I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?" He said,"Reformed Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. -- Emo Phillips
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Time for a JOKE
- Thread starter Rod
- Start date
CoventryCat86
Corresponding authority
- Joined
- Jun 18, 2003
- Messages
- 12,606
A Lawyer who was duck hunting shot and dropped a bird, but it fell
into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As
the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was
doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it
fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you
are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial
attorneys in Canada and, if you don't let me get that
duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't
know how we settle disputes in Saskatchewan. We settle
small disagreements like this with the Saskatchewan
Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Saskatchewan Three Kick
Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs
on my land, first I kick you three times and then you
kick me three times and so on back and forth until
someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed
contest and decided that he could easily take the old
codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor
and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted
the toe of his heavy stilted work boot into the
lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His
second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal
gushing from his mouth.
The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third
kick to his rear end sent him face first into a fresh
cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed
to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of
his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my
turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You
can have the duck.
into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As
the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was
doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it
fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you
are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial
attorneys in Canada and, if you don't let me get that
duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't
know how we settle disputes in Saskatchewan. We settle
small disagreements like this with the Saskatchewan
Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Saskatchewan Three Kick
Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs
on my land, first I kick you three times and then you
kick me three times and so on back and forth until
someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed
contest and decided that he could easily take the old
codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor
and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted
the toe of his heavy stilted work boot into the
lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His
second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal
gushing from his mouth.
The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third
kick to his rear end sent him face first into a fresh
cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed
to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of
his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my
turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You
can have the duck.
CoventryCat86
Corresponding authority
- Joined
- Jun 18, 2003
- Messages
- 12,606
You guys are gonna be real sorry I ever found this thread cause you know all those jokes people email you over the years, I SAVE THEM ALL and I tell ya, I got some real good ones. Here's another:
Subject: You know you're trailer trash when
You know you're trailer trash when:
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family has ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this"
8. You think Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
21. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side....
22. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart...
23. If your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V...
25. You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...
26. You think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart...
27. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home...
28. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement...
29. You've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher
30. You've ever asked the preacher "How's it hangin?"
31. You missed 8th grade graduation because you had jury duty...
32. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph...
33. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is...
34. You've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate...
Subject: You know you're trailer trash when
You know you're trailer trash when:
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family has ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this"
8. You think Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
21. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side....
22. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart...
23. If your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V...
25. You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...
26. You think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart...
27. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home...
28. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement...
29. You've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher
30. You've ever asked the preacher "How's it hangin?"
31. You missed 8th grade graduation because you had jury duty...
32. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph...
33. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is...
34. You've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate...
CoventryCat86
Corresponding authority
- Joined
- Jun 18, 2003
- Messages
- 12,606
Okay, last one for today, I gotta give it a rest:
One day a little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the bus driver. He starts saying things like: "If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I would be a little rooster." The bus driver said "Shut up!" Still the boy went on, "If my mom was a female elephant and my dad was a male elephant, I would be a little male elephant." The bus driver said "Shut up!" Still the boy went on "If my mom was a female dog and my dad was a male dog, I would be a little male dog." The bus driver got so mad, and asked, "If your mom was a prostitute, and your dad was a faggot, what would you be? The boy
answered: "A bus driver."
Check back oftern for more!!!!!
One day a little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the bus driver. He starts saying things like: "If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I would be a little rooster." The bus driver said "Shut up!" Still the boy went on, "If my mom was a female elephant and my dad was a male elephant, I would be a little male elephant." The bus driver said "Shut up!" Still the boy went on "If my mom was a female dog and my dad was a male dog, I would be a little male dog." The bus driver got so mad, and asked, "If your mom was a prostitute, and your dad was a faggot, what would you be? The boy
answered: "A bus driver."
Check back oftern for more!!!!!
CoventryCat86
Corresponding authority
- Joined
- Jun 18, 2003
- Messages
- 12,606
Good one Lucky, I'll be sure to add that to the original!!
