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Morning Chuckle

You Might Be In A Redneck Volunteer Fire Department If...

your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing on the way to the scene.

you have naked lady mud flaps on your pumper.

your firehouse has wheels.

you've ever gotten back and found out you locked yourselves out of the firehouse.

Fire training consists of everyone standing around a fire gettin' drunk.

you've ever let a person's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their ground.

at least one vehicle in the firehouse still has decorations on it from the Halloween Parade and it's January.

your personnel vehicle has more lights on it than your house has lights in it.

you don't own a Dalmation, but you do have a coon dog named Sparky.

you've ever walked through a christmas display and came up with more than 3 new ideas for a light scheme for your truck.

your rescue truck can smoke the tires.

your department's name is misspelled on the equipment.

your engine had to be towed in the last Christmas Parade.

dispatch can't mention your name without laughing.

the local news crew won't put your department on TV because you embarassed them last time.

your defib consists of a pair of jumper cables, a marine battery, and a fish finder.

you've ever taken a girl on a date in a pumper.

your pumper has been on fire more times than it has been to a fire.

your pumper smokes more than the house fire.

the only time the trucks leave the station is on bingo night.
 
Mary, "Well i'm now officially at that awkward age."
Friend,"What do you mean by that?"
Mary,"To young for Medicare and to old for men to care."
 
Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.

Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.

Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!

Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.

Q. What's a hindu?
A. Lays eggs.

Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?
A. Clever Dick

Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A. Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.

Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.

Q. Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A. Because there was a face off in the corner.

Q. What is Osama bin Laden's idea of safe sex?
A. Marking the camels that kick.

Q. How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A. Don't ask her out again.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. A computer only needs the information punched into it once.

Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No-Eye Deer.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no eye deer.

Q. Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia?
A. The Tooth Fairy

Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?
A. Yeah. They're going to call it FED UP!

Q. Did you hear about the guy who's a dyslexic-bulimic?
A. He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his ass.
 
The fireman came home and told the wife,"You know at the fire house we have a great system. Bell #1 and we put on our fire fighting clothes. Bell #2 and we slide down the pole. Bell #3 and we jump on the truck and go fight the fire."
"From now on we're going to have the same system. Bell #1 and you strip off your clothes. Bell#2 and you jump into bed. Bell #3 and we make love all night."
The very next night the fireman rang the 1st bell and his wife stripped off her clothes. Then he rang bell #2 and she jumped into bed. He rang bell #3 and they started to make love.
Al of a sudden bell#4 rang out. and the fireman asks, What was that for?"
She says, "More hose, you're no where near the fire."
 
A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?"

The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding."

The mans wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles."

"SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite."

Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?"

"No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that"

"WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!"

"Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!"

Curious, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?"

"No" she replies, " Only when he's drinking!"
 
A husband and wife were driving down a country road when they hit a muddy part of the road and immediately got stuck.
The couple tried to push the car out of the hole to no avail.
All of a sudden a farmer comes along driving a team of oxen down the road.
The farmers sees the couple with their car stuck in the mud and offers to pull them out for $50.
The couple agree and the farmer hooks the oxen to the car and pulls the car out of the mud.
The husband asks the farmer, "Do you use your oxen during the day for farming?"
"Oh not at all, i use them to pull out cars out the mud hole."replies the farmer.
"So do you use them at night for farming?" asks the husband.
"No, i put them in the barn at night." says the farmer.
What do you do in the evening? asks the husband.
"I water the mud hole at night." says the farmer.
 
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.
 
An Irishman goes to the confessional and tells the priest, "Bless me father for i almost sinned."
The priest asks him,"What do you mean you almost sinned?"
"Well father i got into bed naked with a strange woman but all we did is rub against each other." The Irishman replied.
"That's just as much a sin as actually doing the deed." says the priest. I want you to say fifty Hail Marys and fifty Our Fathers and put fifty dollars in the poor box." replies the priest.
The Irishman kneels at a pew and says all of his prayers for forgiveness and then goes to the back of the church and stands by the poor box for a while and starts to leave.
The priest who is watching him intently runs up to him and says,"I said to put fifty dollars in the poor box as penance."
"Well father, i got a fifty dollar bill and rubbed it on the poor box because according to you, it's the same thing as putting it in."
 
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly (my favorite)

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid
people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The
bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future. (though this is good too)

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for
the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic
wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. (this also rocks)

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending
off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,
the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting
through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance
performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito,
that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning
and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding
half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
 
And now for more great stuff!

