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Morning Chuckle

Max went to the doctor's office for his annual exam.
After the exam the doctor asked him " Is there anything unusual that you're experiencing Max?"
Max replied, "Well my suits don't fit anymore like they used to."
The doctor told Max that, You probably just gained a few pounds."
Max replied, " That's just it, i haven't gain a pound."
The doctor said, "You must have furniture disease."
"What's furniture disease?" asked Max.
"That's when your chest slips into your drawers." replied the doctor.
 
Two drunks are sitting at the bar.
One says to the other, "You know when i was thirty and i got an erection i couldn't bend it no matter how hard i tried."
"When i got to forty i could bend it ten degrees if i used two hands."
"When i got to forty i could bend it twenty degrees if i used two hands."
"When i got to fifty i could bend it thirty degrees with one hand."
"Now that i'm sixty years old i can bend it in half with one hand."
"What's your point?" asked the second drunk.
"I'm just wondering how strong i'm going to get."
 
More Bumper Stickers:

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.

4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.

10. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.

11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.

15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home

19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha

20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

26. Illiterate? Write For Help

27. Honk If Anything Falls Off

28. Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes

29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

34. It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

35. I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

36. [On The Back Of A Biker's Vest] If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off.

37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...

38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

39. [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep] If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over

40. Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

41. [At a restaurant] Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.

44. Ax Me About Ebonics

45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

46. Boldly Going Nowhere

47. Cat: The Other White Meat

48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!

49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That

50. Heart Attacks - God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.

54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

55. Saw It. Wanted It. Had A Fit. Got It!

56. Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition

57. What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull

58. PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals

59. Keep Honking – I’m re-loading!
 
Two little boys are sitting in the living room watching TV with their parents. The Mother looks over at the Father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The Mother turns back to the two boys and says "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back. Okay?"

The two boys nod okay, and the parents take off upstairs. The oldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his Mum and Dad's bedroom and shakes his head.

Back down stairs he goes to his little Brother. "Come with me," he says. And the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older Brother turns to his younger Brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!"
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To qualify to become a private detective all you need to do is prove your powers of deductive reasoning. Answer this simple question...

Fact #1 - Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game.
Fact #2 - They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park.
Fact #3 - The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely, mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.
Fact #4 - Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Based on the given information...
What inning is it, and how many players are on base?

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Think harder!
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It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded...
_________________
 
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 280 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart:

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Top Ten Signs You Know You've Joined A Redneck HMO...

10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape.

9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.

8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill.

7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day".

6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.

4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.

3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park".

1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's
 
A man is walking around the streets of the city one day when he spies an old friend of his from college.
'George!' he yells. 'I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"
'Well, George replies. 'I am the Clarinet player for the International Orchestra."
'Spectecular!' the man replies.
'It;s not what you might think my friend. We play for the King of England, he loves our music. He says 'fill the instruments with gold!' And the fill the Tuba with gold and they fill the Saxaphone with gold, and me with the f#####g Clarinet.'
We play for rhe Queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with Silver!' and they fill the Tuba with silver and they fill the Saxaphone with silver, and me with the f#####g Clarinet.
'Then we play for the Czar of Russia. He hates the music; he says 'Shove the instruments up their asses! and the Tuba doesn't fit and the Saxaphone doesn't fit. And me with the f#####g Clarinet!'
 
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. The owner decided to have some general fun and said, "I've got good news and bad news." "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."
 
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked. "Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
 
The middle aged woman came home all upset, she went straight to her husband who was watching the boob tube.
She told him, "I just got back from buying shoes and ran into a very rude salesman, i selected a pair of shoes and he helped me putting them on. When he got down on his knees he noticed that i forgot to put on my undies and said 'if i could find some cream i would eat all that ice cream'"
What are you going to do?"
The husband just sat on the couch and didn't respond.
"Aren't you going down to the store and punch him in the nose?"
The husband turned to her and said, "No, i'm not."
"Why not?" asked the wife?"
"Three reasons," the husband said.
"First, you shouldn't be shopping for shoes, you have a closet full of shoes."
"Second, why weren't you wearing any underwear?"
"Third, any guy who can eat that much ice cream, i'm not messing with."
 
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. but it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John

PS. Dad,
None of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the Report card that's in center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
 
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

Doc.
 
Devil Doc said:
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

Doc.
Click to expand...
Hey Doc, check furher back for references. Just saying. :whistling:
 
Whenever you repeat a joke, you should have to send a bomb to the person that posted it first. :D
 
Two doctors are talking shop while golfing.
"I worked on Mr. Lee yesterday." Said the first doctor.
"For what?" asked the other doctor.
"$17,000" replied the first.
"What did he have?" asked the second doctor with a bit of exasperation in his voice.
"Oh! About $17,000."
 
One day the farmers eldest son comes to him and asks for a car.
The farmer takes his son to the barn and says, "We can't have another car until the tractor is paid for." The son nods but is disappointed.
A while later the farmer's ten year old son comes to him and asks for a bicycle. The farmer replies that "we have to pay off the tractor before we can buy a bicycle." The son leaves heart broken.
A week goes by and the farmer's three year old son comes to him asking for a tricycle and the farmer explains the situation with the tractor.
The little boy goes out to the yard completely upset and comes upon the rooster mounting a hen, the boy goes up to the rooster and kicks the rooster clean off the hen.
The farmer seeing what just happened goes up to his young son and asks, "Why did you kick the rooster like that?"
The boy replies, "No one is getting a ride around here until that tractor is paid for!"
 
A 90 year old woman is before the judge for shoplifting.
The judge asks her,"What did you steal?"
The old woman replies, "A can of peaches, your honor."
"Why did you steal the can of peaches?" the judge asks.
"Because i was hungry your honor." the old woman says.
The judge asks, "How many peaches were in the can>"
"Six peaches." Your honor.
"Then i sentence you to six days in jail." the judge replies.
The woman's husband comes up to the bench and says,"She also stole a can of peas."
 
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