gtadroptop
You can't make this stuff up
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Morning Chuckle
- Thread starter gtadroptop
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gtadroptop
You can't make this stuff up
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2007
- Messages
- 2,952
This one is for NullSmurf:
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
P.S. - I heard that after he graduated, he bought a new Mustang.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
P.S. - I heard that after he graduated, he bought a new Mustang.
gtadroptop
You can't make this stuff up
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2007
- Messages
- 2,952
A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband.
Every night he comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away.
It comes to a point where she hasn't had good sex for over a year and is considering divorce.
After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets home.
When he staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at him, He says "Baby, get upstairs to the bedroom".
She can't believe it; at last he's going to pay her a bit of attention.
They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a hand-stand against the full length mirror on the wall".
"Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY... I like it."
She does the hand-stand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin on her privates.
"The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a Goatee WOULD suit me!"
Every night he comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away.
It comes to a point where she hasn't had good sex for over a year and is considering divorce.
After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets home.
When he staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at him, He says "Baby, get upstairs to the bedroom".
She can't believe it; at last he's going to pay her a bit of attention.
They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a hand-stand against the full length mirror on the wall".
"Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY... I like it."
She does the hand-stand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin on her privates.
"The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a Goatee WOULD suit me!"
MiamiCubano
El Martillo (My Boxing Name)
- Joined
- Oct 27, 2003
- Messages
- 3,876
"What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold?"
"One is a sick duck. I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore."
"One is a sick duck. I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore."
Two terrorist have finished their bomb making class and are in the locker room getting ready to take a shower. One of them turns around a has a huge cork in his butt.
The second terrorist sees it and asks," That cork looks very uncomfortable, why don't you take it out?"
"I can't." replies the first. "I was walking down by the beach and i stubbed my foot on an old lamp and an old man dressed in an American flag with a white beard and top hat came bubbling out and said." I can give you one wish."
"And i said, No shit?"
The second terrorist sees it and asks," That cork looks very uncomfortable, why don't you take it out?"
"I can't." replies the first. "I was walking down by the beach and i stubbed my foot on an old lamp and an old man dressed in an American flag with a white beard and top hat came bubbling out and said." I can give you one wish."
"And i said, No shit?"
bilder
Active Member
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2006
- Messages
- 1,470
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched In horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of Men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, Fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, Fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!
gtadroptop
You can't make this stuff up
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2007
- Messages
- 2,952
A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, “I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.” So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, “Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!”
Poor bastard didn’t even hear the gun shot…
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, “I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.” So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, “Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!”
Poor bastard didn’t even hear the gun shot…
gtadroptop
You can't make this stuff up
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2007
- Messages
- 2,952
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'
'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, 'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'
'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, 'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'
A woman goes to see her priest and says, "Father i have a problem, i own two talking female parrots and all they know how to say is, " Hi! We're hot, want a date?"
The priest replies, "That's terrible. But i have the solution, bring them to my house and i'll put them in the cage with my male parrots, all they do is pray all day."
The woman agrees and the very next day delivers the two talking female parrots to the home of the priest.
The priest immediately puts them in the cage with the two male talking parrots.
The two male talking parrots see the two female parrots and the older parrot says,"Drop the rosary beads, our prayers have been answered!"
The priest replies, "That's terrible. But i have the solution, bring them to my house and i'll put them in the cage with my male parrots, all they do is pray all day."
The woman agrees and the very next day delivers the two talking female parrots to the home of the priest.
The priest immediately puts them in the cage with the two male talking parrots.
The two male talking parrots see the two female parrots and the older parrot says,"Drop the rosary beads, our prayers have been answered!"
30-Years What a Difference
1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair
1973: The perfect high
2003: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1973: KEG
2003: EKG
1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux
1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm
1973: Growing pot
2003: Growing pot belly
1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1973: Seeds and stems
2003: Roughage
1973: Killer weed
2003: Weed killer
1973: Hoping for a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM
1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian
1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint
1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones
1973: Being called into the principal's office
2003: Calling the principal's office
1973: Screw the system
2003: Upgrade the system
1973: Disco
2003: Costco
1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved!
1973: Passing the drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision test
1973: Whatever
2003: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane Boss, de plane."
