Morning Chuckle

[sack]

A man goes into a bar and tells the bartender, "if i show you a great trick, would you give me a free beer?"
The bartender agrees.
The man pulls out a tiny frog and a tiny piano and the frog proceeds to play the blues.
The bartender is amazed and brings the man a free beer.
After the man is done with his beer he tells the bartender, "If i show you an even better trick, would you serve me free beer all day?"
The bartender thinking that it would be very difficult to top the first trick, agrees.
The man pulls out of his pocket a tiny rat and piano, the rat starts playing the blues and then the man the man pulls out a frog who starts to sing along with the rat's music.
The bartender is awestruck and agrees to serve the man free beer for the rest of the day.
One of the customers who has been watching the entire proceedings comes up to the man and says,"I'll give you $100,000 for the frog."
"I just can't" replies the man.
"Well how about $250,000 for the frog?" asks the customer.
"Very well, i'll sell the frog." says the man.
After the transaction has been completed the bartender comes up to the man and says,"How could you have sold the frog for such a small amount of money? You could have made millions on tv and in the circus."
"Not really" replied the man. "The rat is a also a ventriloquist."

 

[gtadroptop]

Proverbs:

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have crappy time.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

 

[in2xshp]

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders. You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

 

[gtadroptop]

A leading politician was for banning all guns in America. He was considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas , he asked the audience for total quiet. Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!'

 

[SiShong]

 

[MaxNoodle]

More Bumper Stickers:


36. [On The Back Of A Biker's Vest] If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off.

To add to gtadroptop's list:

36a: [On the back of a bikers girlfriends shirt] I'm the bitch that fell off!

 

[in2xshp]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"




A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

 

[gtadroptop]

As much as it pains me to say this, congrats to all Browns fans for the Monday night victory. In honor of last night's admittedly impressive win by the Browns, I give you this:


The Ohio State Police are cracking down on speeders heading into Cleveland.

For the first offense, they give you two Cleveland Browns tickets.

If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.



Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Cleveland Browns



Q. What do the Cleveland Browns and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ'.



Q. How do you keep a Cleveland Brown out of your yard?
A. Put up goal post.



Q. Where do you go in Cleveland in case of a tornado?
A. To Cleveland Browns Stadium-they never get a touchdown there!



Q. What do you call a Cleveland Brown with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.



Q. What's the difference between the Cleveland Browns and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.



Q. How many Cleveland Browns does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out!



Q. What do the Browns and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

 

[sack]

A young woman was playing her first game of golf after taking lessons.
On the second hole she was stung by a bee and she really felt the pain.
She proceeded to hit the ball on the fairway but the pain became too much so she when back to the club house.
When the Club Pro saw her he asked,"Why are you back so fast?"
The woman replied,"I was stung by a bee."
"Where were you bit?" asked the pro.
"Between the first and second hole." she said.
The pro just said, "You're stance is too wide."

 

[sack]

A study just came out that says Americans walk 900 miles a year.
Another study came the the conclusion that Americans drink 22 gallons of alchohol.
Seems as though we're getting 41 miles to the gallon. HOO! HOO!

 

[Emmo]

Three blondes (naturally) died and found themselves standing before St.
Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to h-e-l-l.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to h-e-l-l.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said," Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder . ....

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted.

 

[Emmo]

.

*JackAss*

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, when you just need to take it out on someone:

Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you *don't* know!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said,

"This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!

I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.

She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk.

I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered,

I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass", and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.

He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!"

It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID.

This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.

Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice say, "Hello." I made up a name.

"Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"

He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking
space.

I didn't think she was ever going to leave.

Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of
the slot.

I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.

Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)

I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."

I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,

"Hello."

I yelled "You're a jackass!" but I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's you name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."


"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."


"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2.

He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!"

And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
_________________



Rejected Nursery Rhymes
JACK AND JILL
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill
Forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

LITTLE MISS MUFFET
Sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It had not been the spider
that crept up beside her
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

SIMPLE SIMON
Met a Pieman going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon
"Pies, you dumbass!"

HUMPTY DUMPTY
Sat on a wall
Humpty dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE,
The cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock,
The little dog laughed to see such fun
When it died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY
Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.

THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL
who had a little curl!
Right in the middle of her forehead
And when she was good,
She was very very good
But when she was bad she got a
Fur coat, jewels, and a sports car.
_________________

 

[SLewis]

Darn Cat: You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this...

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet Parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrives and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother"

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...

 

[sack]

A guy on his way to the store passes by a home for the aged and on the front yard are six older women laying on the grass naked.
The guy sees them and thinks to himself, " That's unusual." and continues on his way.
On his return trip he passes the home and the six old naked women are still on the grass.
He goes inside the home and goes up to one of the attendants and tells her,"There's six of your clients outside laying on the grass in the nude."
The attendant says matter of factly,"Oh those women are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale.

 

[sack]

A guy and girl meet at a bar and things progress nicely, so nicely that they wind up at her house.
After a few drinks and a couple of kisses they agree to make love.
The guy get up and takes his shirt off then he washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
The girl looks up at him and says, "You must be a dentist."
"Yes i am", he replies "How did you guess?"
"You washed your hands after taking your shirt and pants." she said.
They proceeded to make love and afterwards she said, "You must be a great dentist!"
"Why do say that?" he asked.
"Because i didn't feel a thing."

 

[gtadroptop]

Two little old ladies were sitting in church. It was a long sermon and the preacher droned on and on. One lady leaned over to her friend and said "We've been sitting here fo so long that my behind is falling asleep."

The other lady replies, "I know. I've heard it snoring three times already".

 

[Pyre]

A little boy in Kansas City was removed from his home by the authorities. The judge said the little boy could go stay with his father.
"Oh no," said the little boy. "He beats me."
So the judge said he could stay with his aunt.
"She beats me too," said the little boy.

They finally sent the boy to stay with the Kansas City Chiefs, because they can't beat anyone.

 

[sack]

Two guys are driving through West Virginia when they get stopped by the State Police.
The driver pulls over and waits for the officer.
The State trooper walks to his side of the car and taps the window, the driver lowers the window and WHACK the trooper hits him on the forehead.
"What's that for?" asks the driver.
"Here in West Virginia you have your drivers license ready before the police officer gets to your door." he replies.
"Well i'm sorry but i'm not from around here," the driver says.
The State Trooper checks out the drivers license and the driver is clean. He returns the drivers license to the driver and walks around to the passenger side and taps the windpw.
The passenger lowers the window and WHACK the State Trooper raps him on his forehead.
"What's that for?" asks the passenger.
I'm granting you your wish.
" What wish are you talking about?" replies the passenger.
"You look like the kind of person that a couple of miles down the road would say," 'I wish he would have tried that s#@t with me.'

 

[Seavita]

Bar Stool Economics


Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20."Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that e veryone would get his 'fair share?' They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20,"declared the sixth man. He po in ted to the tenth man," but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!"

"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics
University of Georgia

For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

 

[sack]

Two men from Oklahoma were sitting at the bar when a pretty little lady started choking on her hamburger. One of the men turns to the other and says,"That young lady looks like she has some trouble, i better go over there and help."
He runs over and puts both of his big ole Okie hands on both sides of her head and asks her,"Are ya choking?"
The young lady shakes her head 'no.'
Are ya able ta breath?" The man asks.
The young lady shakes her head 'no'.
The man drops on his knees and pull up her skirt and drops her panties and then licks her butt.
The young lady sputters and chokes and spits the piece of hamburger out of her mouth.
The Okie goes back and sits down with his friends and says,"That hind-lick maneuver sure works fine."