CoventryCat86
Corresponding authority
- Joined
- Jun 18, 2003
- Messages
- 12,606
BTW Lucky, I took your "quote" about the cowboys and sent that out to my "joke" distribution list, they loved it.
CoventryCat86
Corresponding authority
- Joined
- Jun 18, 2003
- Messages
- 12,606
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to
leave; they're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has
assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take
off immediately after that. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the
aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is
using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with
a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin
glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a
little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and
faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're
headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As
it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will
plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the
plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they
have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that
the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the
pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too
late, and we're all gonna die.”
leave; they're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has
assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take
off immediately after that. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the
aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is
using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with
a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin
glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a
little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and
faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're
headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As
it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will
plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the
plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they
have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that
the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the
pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too
late, and we're all gonna die.”
CoventryCat86
Corresponding authority
- Joined
- Jun 18, 2003
- Messages
- 12,606
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of
a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the
Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish"
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime
I want."
The Lord said,"Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics
of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord,
I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel
inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, w
why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy"
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the
Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish"
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime
I want."
The Lord said,"Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics
of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord,
I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel
inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, w
why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy"
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
CoventryCat86
Corresponding authority
- Joined
- Jun 18, 2003
- Messages
- 12,606
Okay last one for a while:
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the
trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to
throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing
that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The
farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The
trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what
they are, I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says, "Well, circle
flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're
almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he
stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses
ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing
the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, ...... "Hard to fool them flies
though."
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the
trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to
throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing
that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The
farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The
trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what
they are, I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says, "Well, circle
flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're
almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he
stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses
ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing
the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, ...... "Hard to fool them flies
though."
CoventryCat86
Corresponding authority
- Joined
- Jun 18, 2003
- Messages
- 12,606
Three guys die together and go to heaven....
St. Peter says "We only have one rule... don't
step on the ducks"
They enter heaven and see ducks all over, almost
impossible not to step on a duck.
The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon
here comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever
saw... St. Peter chains them together and says "Your
punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever"
The next day the second guy steps on a duck... Sure
enough, St. Peter comes with an ugly woman and chains
them together...
The third guy is very careful he goes months and
doesn't step on any ducks. One day St. Peter comes with
this gorgeous woman... Blonde, Blue eyed...very sexy.
He chains them together and leaves without a word....
He remarks, "I wonder what I did to get this"?
She says "I don't know about you, but I stepped
on a duck"
St. Peter says "We only have one rule... don't
step on the ducks"
They enter heaven and see ducks all over, almost
impossible not to step on a duck.
The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon
here comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever
saw... St. Peter chains them together and says "Your
punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever"
The next day the second guy steps on a duck... Sure
enough, St. Peter comes with an ugly woman and chains
them together...
The third guy is very careful he goes months and
doesn't step on any ducks. One day St. Peter comes with
this gorgeous woman... Blonde, Blue eyed...very sexy.
He chains them together and leaves without a word....
He remarks, "I wonder what I did to get this"?
She says "I don't know about you, but I stepped
on a duck"
gr8full2day
FNG in Training
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2003
- Messages
- 802
What did the Mexican Fire Cheif name his two sons?
UUUUUU ALMOST THERE
Hose A and Hose B
UUUUUU ALMOST THERE
Hose A and Hose B
CoventryCat86
Corresponding authority
- Joined
- Jun 18, 2003
- Messages
- 12,606
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from
Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a
fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you
pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer,
you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end
to this torment, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a
$5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his
modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no
answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers
but to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and
asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer
$5, and goes back to sleep.
Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a
fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you
pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer,
you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end
to this torment, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a
$5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his
modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no
answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers
but to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and
asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer
$5, and goes back to sleep.
CoventryCat86
Corresponding authority
- Joined
- Jun 18, 2003
- Messages
- 12,606
Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working
out at the gym.
His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"
Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
"Hi Davey," she says, "want your usual table dance?"
Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her.
Right away she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
out at the gym.
His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"
Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
"Hi Davey," she says, "want your usual table dance?"
Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her.
Right away she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."