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
_________________
1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair
1973: The perfect high
2003: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1973: KEG
2003: EKG
1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux
1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm
1973: Growing pot
2003: Growing pot belly
1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1973: Seeds and stems
2003: Roughage
1973: Killer weed
2003: Weed killer
1973: Hoping for a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM
1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian
1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint
1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones
1973: Being called into the principal's office
2003: Calling the principal's office
1973: Screw the system
2003: Upgrade the system
1973: Disco
2003: Costco
1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved!
1973: Passing the drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision test
1973: Whatever
2003: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane Boss, de plane."
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
_________________
Two voices overheard on an airplane. "Ssshhhh! This one is empty and everyone ia asleep. Let me sit down, did you bring the condom? Ahh perfume, you think of everything." A long silence and then a sigh.
Another voice is heard on the intercom. "Ok you two people in the rear toilet, we know what you're doing, put that cigarette out and take the condom off the smoke detector."
Another voice is heard on the intercom. "Ok you two people in the rear toilet, we know what you're doing, put that cigarette out and take the condom off the smoke detector."
I needed to take some time off from work to take care of some personal matters, but i knew that my boss would not allow it. I thought about it for a while and figured if i acted crazy, the boss would let me take off from work.
I jumped up on the chandalier and made funny monkey noises. My office partner, a blonde, asked me what i was doing.
I replied,"I'm making off i'm a lightbulb so the boss will think i'm going crazy and give me some time off."
The boss walked just at that time and asked,"What do you think you're doing?"
I replied,"I'm a light bulb hanging on the ceiling."
The boss said, "Take some time off, you're losing your mind."
I started walking out and the blonde started following out the door with me.
The boss asked her,"Where do you think you're going?"
She replied,"I have to leave, no way am i working in the dark."
I jumped up on the chandalier and made funny monkey noises. My office partner, a blonde, asked me what i was doing.
I replied,"I'm making off i'm a lightbulb so the boss will think i'm going crazy and give me some time off."
The boss walked just at that time and asked,"What do you think you're doing?"
I replied,"I'm a light bulb hanging on the ceiling."
The boss said, "Take some time off, you're losing your mind."
I started walking out and the blonde started following out the door with me.
The boss asked her,"Where do you think you're going?"
She replied,"I have to leave, no way am i working in the dark."
gtadroptop
You can't make this stuff up
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2007
- Messages
- 2,952
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.
gtadroptop
You can't make this stuff up
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2007
- Messages
- 2,952
Last winter, while sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. The guy could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How did you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How did you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
The New Yorker got himself a southern gal for a wife and brought her to the big city, they rented a hotel for the night and went straight to bed. As they were laying in bed she sees a used condom thrown to the corner of the room.
"Eeewwww!" She moans, as she points it out to her new husband.
The husband cranes his neck to see what she's referring to and asks,"What? They don't use those things where you come from?"
She responds."Yeah! But we never skin them."
"Eeewwww!" She moans, as she points it out to her new husband.
The husband cranes his neck to see what she's referring to and asks,"What? They don't use those things where you come from?"
She responds."Yeah! But we never skin them."
The young girl is showing her friend her new tatoo of a sea shell on her thigh.
The friend looks at it and asks," Why a tatoo of a sea shell right there?
The girl responds," If you put your ear on it you can smell the ocean."
The friend looks at it and asks," Why a tatoo of a sea shell right there?
The girl responds," If you put your ear on it you can smell the ocean."
gtadroptop
You can't make this stuff up
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2007
- Messages
- 2,952
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
Three moms are sitting around talking about their loving siblings.
Mrs Levine say, "Every year my Judy sends me in the summer for one week in the Catskills, and then in the winter she sends me for a week to Del Ray beach."
Not to be out done Mrs. Stein says, "Every year my Judy send me for two weeks to Miami and two weeks in the hamptons in a private guest house."
Mrs. Silver repies to both, "My Patty goes to see the best psychiatrist in New York three times a week in a cab and pays $150 an hour and talk about me."
Mrs Levine say, "Every year my Judy sends me in the summer for one week in the Catskills, and then in the winter she sends me for a week to Del Ray beach."
Not to be out done Mrs. Stein says, "Every year my Judy send me for two weeks to Miami and two weeks in the hamptons in a private guest house."
Mrs. Silver repies to both, "My Patty goes to see the best psychiatrist in New York three times a week in a cab and pays $150 an hour and talk about me."