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Time for a JOKE

Gator said:
Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were walking down a street, and they passed by a young teenage boy sitting on the steps. The Priest looked at the Rabbi and said "wanna screw him"?

The Rabbi said "Out of what"

(told to me by a jewish friend, best jew joke teller i've ever run across)
Click to expand...

Equally funny when told as a pedophile and a lawyer joke. Also less likely to offend (a non-offended Jewish lawyer is saying this).

Edited 'cause Gary has started taking CoventryCat lessons.
 
smokelaw1 said:
Gator said:
Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were walking down a street, and they passed by a young teenage boy sitting on the steps. The Priest looked at the Rabbi and said "wanna screw him"?

The Rabbi said "Out of what"

(told to me by a jewish friend, best jew joke teller i've ever run across)
Click to expand...

Equally funny when told as a pedophile and a lawyer joke. Also less likely to offend (a noon-offended Jewish lawyer is saying this).
Click to expand...

So - you mind 'Noon'?

What about 12 o'clock?
 
coventrycat86 said:
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the
lawyer.Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favourite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the
fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to
the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.! I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the Hell would you say?
Click to expand...

I heard Jerry Clower tell this joke once. I laugh everytime I hear/read it. :thumbs: :laugh:
 
grateful1 said:
smokelaw1 said:
Gator said:
Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were walking down a street, and they passed by a young teenage boy sitting on the steps. The Priest looked at the Rabbi and said "wanna screw him"?

The Rabbi said "Out of what"

(told to me by a jewish friend, best jew joke teller i've ever run across)
Click to expand...

Equally funny when told as a pedophile and a lawyer joke. Also less likely to offend (a noon-offended Jewish lawyer is saying this).
Click to expand...

So - you mind 'Noon'?

What about 12 o'clock?
Click to expand...

Cute.
 
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
 
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS..........

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from. So", he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he as ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's kindergarten teacher."
 
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

..........................................................

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

...........................................................

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

............................................................

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
 
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known Lovers' spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising
situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says:"And her,
what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night
in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says :"I'm 22, sir."

The cop asks: "And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.
 
wtrfwler1 said:
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS..........

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from. So", he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he as ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's kindergarten teacher."
Click to expand...


Now that would make for a very uncomfortable Parent / Teacher meeting
 
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph; then 110; then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said

"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said,

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper and I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir" replied the trooper.
 
Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring
cutoff from his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants
pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) having your mistress find out you're married.
2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
 
His n' Hers:

Her Diary

We played golf together today.
On the way home conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed but he kept quiet and aloof.
I asked him what was wrong.
He said nothing.
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there watching the golf channel. He seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed, about ten minutes later he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
After I took my makeup off, I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.

His Diary

Awful day at the golf course today!
Shot a 94 - can't putt worth a damn!
Got a great piece of ass though.
 
Someone sent this to me today. Funniest thing I have read in a while.

Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to
fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for
those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mo de.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Have a nice day.​
 
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his ife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there a s soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor; and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! "I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been anguishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.



The doctor snickered and said,
"Just messin' with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
 
Why do mexicans cross the border two at a time?

























Because the sign said "No Trespassing!"
 
I don't know if this one has been posted in this now 15 page thread, but had to post an ol' faithful blonde joke:

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
 
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourselves?".

"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.

Doc.
 
It's a couples first anniversary and the husband wants to buy the wife something special. As he is walking down the street he sees a pet store and decides to go in and take a look. As he walks through the store he gets to the bird section and sees this talking parrot. After watching the parrot for a while he calls the manager over and asks "how much?". The manager says that the parrot is on sale for fifty bucks. The guy replies, "How can such an amazing parrot that talks so well cost so little money?" The manager says, " the parrot has a small problem... he has no feet." The guy asks, " Well how does he stand up?" The manager replies, "He doesn't. He just wraps his d!ck around the perch and just sits there." Undeterred by this small anomaly, the man decides to buy the bird and to bring it home. Once he gets the bird home his wife loves it. The bird is talking up a storm and everyone is happy. The next day the man goes to work and when he comes home he asks the parrot, " Tell me what happened today while I was at work." The parrot replied, "Well, nothing much." The man replied, "What does that mean?" The parrot then said, "Well the mailman knocked on the door...and your wife let him in...and they went into the bedroom and started having sex." The outraged man said, "Well what happened after that?" The parrot replied, "I don't know...I got a hard on and fell off the perch!" :laugh:
 
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