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Time for a JOKE

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

LMAO!! This is some funny chit on this page!! :laugh:

OOOOPS, I meant page 12.
 
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for
some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope
mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat,
and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling
frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a
10 foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing
up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest... The other
two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the
bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the
bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the
other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give
you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there
was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic
Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is
not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was
that guy?" "It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact
with heaven and has access to all wisdom." "Well," the logger said, "he
may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about
bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go
back to Massachusetts and snatch another one

Doc.
 
hectortmc said:
How do you circumsize a whale?
You use foreskin divers. :laugh:
Click to expand...



I thought it was "...use Four Skin Divers", ahhh never mind I think I have heard of the "Foreskin divers", an elite Navy Unit, if I recall correctly.
muttley.gif
 

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel departmentand states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
muttley.gif
 
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two
possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

The student received the only "A" given.
_________________
 
A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Golfing with his buddies."
 
A man is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years. One
day a
gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba suit arrives at
the
island.
She comes up to the chap and she says, "How long has it been since
you had a

cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he answers. She reaches over, unzips the waterproof
pocket on
her
left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one,
lights
it,
takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you had a whisky?"

He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof
pocket on
the
right, pulls out a bottle of malt whisky and gives it to him. He
takes a
long
swallow and says, "Wow, that is fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front
of her
wet
suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had
some real
fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in
there!"
>
 
Van Gogh's Family Tree

His dizzy aunt -- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes -- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store -- Stop N. Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia -- U Gogh

The cousin from Illinois -- Chica Gogh

His magician uncle -- Where Diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin -- A. Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -- Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach -- Wells Far Gogh

The constipated uncle -- Cant Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt -- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -- Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst -- E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin -- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking -- Way To Gogh

The little bouncy nephew -- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van -- Winnie Bay Gogh

....And there ya Gogh!
 
Overheard at the regular Thurs. Sensitivity Training session:

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

45 pounds

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

45 minutes.
 
Three old men were sitting on a bench.
The first one said, "I've lived only on sea kelp and distilled water, and I'm 92."
The second said, "I've lived only on wheat germ and soy milk, and I'm 94!"
The third one said, "When I was young, my dad told me to only drink single malt scotch, nail as many women as I could, and smoke at least three maduros a day. And here I am."
"How old are you?" they asked.








"28"
 
Ok I read the post, probably a wayyyyyyyyyyy back post from Cohibasurfer (since I didnt realize the post was a freakin old one to begin with)...the one with the "pregnant" hamster made me spew my drink almost...nice...now im gonna read a few more...the 45 minute joke though? nice...

Melly
 
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes Sir" the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."!!!
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered "Yes, he sure did"!!!
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell
Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
 
WHY IT'S IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH

When I got back from Montana last week I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla fo yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?" The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"
 
A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl
on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety
violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on
the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there,
Sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the
dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."



;)
 
WOW!
That's bad!!! I could see a couple pages back... But 2 posts up!!! :blush:

My fault!!!
 
Jewish Christmas

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?
Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight Mass andwe sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings.Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.
"Very nice Patrick", she said.

"Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?
"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.


Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?
Isaac said , Well, it's the same thing every year.Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, and then we drive to his toy factory.

When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and sing: What a friend we have in Jesus. Then we all go to the Bahamas.
 
101 WAYS YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM BOSTON IF...

1. The Red Sox World Series win was, and will always be, one of the greatest moments in your life.

2. The guy driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you're swearing at him for going too slow.

3. When ordering a tonic, you mean a Coke.

4. You went to Canobie Lake Park or Water Country as a kid

5. You actually enjoy driving around rotaries.

6. You do not recognize the letter"R" as a part of the English language.

7. Your social security number starts with a 0

8. You can actually find your way around Boston.

9. You know what a "regular" coffee is.

10. You keep an ice scraper in your car year-round.

11. You can tell the difference between a Revere accent ! and a Dorchester accent.

12. Springfield is located "way out west."

13. You almost feel disappointed if someone doesn't f lip you the bird

when you cut them off or steal their parking space.

14. You know how to pronounce the names of towns like Worcester, Billerica, Gloucester, and Haverhill.

15. Anyone you don't know is a potential idiot until proven otherwise.

16. Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkin Donuts or CVS within eyeshot at all times.

17. You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday just to buy alcohol.

18. You know how to pronounce Yastrzemski.

19. You know there's a trophy at the end of the Bean Pot.

20. You order iced coffee in January

21. You know that the Purple Line will take you anywhere

22. You love scorpion bowls.

23. You know what they sell at a Packie.

24. Sorry Manny, but number 24 means DEWEY EVANS.

25. You know what First Night is.

26. You know at least one guy named Sean, Pat, Whitey, Red, Bud or Seamus.

27. McLobster? McCrap!

28. You know at least 2 cops in your town because they were your high school drinking buddies.

29. Sure there are 6 New England states, but Connecticut really doesn't count.

30. You intentionally give wrong directions to tourists, feel bad when

they drive off, but then say to yourself,"Ah, screw them."

