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Time for a JOKE

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car!

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away?"

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ..so we're just waiting."
 
REDNECK VASECTOMY

A Tennessee couple, both bonified rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision--why after nine children, would they choose to
do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
 
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the
lawyer.Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favourite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the
fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to
the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.! I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the Hell would you say?
 
CROWDS PANIC AS FLOOD THREATENS IRELAND

floodinIreland.jpg
 
> The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I
>told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the
>hours passed by, and the margaritas went down way too easily.
>
> Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
>door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
>Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9
>times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
>solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when
>totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
>
> The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told
>him "Midnight". He didn't seem peeved at all. Whew! Got away with that
>one!
>
> Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
>
> When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
>three times, then said, "Oh shit!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
>throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
>tripped over the coffee table and farted."
>
 
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the coun ter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
 
Guido said:
mel said:
what should you do if a blonde throws a pin at you???...................<p><p>run like #### she has a grenade in her mouth!!!!!!!!
Click to expand...
That's AWESOME...The wife is blonde and loves blonde jokes...I honestly don't think I heard that one before...

Guido...
Click to expand...

From my wife... (a brunette)
What's the mating call of the Blonde? "I'm sooooooo drunk!"
What's the mating call of the Redhead? "Has that blonde b**ch left yet?"

And from my blonde daughter....
Why are blonde jokes so stupid? So Men can understand them.
 
Mr Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgment. When he stood before the almighty, he thought he’d seize the opportunity to make a point with God. So Mr. Honda asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"

God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".

"Well," said Mr. Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your female creation;

1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and have excessive wobble.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous,

"I don't even wanna start talking about the maintenance costs."

"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a look." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in few things and waited for the results.

After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but last time I checked, more men are riding my invention than yours."
 
Having grown up near Canada, I’ve brought a few stories to Texas that nobody down here understands…. Hopefully Coventrycat86 will get a grin. ;)

A flying saucer with a crew of alien scientists is scanning the Earth looking for strange life-forms. After a scan over the Bay of Fundy, they discover a life-form that has no apparent brain activity. The bi-pedal humanoid is in fact a Newfie, rowing along the coast, happy as a clam, singing,
“Eye’s the bye who built the boat and eye’s the bye that sails 'er”

One alien turns to another and says “This is amazing, we must investigate!” So they beam him up. They sedate the man, examine him, open his head and take out half his brain. Sew him up and beam him back down to his boat. After a few minutes he comes round, shakes his head and starts rowing and singing again:
“Eye’s the bye who built the boat and eye’s the bye that sails 'er”

The aliens look at each other amazed. They beam the subject back up, open up his head, and take out another quarter of his brain. After returning him to his craft, they watch in amazement as the man awakens, picks up the oars, and starts rowing and singing again:
“Eye’s the bye who built the boat and eye’s the bye that sails 'er”

The alien scientists are completely baffled. So, once again, the beam the man back into their spaceship lab, open up his head and remove the last piece of brain. After sewing him up again, they return him to his rowboat and are amazed. He stirs. He wakes. He picks up the oars and starts singing:
“Alouette, gentille Alouette. Alouette je te plumerai
 
mdutch said:
Having grown up near Canada, I’ve brought a few stories to Texas that nobody down here understands…. Hopefully Coventrycat86 will get a grin. ;)

A flying saucer with a crew of alien scientists is scanning the Earth looking for strange life-forms. After a scan over the Bay of Fundy, they discover a life-form that has no apparent brain activity. The bi-pedal humanoid is in fact a Newfie, rowing along the coast, happy as a clam, singing,
“Eye’s the bye who built the boat and eye’s the bye that sails 'er”

One alien turns to another and says “This is amazing, we must investigate!” So they beam him up. They sedate the man, examine him, open his head and take out half his brain. Sew him up and beam him back down to his boat. After a few minutes he comes round, shakes his head and starts rowing and singing again:
“Eye’s the bye who built the boat and eye’s the bye that sails 'er”

The aliens look at each other amazed. They beam the subject back up, open up his head, and take out another quarter of his brain. After returning him to his craft, they watch in amazement as the man awakens, picks up the oars, and starts rowing and singing again:
“Eye’s the bye who built the boat and eye’s the bye that sails 'er”

The alien scientists are completely baffled. So, once again, the beam the man back into their spaceship lab, open up his head and remove the last piece of brain. After sewing him up again, they return him to his rowboat and are amazed. He stirs. He wakes. He picks up the oars and starts singing:
“Alouette, gentille Alouette. Alouette je te plumerai
Click to expand...

