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Morning Chuckle

A young man is going on his first date and is very nervous.
He asks his father, 'Dad, what should i talk about?"
Dad says, "Son you can never go wrong if you talk about food, family, and philosophy."
So the boy takes his date to a soda shop and they sit across from each other in silence, finally he asks the girl, "Do you like potato pancakes?"
She replies, No!"
"Do you have a brother?" the boy asks.
"No i don't" she says.
The boy thinks and asks the girl,"If you did have a brother do you think he would like potato pancakes?"
 
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - pet nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
 
Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart -- despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HE know where we're going?

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the new millennium, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
 
Did you hear about the nurse that went fishing with six interns?
She came back with a red snapper!
 
A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club. The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range.

The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.

The golf pro says, "Not bad, Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast."

The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"

Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.

Golf pro: "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's dick."

She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.

Golf pro: "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."




A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where does he go when he leaves here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"





A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose
coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.

The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.

The fire fighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied the wagon
to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."
_________________
 
Guy is driving down a country road and sees a sign that says, apples $5. He thinks to himself that sure is a high price for an apple but pulls over to see what gives.
He asks the farmer, "Why such a high price for an apple?"
The farmer replies that the apples are "peanutbutter and jelly apples, try one."
The guy takes a bite of an apple and tastes jelly. "Hey i thought you said they were peanutbutter and jelly?"
"Turn it around." replies the farmer.
Sure enough the other side of the apple tates like peanutbutter.
He takes a bag of the apples for home and continues down the road.
After a while he sees a sign that exclaims,"Apples $10.
He gets out of his car and asks the farmer,"Why the high price for the apples?"
The second farmer says, "they are ham and cheese apples. Take a bite."
The guy takes a bite and sure enough he tastes cheese and says, "now just bite the other side, right?"
"Correct." says the farmer.
He turns the apple around and sure enough tastes the ham. He goes ahead and buys a bag for home.
He continues driving on the country road when he spots a sign that reads,"apples $50.
He jumps out of the car and asks the farmer, What makes these apples so expensive?"
The farmer replies, "They taste like pussy, go ahead and taste one."
The guy take a bite and shouts,"These taste like shit!"
The farmer says, "Turn it around."
 
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
 
A pipe burst in a doctor's office and the plumber was called.
The plumber arrived, opened his plumber's bag and did some mysterious plumber's things and when finished handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor was very upset and told the plumber that the bill was outrageous and that he never had charged that high a bill.
The plumber looked at the doctor and replied, "I know, that's why i quit being a doctor and became a plumber."
 
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station.
They approached the gas pump and the younger alien says, "Greetings! We come in peace, take us to your leader.
Of course the gas pump did not say anything.
The young alien repeated his message to no avail.
The young alien starts to get upset and says, "We come in peace and if you don't take us to your leader, there will be trouble."
The older alien says,"Calm down, there's no reason to get upset, besides i get the feeling that this could end up badly."
The younger alien ignores the older one and tells the gas pump,"We come in peace, you had better take us to you leader or i'll blast from existence."
After not getting a response the younger alien pull out his weapon and shoots the gas pump.
There is a huge explosion and the younger alien gets thrown far away, when he wakes up he finds himself smoldering and laying in a ditch.
The older alien asks him, "Are you all right?"
The young alien replies, "That was incredible, how did you know that he was so dangerous?"
The older alien says,"Anytime you see a guy that can wrap his penis twice around himself and stick it in his ear, stay away from him."
 
NEW RULES:

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper? plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli."

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember that the reason something was a television show in the first place was that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the middle class version of looting.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place
 
Albert Einstein is at a cocktail party, he runs into one man, and Albert asks "What is your IQ?" The man replies "190" Einstein says "Excellent... we can talk about quantum physics, aeronautical science and other topics."

They talk for a while and Einstein moves on. He comes to a young lady and says "Hello, what's your IQ?" The lady replies "140". Albert says "Great, we talk about politics, current events and other things". They talk for a while and Einstein moves onto another guy.

