• Hi Guest - Sign up now for Secret Santa 2024!
    Click here to sign up!
  • Hi Guest - Come check out all of the new CP Merch Shop! Now you can support CigarPass buy purchasing hats, apparel, and more...
    Click here to visit! here...

Thought’s Dad Joke Thread

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
 
A guys car breaks down on the edge of a small town and he has it towed to the one and only garage in town. The mechanic says, "it'll take a me an hour or so to check her out, in the mean time you can take a stroll around our little town". So the guy walks around for a while checking out the little shops, he finally decides to stop at a shop that advertises home "made ice cream". Soon the hour is up and he walks back to the garage and the mechanic says "looks like ya blew a seal" The guy wipes his chin and says "oh, no, that just a little ice cream"
 
It was Brad's first day on his new job at the hardware store when a customer came in and asked if they had files.
"Yes sir, we have files - what kind of file do you need?"
"I need a flat bastard."
"Sir! We don't use that sort of language in this store!"
"It's OK, flat bastard is a kind of file."

Brad was pleased that he'd learned something about files, something he could use next time. And then another customer comes in, a real cool cat daddy.

"Hey man, I need a file."

Brad, eager to show off his new knowledge of files, was ready to impress.

"Do you want a flat bastard?"

"No man, I want one of them round mofos!"
 
There are two general stores in a small town in rural USA and the owner of one of the stores tells the other owner that he is closing up shop, he just isn't selling enough. The other owner explains that although the are competitors he doesn't want the man to give up, he explains that he simply has to learn to sell progressively. The first owner gets a puzzled look and the second owner says "just stand back and observe" A man walks in and asks for a bag of grass seed and the second owner asks "are you sure one is enough, how big is your lawn?", he man agrees that he should buy two. The second owner then says "you should probably buy some fertilizer because once that grass starts growing you will need to fertilize it.....and once it starts to grow you will need a lawn mower". The man walks out with $400 worth of goods.

The first own owner goes back to his store and a lady walks in and asks for a box of tampons. Flustered, the owner can't think of how to up-sell this and he blurts out "do you want to buy a lawn mower?" The lady looks at him strange and he says "can't fuck, may as well cut the grass"
 
Last edited:
Two carpenters were building a house. One carpenter was throwing about every third nail over his shoulder as he was pounding them into the studs. The first carpenter asked him why he was doing that. He replied, "don't you seen the head of the nail is on the wrong end?". The first carpenter retorted, "You idiot! Quit wasting them! Those are the nails for the other side of the house!"
 
Last edited:
Two ditch diggers were deep in the ground digging a ditch. A supervisor was sitting at the top of the hole in a chaise lounge reading the newspaper. Ditch digger one said to the other, "why is it that we are down in this hole digging this ditch making $10 an hour, while the supervisor gets to sit in a chair and read the newspaper while he probably making twice as much as we are?" They both contemplate the question but neither could come up with logical answer. Finally the second ditch digger looked at the first and says, "why don't you go up there and ask him!" After climbing out of the hole and approaching the supervisor the first ditch digger say, "Hey boss... Why is it that you get to sit in this chair and read the newspaper while my partner and I are down in the hole really working hard and only making half of what you make?" The supervisor replies, "well - it's because I have intelligence!" The ditch digger thinks for a second and says, "I'm not sure what "intelligence" means. Could you explain it to me?" The supervisor says, "sure I will. And when I'm done you need to get back to work! Deal?" The ditch digger agrees and the supervisor says, "follow me..."

The supervisor reaches a nearby solid brick wall and puts his hand against the wall. He tells the ditch digger to hit is as hard as he can. The ditch digger smiles, winds up and delivers a crushing blow to the brick wall - just as the supervisor moves his hand away. The supervisor tells the ditch digger that his demonstration should satisfy his curiosity and he needed to get back to work. The first ditch digger, a bit confused and hurting from the punch to the wall thanks the supervisor and heads back to the hole. After he climbs back into the hole he is approached by the second ditch digger who asks, "well? Did he explain it to you?" The first ditch digger responds, "Yes he did - he has 'intelligence'!" "Intelligence? What's intelligence?". Beaming from ear to ear because he knows the answer, the first ditch digger proceeds to put his hand in front of his face and tells him "here. let me show you! Go ahead! Hit my hand just as hard as you can!!!"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top