LMFAO!! :laugh:
 
coventrycat86 said:
mdutch said:
Having grown up near Canada, I’ve brought a few stories to Texas that nobody down here understands…. Hopefully Coventrycat86 will get a grin. ;)

A flying saucer with a crew of alien scientists is scanning the Earth looking for strange life-forms. After a scan over the Bay of Fundy, they discover a life-form that has no apparent brain activity. The bi-pedal humanoid is in fact a Newfie, rowing along the coast, happy as a clam, singing,
“Eye’s the bye who built the boat and eye’s the bye that sails 'er”

One alien turns to another and says “This is amazing, we must investigate!” So they beam him up. They sedate the man, examine him, open his head and take out half his brain. Sew him up and beam him back down to his boat. After a few minutes he comes round, shakes his head and starts rowing and singing again:
“Eye’s the bye who built the boat and eye’s the bye that sails 'er”

The aliens look at each other amazed. They beam the subject back up, open up his head, and take out another quarter of his brain. After returning him to his craft, they watch in amazement as the man awakens, picks up the oars, and starts rowing and singing again:
“Eye’s the bye who built the boat and eye’s the bye that sails 'er”

The alien scientists are completely baffled. So, once again, the beam the man back into their spaceship lab, open up his head and remove the last piece of brain. After sewing him up again, they return him to his rowboat and are amazed. He stirs. He wakes. He picks up the oars and starts singing:
“Alouette, gentille Alouette. Alouette je te plumerai
Click to expand...

LMFAO!! :laugh:
Click to expand...


Damn Canadians... :cool:
 
Stolen from CF:



One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is t hat really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
 
A man and his wife decide to play golf but neither is very good so they sign up for lessons.

The man goes to his lesson first. The instructor says, "Show me your swing so I can evaluate you." The man swings and the instructor says, "That was good but you're holding the club too tight. Try holding it gently like you would hold your wife's breasts." The man does so and he hits the ball 250 yards!

Later, the wife goes for her lesson. Again the instructor tells her to show him her swing so that he can evaluate her. She does and he says, "You're also holding the club too tight. Hold it like you would hold your husband's penis." She does so and takes her swing. Then the golf instructor says, "Try it again but this time take the club out of your mouth."
 
davew0670 said:
A man and his wife decide to play golf but neither is very good so they sign up for lessons.

The man goes to his lesson first. The instructor says, "Show me your swing so I can evaluate you." The man swings and the instructor says, "That was good but you're holding the club too tight. Try holding it gently like you would hold your wife's breasts." The man does so and he hits the ball 250 yards!

Later, the wife goes for her lesson. Again the instructor tells her to show him her swing so that he can evaluate her. She does and he says, "You're also holding the club too tight. Hold it like you would hold your husband's penis." She does so and takes her swing. Then the golf instructor says, "Try it again but this time take the club out of your mouth."
Click to expand...


They may be boyfriend and girlfriend, they are not husband and wife. :sign:
 
Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were walking down a street, and they passed by a young teenage boy sitting on the steps. The Priest looked at the Rabbi and said "wanna screw him"?

The Rabbi said "Out of what"

(told to me by a jewish friend, best jew joke teller i've ever run across)
 
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
 
A man walks into a bar holding a 4 foot alligator under his arm. He puts the alligator onto the bar and orders a beer. Shortly after receiving his beer, the man unzips his pants, opens the alligators mouth and puts his penis in, the gator snaps his mouth shut. Everyone in the bar stares in amazement. A few minutes pass by, and the man is done with his beer. He then proceeds to hit the gator over the head with the empty bottle to get it to release his penis out of it's mouth. The man then states that he will pay anyone in the bar $100 if they can perform the same trick. No one dares take his bet, so he ups the anty. He offers anyone in the bar $250 if they will perform the same trick. A few minutes pass by and a young blonde woman walks up to him. She states, "I will do it for the $250, just don't hit me with the bottle"..... :D
 
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