Albert says "Hi, what's your IQ?" The man stares back at him blankly and says "62" Einstein replies "How 'bout them Cleveland Browns?"

:sign:
 
A soldier is put on guard duty and his orders are to shoot anyone who tries to get into the camp without a sticker on the window.
Half an hour after he starts his rotation a car pulls up.
The soldier shouts ,"Stop, who goes there?"
The general in the back seat replies, "General Wheeler." He then tells the driver to continue through the gate.
The soldier yells "STOP! My orders are to shoot anyone that tries to enter without a sticker on the window Sir."
The general yells to the driver "Corporal i order you to go through those gates immediately."
The soldier approaches the car and goes directly to the general and asks him, "I'm new to all this General, who do i shoot first, the driver or the passenger?"
 
A Cajun comes into a bar carrying an alligator, he bellys up tp the bar and put the alligator on the bar.
The Cajun shouts out to be heard in the bar," I'll put my genitals in the alligator's mouth and let it close it's mouth for one minute afterwhich it will open it's mouth and all of my parts will come out unscratched, and everyone will buy me a beer."
All the bar patrons talk among themselves and agree.
The Cajun pulls his privates from his pants and puts them in the alligator's mouth, the alligator closes it's mouth and after a minute the Cajun breaks a beer bottle over the alligator's head and it opens it's mouth. Lo and behold the Cajun's privates are unscathed.
The bar roars with approval and commence to buying the Cajun drinks for his demonstretion.
After a while the Cajun shouts out a new bet,"I'll pay any person that can duplicate my stunt $100!"
A pretty girl in the rear says,"I'll do it, but you can't hit me with the bottle so hard."
 
Performance evaluations we wish we could give...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
 
The pastor Fluff is walking past a pub and notices one of the young ladies in his congregation drinking beer in the establishment.
He walks through the doors and sits down next to her and says, "My dear, this is no place for a young woman in my cogregation. Let me take you home."
The pastor stands up and so does the young woman who starts to wobble and the pastor realizes he needs to help her home.
When he grabs her by the arm she slips and they both tumble with the pastor landing on top between her legs, and her dress hiked up to her waist.
The pub owner sees them on the floor and says,"Hey that's enough of that, i can't have that going on in my place."
The priest replies,"You don't understand, i'm Pastor Fluff."
The pub owner replies,"Well if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."
 
How do you know when your girlfriend is gaining weight?

Your wife's clothes fit her.
 
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts. " My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
 
Guy goes into a restaurant with an ostrich following close behind. he orders scrambled eggs bacon and potatoes, he turns to the ostrich and asks,"What do you want?"
The ostrich says,"I'll have the same."
They both finish their food and the waitress hands the guy the bill, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly the right amount for the bill plus fifteen percent.
A week goes by and the guy returns with the ostrich following close behind, they sit at a table and the guy orders biscuits and gravy, he asks the ostrich, "What do you want?"
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
After they finish eating the waitress hands the guy the bill and he pulls out the exact money for the meal plus fifteen percent and leave.
A month goes by and the guy and ostrich return at lunch hour and the guy orders steak and a baked potato with wild rice, he asks the ostrich, "What will you have?"
The ostrich responds, "I'll have the exact thing."
They finish eating and the waitress hands the guy the bill and the guy reaches into his pants and pull out the exact amount of money to pay the bill.
The waitress says," Every time you come here you pull out exactly the right amount of money out of your pocket and don't even look, how can that be?"
The guy says, "I found a lamp and rubbed it and a genie appeared, he said i would have two wishes granted. So i wished that i could always have the right amount of money that i needed for all occasions. It's better then being rich!"
"But what about the ostrich?" the waitress asks.
"I also wished for a chick that always agreed with everything i asked for, be tall and have long legs a big ass."
 
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
 
gtadroptop said:
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Click to expand...

Hey now! Yours drove up in a Mustang, eh?
 
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