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Time for a JOKE
- Thread starter Rod
- Start date
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five bucks you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of
hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray and
runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out
and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,
"Grandpa, you already gave me five bucks." The grandfather replies, "I
know. That's from your grandma."
boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five bucks you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of
hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray and
runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out
and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,
"Grandpa, you already gave me five bucks." The grandfather replies, "I
know. That's from your grandma."
FatherTiresius
Watcher of the Skies
- Joined
- May 4, 2002
- Messages
- 1,364
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
Click here to see a picture of what she pointed to...
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
Click here to see a picture of what she pointed to...
gr8full2day
FNG in Training
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2003
- Messages
- 802
What do girl's from Alabama say after sex?
Get up daddy your crushing my Marlboro's!!
Get up daddy your crushing my Marlboro's!!
Why do men perfer woman from the South?
Cause it takes them so long to say (use approiate southern drawl here for effect) ssssssssssstttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttoooooooooooooooooooooppppppppppp
How many Alabama fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
12.... 1 to do actually do it, and 11 more to stand around and say how much better "Bear" Bryant could of done it.
Cause it takes them so long to say (use approiate southern drawl here for effect) ssssssssssstttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttoooooooooooooooooooooppppppppppp
How many Alabama fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
12.... 1 to do actually do it, and 11 more to stand around and say how much better "Bear" Bryant could of done it.
gr8full2day
FNG in Training
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2003
- Messages
- 802
No, NO, NO Sambo it's...How many Alabamans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: 101....1 to hold the bulb and 100 to spin the trailer around!!!
Answer: 101....1 to hold the bulb and 100 to spin the trailer around!!!
gr8full2day
FNG in Training
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2003
- Messages
- 802
Did you guys see President Bush on TV last night. He was talking about education and such. He declared war on ignorance. Alabama surrender about 3 hours ago!!
gr8full2day
FNG in Training
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2003
- Messages
- 802
Did you hear about the 2 Alabama students that dies last weekend. They were out partying with some friends and doing some muddin'. The 2 Alabama boys were riding in the back of the truck. The Auburn boys were driving when they got run off the world and into the river. The 2 boys from Auburn got away but the Alabama boys drowned before they could get the tailgate down!
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART I
1. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan-on-Juan.
2. What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
3. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
4. Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
5. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.
6. What do you see when the Pillsbury-Dough-Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
7. Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
8. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.
9. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
together?
100 people who don't do dick.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMINGUP!)
1. What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
2. What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
7. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
8. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
9. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
10. What makes men chase women they have no ! intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase c ars they have no intention of
driving.
11. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has
the
biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
12. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
13. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
14. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
15. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
16. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
17. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
18. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
19. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He! walks around saying "Yo."
20. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)
1. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
4. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.
5. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?
They're hiring.
6. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "A recipe! ".
7. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
8. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."
9. My, my, how times have changed.
Years ago...When 100 white men chased one black man, we called it the
Ku
Klux Klan; today they call it the PGA TOUR.
10. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
1. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan-on-Juan.
2. What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
3. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
4. Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
5. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.
6. What do you see when the Pillsbury-Dough-Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
7. Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
8. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.
9. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
together?
100 people who don't do dick.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMINGUP!)
1. What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
2. What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
7. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
8. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
9. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
10. What makes men chase women they have no ! intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase c ars they have no intention of
driving.
11. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has
the
biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
12. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
13. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
14. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
15. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
16. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
17. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
18. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
19. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He! walks around saying "Yo."
20. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)
1. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
4. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.
5. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?
They're hiring.
6. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "A recipe! ".
7. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
8. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."
9. My, my, how times have changed.
Years ago...When 100 white men chased one black man, we called it the
Ku
Klux Klan; today they call it the PGA TOUR.
10. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
ZitiForBreakfast
New Member
- Joined
- Jul 21, 2003
- Messages
- 7
How do your circumsize a boy from the South?
Kick his sister in the jaw..
Kick his sister in the jaw..
Horse
Member 200
- Joined
- Aug 1, 2001
- Messages
- 2,981
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee
each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .............
"HEBREWS"
each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .............
"HEBREWS"
two blondes go to the lake for a camping trip
realizing they need wood for a fire, they head in
seperate directions. being blondes, they both end
up hopelessly lost.
after several hours of searching, one blonde sees
her friend in a clearing across the lake. she calls
to her friend"why don't you just come over here,
i found a good spot to camp!" her friend calls back
"i already tried to get over there but i can't find my
way to the other side of the lake!" this puzzles her
friend and she contemplates for a minute and then
calls back" you're so stupid, you're already on the
other side of the lake!"
realizing they need wood for a fire, they head in
seperate directions. being blondes, they both end
up hopelessly lost.
after several hours of searching, one blonde sees
her friend in a clearing across the lake. she calls
to her friend"why don't you just come over here,
i found a good spot to camp!" her friend calls back
"i already tried to get over there but i can't find my
way to the other side of the lake!" this puzzles her
friend and she contemplates for a minute and then
calls back" you're so stupid, you're already on the
other side of the lake!"
lucasbuck
Sheriff Buck
- Joined
- Jun 17, 2003
- Messages
- 7,081
A blind guy walks into a bar. He orders a beer and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a good blonde joke. The bartender leans in close to the blind guy and whispers "I'm blonde, the bouncer is blonde, the professional hockey player at the next table is blonde, the 350 lb. biker in the corner is a blonde and the owner who's standing right next to me is a blonde. Are you sure you still want to tell that joke?" The blind man replies, "Not if I have to explain it five times!"