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Morning Chuckle

Cleaning up after a procedure on a patient, the Army nurse leans over and gently whispers
to the surgeon, " The barracks door is open, sir."
Thinking nothing of it he heads toward the mess hall for some chow. While he's waiting
to be served the soldier next to him leans over and tells him his fly is open. As he zips up
he realizes this is what the nurse must have meant by the barracks door.
Later in a different part of the camp he runs into the nurse again and asks her if she saw
a soldier standing at attention when the barracks door was open?
" No sir " said the nurse , " All I saw was a disabled old veteran sitting on
a couple of old duffle bags




Florence and Ethel lived in a nursing care home. One afternoon Florence said to Ethel, "Life is so boring here, we have to do something to liven the place up." Ethel thought and replied, "I know what lets do. Tonight when everyone is sitting here watching TV, lets go take our clothes off and streak through the room." Florence said, "That is a good idea."

That evening when all the residents were settled in watching TV, Florence and Ethel slipped out and removed all their clothes, than ran in front of everyone. Fred and Tom were sitting near the front. Fred looked at Tom and said, "Who was that?" Tom replied, looked a little like Florence and Ethel." Fred asked "what did they have on.?" Tom replied, "I don't know, but it sure needed ironing!"
_________________




A guy who has a really bad stutter was walking down the street one day
when he bumps into an old friend.

"It's been a long time," says the friend, "What have you been up to?"

" I a-a-almost got m-m-m-married," the man replies.

"What do you mean almost?" the friend asks.

"W-w-w-we were sitting on the p-p-porch, and the d-dog was
s-s-scratching his back, and I said, 'H-h-honey, w-w-w-would y-y-you do that f-f-f-for me?' and she p-p-punched me out and l-l-left."

"All you did was ask her to scratch your back? What's wrong with that?"
inquired the friend.

"W-w-well, by the time I g-g-g-got it out, he was l-l-licking his
b-b-balls
 
An elderly woman died last month and never ever went out with any men her entire life.
She wrote instructions for her funeral, she requested that there be no male pallbearers.
She also had this message to be read at her eulogy.
"No man ever took me out in life and i don't want them to take me out in death."
 
The nurses were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical tapes they ran into a diagnosis of phalenfrometry and had never heard or were familiar with the ailment.
They called a doctor to help.
The doctor listened and told the nurses that the man had" Fallen from a tree."
 
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, i'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out after a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. "What should i do to prevent constipation?"
The doctor replies, Stop wiping with cement bags."
 
A Highroller walks up to a gorgeous woman of the night in Vegas Brothel and asks her "How much for a Hand Job?"
She replies "$1500, but it will be the best hand job of your life!"
The man is shocked and begins to protest, the woman stops him and walks him over to the window and points down the strip at a series of restaraunts, "You see those, I own 'em, you know how? $1500 hand jobs"
The man thinks for a minute and decides to give it a shot and proceeds to get the best hand job of his life.

Floored and thoroughly impressed, he asks her "How much for a blow job?"
She replies "$2500, but it will be the best damn blow job of your life!"
The man's jaw drops, the woman walks him over to the window and points down the strip at a series of Nightclubs, "You see those, I own 'em, you know how? $2500 blow jobs"
The man thinks for a minute and decides to give it a shot and proceeds to get the best blow job of his life.

Ok, so now the Highroller, is ready, he says, "I'm almost scared to ask, but baby, that's so good, I have to go all the way . . . How much for the real deal . . . For full on hardcore sex?"
She thinks about it for a minute, doesn't answer, and simply walks him over to the window, points down the strip, and says, "you see everything out there? All of that?"
The man replies, "You own all of that?"
She answers, "Honey, that's what I would own if I didn't have a dick."



Take a lesson from Mick Dundee, always, always, always, do the check!

*edited to add . . . I think I'm going to Hell for that one, lol.
 
You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
 
It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Sreet, she passed a tavern and thought , "Vy nodt?"
So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know, it's zo hot, i tink i'll have myself a cold beer." Helga said.
"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.
Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, und how's yur viener?"
 
Being a man definitely has its perks...

1. Your backside is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from having an elicit affair.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a hoot if no one notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work .. more pay.

11. Wrinkles-add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. One mood, ALL the time.

18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.

20. You can open all your own jars.

21.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

27. No maxi-pads.

28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.

32. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

35. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

36. Christmas shopping can be done for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 15 minutes.

37. The world is your urinal.
 
The Florida Orange Growers Association has agreed to pay all of O.J. Simpson's legal bills under one condition.
He has to change his name to Snapple.
 
FINANCIAL TERMINOLOGY UPDATED 2008
CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer
Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius
Bear Market - A 6 to 8 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex
Value Inveasting - The art of buying low and selling lower
P/E Ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing
Broker - What my broker has made me
Standard & Poor - Your life in a nut shell
Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock
Stock Split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves
Financial Planner - A guy whose phone has been disconnected
Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks
Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet
Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share
Wondows - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share
Profit - An archaic word no longer in use
 
One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little
boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his
mouth and asked, 'Do you know what it is?' 'No, I don't,' said the little
boy. 'Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your
Mom before he goes to work.'

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, 'Spit it out! It's a
piece of ass!'
 
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy b aby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.
 
The big animals of the forest and the little animals of the forest decided to have a football game.
During the first half the big animals scored at will.
No matter what the little animals tried was useless.
After the half time show the animals started the second half.
The elephant ran one up the middle and was dropped for a five yard loss.
Back at the huddle the rat asked,"who tackle the elephant like that?"
"I did" said the centipede.
Next the rhino went up the middle and he also was dropped for a loss of five yards.
The rat asked "Who tackled the rhino like that?"
"I did" replied the centipede.
The next time the gorilla ran a sweep around the end and was dropped for a loss of ten yards by the centipede.
In the huddle the rat asked the centipede,"Where were you in the first half?"
"Putting on my shoes." he replied.
 
Woman gets a job at a sex shop behind the counter.
On her first day her boss, the store manager had to take off to a convention but told her to hold down the fort.
A little nervous, she explained that she didn't know the prices of anything. The Manager told her to simply do the best she could while he was gone.
The Store manager left and 10 minutes later, the woman's first customer walks in.
"How much for the White Dildo?" The customer asks.
Nervously the woman answers "$20 bucks". The Customer pays for it and leaves.
15 minutes later another customer comes in. "How much for the black Dildo?" she asks.
Nervous about not turning a profit from the first dildo sale she nervously replied "$30 bucks".
The customer pays and leaves.
Another 20 minutes later, a third customer walks through the door.
"How much for the Plaid Dildo?" she asks abruptly
The woman behind the counter nervously answers "$50 bucks".
The customer again pays and leaves.
Another 10 minutes later the store manager calls to check on the status of the store.
Nervous about her job, she quickly states "I'm sorry I didn't know the prices of anything so I had to wing it"
"It can't be that bad" The manager said. "What did you sell?"
"Well...I sold the White Dildo for $20......"
" I sold the Black Dildo for $30......"
"...and I sold your Thermos for $50"
 
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husband.
Adam went out on a two day bender and when he came home Eve was upset.
"You've been out with other women,"Eve said.
Adam replied,"Eve! You're being unreasonable, you are the only woman on earth."
That night Adam is sleeping in his bed when he's awakened by a poke in the ribs.
He sees Eve and asks her,"What are you doing?"
"I'm counting your ribs!" she replies.
 
George Carlin said it best . . .

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Daylight savings time. Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in ArcHives?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If you shouldn't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
 
A boy walks into the barbershop and the barber whispers to his client,"This kid is the stupidest kid i've ever seen. Watch this." and the barber puts a dollar in one hand and two quarters in the other and asks the kid, "Pick which hand you want the money from."
The kid sure enough picks the two quarters and walks out of the barbershop.
"See what did i tell you." says the barber shaking his head.
The customer walks out of the shop after the haircut and sees the kid coming out of the store next door with an ice cream cone and says, "Hey kid! Why did you pick the two quarters when you could have picked the dollar?"
The kid replies "Because when i pick the dollar it's all over."
 
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

"No son, I want this color."

"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"
 
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.” The grandfather replies " I know, that's from your grandmother."
:laugh:
 
Cheryl was horrified when she heard that her grandfather had died so she paid her grandmother a visit.
She asked "Grandma how did grandpa die?"
"He died on Sunday while we were having sex." grandma replied.
Cheryl was shock and said "Grandma that's taking a chance by having sex at the age of 94."
"Oh, not really." replied grandma, "We had sex every Sunday by the rhythm of the church bells, in with the dings and out with the dongs. Until that damn ambulance came right by our house."
 
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