31. You know at least one bar where you can get something to drink

after last call.

32. You're sick of the Kennedy's, but you vote for them anyway.

33. You know holding onto the railing when riding the Green Line is not optional

34. The numbers '78 and '86 make you cringe.

35. You've been to Goodtimes before

36. You think the rest of the country owes you for Thanksgiving and

Independence Day. (...and they DO).

37. You have never been to "Cheers."

38. The words 'WICKED' and 'GOOD' go together.

39. You've been to Fenway Pahk several times.

40. You've gone to at least one party at U Mass.

41. You own a "Yankees Suck" shirt or hat.

42. You know what a Frappe is.

43. You've been to Hempfest.

44. You know who Frank Averuch is.

45. ADVANCED: You know Frank Averuch was once Bozo the Clown

46. You can complete the following: "Lynn, Lynn..."

47. You get pissed off when a restaurant serves clam chowder, and it turns out to be friggin' Snows.

48. You actually know how to merge from six lanes of traffic down to one.

49. The TV weatherman is damn good if he's right 25% of the time.

50. You never go to "Cape Cod," you go "down the Cape".

51. You think that Roger Clemens and Johnny Damon are more evil than Whitey Bulger.

52. You know who Whitey Bulger is.

53. You went to the Swan Boats, House of Seven Gables, or Plymouth Plantation on a field trip in elementary school

54. Bobby Orr is loved as much as Larry Bird, Tom Brady, and Ted Williams.

55. You remember Major Mudd.

56. You know what candlepin bowling is

57. You can drive to the mountains and the ocean all in one day

58. You know Scollay Square once stood where Government Center is.

59. When you were a kid, Rex Trailer was the coolest guy around.

Speaking of which...

60. You can still hum the song from the end of Boom Town

61. Calling Carrabba's an "Italian" restaurant is sacrilege

62. You still have your old Flexible Flyer somewhere in your parents'attic.

63. You know that the Mass Pike is some sort of strange weather

dividing line.

64. The only time you've been on the Freedom Trail is when relatives

are in town.

65. The Big Dig tunnel disaster wasn't really that much of a surprise.

66. You call guys you've just met "Chief" or"Boss."

67. 4:15pm and pitch black out means there's just 3 more shopping days until Christmas

68. You know more than one person with the last name Murphy

69. You refer to Savin Hill as "Stab 'n Kill."

70. You've never eaten at Durgin Park, but recommend it to tourists.

71. You can't look at the zip code 02134 without singing it.

72. You voted for a Republican Mormon as Governor just to screw with

the rest of the country.

73. 11pm? Drunk? It means one thing: Kowloon!

74. 2am? Drunk? It means one thing: Kelly's Roast Beef!

75. 5am? Drunk? It means one thing: You wish you had a blanket in your back seat

76. You know that P-Town isn't the name of a new rap group.

77. People you don't like are all "Bastids."

78. You took school or work off for the Patriots first Super Bowl Win

Parade

79. You've called something "wicked pissa."

80. You'll always get razzed for Dukakis.

81. Saturday afternoons meant Creature Double Feature with Dale Dorman

82. Sunday mornings meant the Three Stooges on Channel 38

83. You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater

84. No, you don't trust the Gorton's Fisherman.

85. You know that Papa Gino's usually has a jukebox

86. You think Aerosmith is the greatest rock band of all time.

87. Your town has at least 6 sub shops, and none of them are a Subway.

88. You know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a Frankie.

89. 20 degrees isn't that bad as long as there's no wind.

90. You were very sad when saying goodbye to the Boston Garden

91. Thanksgiving means family, turkey, High School football, and the long version of Alice's Restaurant.

92. You know the guy who founded the Boston Pops was Athah Feedlah.

93. You know what the Combat Zone is

94. You drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax

95. You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left.

96. You've bragged about the money you've saved at The Christmas Tree Shop

97. You've been to Hampton Beach on a Saturday night

98. Playing street hockey was a daily after school ritual.

99. Hearing an old lady shout "Numbah 96 for Sioux City!" means it's time f or steak

100. You remember Jordan Marsh, Grants, Bradlees, Caldor, Zayres, or Ann & Hope.

101. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Massachusetts
 
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered another
race and it won again.

The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.

The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid
of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news,
posted the following headline:
NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so
she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas ... the Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY???
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you
much grief and misery and even shorten your life.
So, be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer.
 
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