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Thought’s Dad Joke Thread

The stuttering bible salesman:

A man with a terrible stutter gets a job selling bibles door to door.

His first week he sells more bibles than anyone has ever sold in one week.

His first month he sells more bibles than anyone has ever sold in one month.

The boss calls him into his office and congratulates him. The boss asks how he does it?

"Wa......wa......wa......well, I s.....s....s....s....s....say, g......g.....g...g....good afternoon s......s.....s....sir or madam. I am s......s.....s.....s....selling b........b.....b.....b....bibles. y.....y....y....y.....y...you c....c....c....c....c..can b.......b.....b......b....buy it, or I.....I.....I....I am g......g.....g......going to r.....r.....r......r.....read it to you!"
 
A lady walks in to an ice cream shop and says "I'd like a gallon of chocolate, a gallon of vanilla, and a gallon of strawberry please."

The clerk says "I'm sorry ma'am, we are out of chocolate."

So the lady says "I'd like a half gallon of chocolate, a half gallon of vanilla, and a half gallon of strawberry please."

The clerk says "I'm sorry ma'am, we are all out of chocolate."

So the lady says "I'd like a quart of chocolate, a quart of vanilla, and a quart of strawberry please."

The clerk says "ma'am, please spell the van in vanilla."

The lady says "V..A...N"

The clerk says "please spell the straw in strawberry."

The lady says "S..T..R..A..W."

The clerks says "please spell the fuck in chocolate."

The lady says "there is no fuck in chocolate."

And the clerks says "THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU, THERE IS NO FUCKIN CHOCOLATE!"
 
A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist asks, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good. And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here to a podiatrist?”

And the moth says, “‘Cuz the light was on.”
 
An Easter one
A man and his nagging wife were on a holiday in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife died.

The mortician told the man, “You can ship her home for $50,000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for only $150.”
The man thought about it for a minute, then decided he would have her shipped home.
The mortician asked the man, “Why would you spend $50,000 to ship your wife home when she could be buried here in Jerusalem for only $150?”.
The man replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance”.
 
This one is a little better, and by that, I mean it's not...


A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom...
renderTimingPixel.png

First he goes to rent a tux, but, unfortunately, there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and, unfortunately, there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and unfortunately, there’s no punchline.

credit to reddit
 
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