, days?"
The doctor replies "9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
 
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
 
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when on it's own accord,
from my trousers it would spring,
But now i have a full time job,
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang it's little head,
And watch me tie my shoes.
 
Brunette a redhead and a blonde die and are met at the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that they must climb a stairway that is 1000 stairs long, along the way God will tell them jokes and if they laugh they will go to hell.
The brunette gets to 20 steps and starts to laugh and go immediately to hell.
The redhead gets to 200 steps when she burstd into a loud laughter and is immediately sent to eternal damnation.
The blonde starts and gets to 999 steps when she starts laughing.
God asks her "why did you start laughing now, what happened?"
The blonde relies "i just got the first joke."
 
An elderly man from North Carolina own a nice sized farm with a pool that he had installed, it had a horse shoe pit and some fruit trees to make it a place to enjoy whenever he had a bit of time. One day he realized that he hadn't been by the pool in a while so he picked up a bucket to pick some fruit. As he got closer to the pool he could hear people laughing and splashing about. When he got to the pool he sees four young ladies swimming in the buff, so he makes a noise to alert them to his presence. The girls all swim to the oppisite side and shout" we wouldn't come out until you leave." The old farmer replies "i'm not here to watch you swimming in the nude, i'm here to feed the alligator' as he holds up the bucket.
 
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and She proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us, "said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?"
 
Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

Doc. ;)
 
The teacher asked little Andy if he knew his numbers.
"Yes teacher." said Andy
"What comes after four?" asked the teacher.
"Five comes after four" Andy replied.
"What comes after seven?" the teacher asked.
"Eight comes after seven" replied Andy.
"You do know your numbers Andy" said the teacher.
"What comes after ten?"
"Jack comes after ten" he replied.
 
A female reporter is interviewing the chief of an indian tribe about the significance of the feather on the headress.
The chief points out one brave and says "he made love to one woman, has one feather, that brave made love love to three women, wears three feathers."
"But you have so many feathers ob your headress" says the reporter.
"Yes, says the chief, make love to young and old, short and tall."
The reporter is ahgast and exclaims "you should be hung!"
The chief replies "hung like buffalo, long like snake."
She says "You don't have to be so hostile."
He replies "hoss-style, wolf-style, any-style."
"Oh dear!" cries out the reporter.
"No dear, ass to high, runs too fast!" says the chief.
 
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.

When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:'

'Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?'' The bus driver shakes his head and says,'

'No, I'm sorry.'

' At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: '

'Will it take ME ?'
 
A young ventriloquist touring the clubs is doing a show in a small town in
Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb
blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and
shouts: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes
you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of
a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's
guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and
in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against, not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name
of humor" Quite taken aback, the embarrassed ventriloquist
begins to apologize but the blonde yells, "You stay out of
this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"



A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the United States Forest
Service(USFS) were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for
controlling the coyote population. It seemed that, after years of
the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or
trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the
males castrated, then let loose again ... and the population would be
controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep
Grower's association by Sierra Club and USFS.
Well, all the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, kicked his hat back and said, "Son,I don't think you understand the problem. These coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep- they're eatin' them!
_________________
 
Doctor " I have bad news, you have Cancer and Alzheimers."
Patient" At least i don't have Cancer."
 
INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but N/A.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

-----------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'I Thought You Loved Me.exe' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Passive Aggressive Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly beta interface with circular reference loop capability.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good luck,

Tech Support
 
Two bulls are standing in a field.
First bull says " Wow it's cold tonight."
Second bull says "Yeah, think i'll slip into a Jersey."
 
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was
indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're uglier than shit!"
 
An elderly gentleman boards a plane when he hears that the archbishop is on the plane.
Being a reserved sort of person he never intruded into other people's lifes, but he did want to hold a conversation with him.
Imagine his surprise to find the archbishop sitting next to him.
He wanted to talk to him but just couldn't bring himself to do it.
The archbishop was sitting next to him doing the crossword puzzle and the man wished he would ask for help or start a conversation.
All of a sudden the archbishop turns to him and asks him "do you know the word for woman ending in unt?"
The man is shocked, is is incapable of talking, but he does some quick thinking and says" aunt.
T he archbishop thanks him and asks "would you by any chance have an eraser?"
 
sack said:
Two bulls are standing in a field.
First bull says " Wow it's cold tonight."
Second bull says "Yeah, think i'll slip into a Jersey."
Click to expand...

Reminds me of one of my all time fave's...

Old bull and young bull standing on the ridge overlooking a meadow full of cows.

Young bull says to the older bull "Lets run down there and f*ck one of them cows."

Old bull replies "I have a better idea. Let's walk down there and f*ck 'em all".

======================

There is something to be said for age and wisdom. :)

======================

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."

==========================================

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on
his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars
are in the driveway. His wonder is cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming
out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

'Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,'
the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some
weekend fun and it got a bit wild.'

'Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started
playing WHO AM I.'

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a
time with a sheet covering us and with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the
sheet.. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The UPS man laughs and says, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Bob responds. 'Your name came up
seven times...'
 
Eddie really wanted to get into the pants of the office cutie.
One day he threw caution to the wind and propositioned her "i'll give you $100 to make love to me."
She said no and walked away.
Eddie then proposed another deal "i'll throw the money on the floor, when you have picked up the money, i'll stop."
Later that night she told her boyfriend about Eddie's proposal.
The boyfriend thought about it and said "why don't you tell him that you'll do it for $200 and you'll pick up the money fast and he won't have time to do anything."
The next day she agreed to the terms of her boyfriend and went into a closet with Eddie, after about 45 minutes she comes out all sweated up.
"What took so long?" asked the boyfriend.
She relied "The dirty bastard had nothing but quarters."
 
A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor replies "I know...I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
 
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