Always do whatever's next.
George Carlin

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
George Carlin

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
George Carlin

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
George Carlin

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
George Carlin

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
George Carlin

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
George Carlin

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
George Carlin

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
George Carlin

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
George Carlin

Religion is just mind control.
George Carlin

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin

The status quo sucks.
George Carlin

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
George Carlin

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
George Carlin

Think off-center.
George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
George Carlin

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
George Carlin

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
George Carlin

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
George Carlin

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
George Carlin

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
George Carlin

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
George Carlin
 
Little Johnny ran out to the field that his PA was plowing.
"There'a strange man in the house with MA." Johnny said.
The farmer said," If it's the realtor then he's looking for the rent, if it's the banker then he's looking to foreclose on the house and if it's a salesman i want you to run back to the house as fast as you can and sit on your MAMA's lap."
 
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, Sugar Lump?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, Chickadee,' he answered. 'I'm going to have a beer'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Buttercup..... but at the bar. You know, they have frozen glasses. '

He didn't get to finish the sentence because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer - so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't be long. I'll be right back, I promise. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, Honey Bear?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

'But Baby doll, at the bar you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that.'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT. SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR DAMNED HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A BAR... THAT SHIT'S OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?'

And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story???
 
A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 6 Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident. The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible.
Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and, there is that risk involved.
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?
 
A distraught young man made an appointment with a psychiatrist. He told the doctor,"I was out of town for business and i i sent a telegram to my wife that i would be coming home on tuesday and not wednesday. Went i got into town town, i raced as fast as i could to get home, only to find her with my best friend in bed.
The young man broke down uncontrollably crying.
The psychiatrist not being able to comfort him said,"Maybe she never got the telegram!"
 
Why Dogs Are Better Than Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, ‘If I died, would you get another dog??’
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
 
A woman goes to see her attorney and requests a divorce.
The attorney asks, "Do you have grounds for a divorce?"
She says," We have three acres."
"Well, does he beat you up?" asks the lawyer.
She replies," Not really, i get up at 6:30 AM and he gets up at 7:00 AM."
Frustrated the attorney asks her,"Do you have a grudge?"
She replies,"We have a two car gagage."
"Why do you want to get a divorce." asks the lawyer frustrated.
She tells him," We can never hold an intelligent conversation."
 
Why Beer is Better Than Women

* You can enjoy a beer all month long.

* Beer stains wash out.

* You don't have to wine and dine beer.

* Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play hockey.

* When your beer goes flat you toss it.

* Beer is never late.

* Hangovers go away.

* A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

* Beer labels come off without a fight.

* When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer.

* Beer never has a headache.

* After you have had a beer the bottle is still worth 10¢.

* A beer won't get upset if you come home and have beer on your breath.

* If you pour a beer right you'll always get a good head.

* You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.

* A beer always goes down easy.

* You can share a beer with your friends.

* You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.

* A beer is always wet.

* Beer doesn't demand equality.

* You can have a beer in public.

* A beer doesn't care when you get home.

* A frigid beer is a good beer.

* You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.



Different version....

A farmer walked into an Attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.
The Attorney asked: "May I help you?"
The farmer said: "Ya'uh! I want one of them there Dayvorces!"
Attorney: "Well, do you have any grounds?"
Farmer: "Ya'uh! I got's me 'bout a hundurt-n-fifty acres!"
Attorney: "No, you don't understand. Do you have a case?"
Farmer: "Nope! Ain't got me no case! I has me a John Deere!"
Attorney: "No, no! You still don't understand! I mean, do you have a grudge?"
Farmer: "Yeah'sah! I has me a grudge! That's where I keeps mah John Deere!"
Attorney: "No sir! I mean, do you have a suit?"
Farmer: "Yea'up! I has a suit! I wears it to church on Sundees!"
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything like that?"
Farmer: "Naw'sah! We both gets up 'bout 4:30!"
Attorney: "Well is she a nagger or anything like that?"
Farmer: "Naw! She's a little white gal! But our last young'un was a nagger!
That there's the reason I want this here dayvorce!

Sort of reminds you of South Park, doesn't it??

:D
 
A man wants to buy a plot of land and goes to talk with the neighboring farmer. He asks him,"How does the land lie around here?"
The farmer replies,"The land don't lie, the realestate agent does."
 
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says: "Well, that's great......that's just great...... Some asshole got my pen!"
 
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