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Time for a JOKE

Grandfather's advice

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up,and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend the weekends with him. Oh, and the advice he used to give! Too bad much of it was wasted because I was relatively young when he died. If he were alive today and passing down his gems of wisdom you could bet I'd be a better man. Some pearls he'd given me I've never forgotten. I would accompany him on his daily walk, and he would point out various things worth noticing. "That tree there is a Japanese elm.They grow fast." or "During the great depression I fed every wayfarer that crossed our doorstep." Those things were well and good, but the thing I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grand fatherly advice came as we were weeding his garden. We were working around the hot peppers when he paused, looked me in the eye and said,
"Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your D**K look smaller."
 
Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house
together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the
stairs "was I getting in or out of the bath?".The 94 year old yells back 'I don't know. I'll come
up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells "was I going up the stairs or down?"The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having
tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and
says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She
knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."
 
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?
 
A: Your heart is good for only so many beats, and that's it.  Everything
wears out eventually.  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;
that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.  
Want to live longer ? Take a nap.
================
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
 
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?  Hay and
corn.  And what are these?  Vegetables.  So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain? Eat
chicken.  Beef is also a good source of field grass green leafy vegetable.  
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable slop.
================
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
 
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables.  As
we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
animal, mineral and vegetable.  We all know that beer and wine are not
animal, and they're not on the periodic table of elements, so that only
leaves one thing, right?  My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your
liquid vegetables.
================
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
 
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
================
Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench
press.   What did he mean? A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up
your shorts.  It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find
that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to
re-evaluate your exercise program (you pervert!).
================
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
 
A: Sorry . . . can't think of a single one.  My philosophy is: No Pain-No
Pain. (And remember: If you want to stay in shape, Round IS a shape.)
================
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not!  When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.  You should
be doing sit-ups only if you want a bigger stomach.
================
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had regarding food
and exercise.  Now go be good to yourself.  Be healthy & happy.  Have a
steak, drink some booze, then take a nap!
 
Reviving an oldie from the past! :thumbs:

Had me laughing out loud.........again! :sign:
 
Gentelman is outside on the back deck enjoying a cigar, hear digging coming from the next yard. Looking over the fence he spots the young girl that's lives there digging a large hole. He asked her what she is doing to which she replys, " Burying my goldfish" . "That's a very large hole for a small goldfish" he remarks. She says" That's because it's inside your f**king cat".
 
tooncigarGirl.jpg
 
A traveling salesman knocks on the door of a house. A kid, about 12 years old, answers the door. He's wearing a pink tutu, has a cigar in one hand, and a martini in the other.

The salesman is a little taken back, so he asks,
'Excuse me, son, are your parents home?'

The kid takes a big puff on the cigar and answers, 'What the f*** do you think?'
 
True Story:


My wife asks me "Why do you smoke those smelly cigars? You know I don't like them, don't you like me more?"

I said "Sure I like you more. But no matter how long I have this cigar I know the butt will stay the same size!"

:sign:
 
Another true story:


My wife came home from work one evening to find our three-year-old daughter lighting up a cigar. She raced into the kitchen where I was making something to eat.

"Hey!" she announced. "This is terrible! I just caught Heavyn lighting a cigar!"

"You put a stop to that right now," I shouted.

"That kid is altogether too young to be playing with matches!"


:sign:
 
1. Bottom
2. 50 (please tell me you got this one!)
3. Right
4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black, &gold
5. Q, Z
6. 1 0
7. Right
8. 20
9. Red
10. 88
11. Counter (north of the equator)
12. Towards bottom right
13. 12 (no #1)
14. Left
15. Top
16. Clockwise as you look at it
17. Roosevelt
18. 8
19. Left
20. 5
21. 6
22. Bashful
23. 8
24. Ace of spades
25. Left
26. ONE
27. * #
28. 3
29. Counter
 
A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter.

The Instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes & he could instruct her via radio.

So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet & everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde & the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was running smoothly.

At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees & crash landed in the woods.

The Instructor jumped into his jeep & rushed out to see if the
blonde was okay.

As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out. "What happened?" the Instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"

"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan."
 
A gentlement strolls into his Catholic churh to give confessional. He waits his turn and finally takes his place in the box. He goes through he speal of "forgive me father for I have sinned, it has been 30 days since my last confession......". He speaks embezzling money from work and wishes to repent and change his ways. The father tells him to do 30 Hail Mary's and 25 Our Father's. There's a knock and the alter-boy calls father away for emergency. The Father asks the parishoner to hear confession for an hour or so. The guy reluctantly agrees, but doesn't know what to tell people. The Father shows him a list of sins and corresponding penance. Just add them together for all the sins.
The next man enters confessional and tells of sexual infidelity with secretary at work. He receives his penance and goes on. The next gentlemen tells of receiving a daily blow-job from neighbors wife. The "acting Father" couldn't find blow-job on the list of sins. He summoned the alter-boy to inquire as what to do. He asks the alter-boy "So what does the Father usually give for a blow job?"


A Milky Way and a pat on the head!!
 
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.

"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog."
 
MALE- FEMALE ATM RULES

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances,

MALE or FEMALE, and remember them when you use the machine for the first time."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window
with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.

5. Turn the radio down.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way up.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check make up in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check make-up again.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver queuing behind.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

26. Release Parking Brake.
 
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