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Morning Chuckle

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."
 
The Seven Kinds of Sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until
you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so
needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has
gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each
other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex,
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at
night.(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and
screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex,
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.
 
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.


Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
 
Two guys come into a bar dragging their buddy, they sidle up to the bar and drop their friend on the floor and order two beers slurring their words. 'Two beers barkeeper' one says.
'What about your friend?' the bartender asks.
'None for him, he's the designated driver.'
 
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".

The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
 
SLewis said:
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.


Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Click to expand...

THE JACK SCHITT VIDEO

MORE SCHITT
 
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
 
A beautiful blonde is stopped by a police officer for speeding.
The officer comes up to her car and says "could i see your driver's license?"
She says "What's a drivers license?"
He replies "You don't know what a driver's license is? It's the card with your information and picture on it."
She fumbles through her purse until she finds it and says, "Is this it?"
"Yes" he replies. "Now can i see your proof of car insurance?"
She replies "What's it look like?"
The officer starts to get upset and says, "It's the card from your insurance company that proves you have insurance on your car."
She fumbles around her purse until the officer is forced to find it for her.
He goes back to his patrol car and radios in her information and tells the dispatcher about this woman's stupidity.
The dispatcher asks "Is this a blonde beautiful woman?"
"Yes she is." he answers.
The dispatcher tells the officer to return to her car and drop his pants.
"No way am i doing that" the officer says.
The dispatcher replies "just do it and trust me."
Being as how the dispatcher and the officer are good friends, the officer finally agrees to do it.
He returns to the blonde woman's car and drops his pants.
She takes one look and says "Not another breathalizer test again!"
 
A man and his six kids board an airplane and after a while they settle down into their seats.
A woman sitting across the aisle from the man asks, "Are they all yours?"
The man replies,"Why no." I'm a condom salesman and they are all customers complaints."
 
70 years old widowed woman puts an ad in the local paper, she's looking for for a man that's not a drinker or runs around on her and has to be sexually active.
The next day the doorbell rings and she answers it.
When she opens the door she sees a man on a wheelchair that has no arms and no legs.
"What can i do fo you?"
The man replies "i'm here to answer your ad."
"But you have no arms." she says.
"I can't go out drinking on you." he replies
"And you you have no legs." she shouts.
"Then i can't run around on you." he says.
"But what about the sex?" she asks.
"I rang the doorbell didn't i ?"
They were married the next day.
 
One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class "What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?"

Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant to pick on him she chose little Mary.

"I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotions of love are."

"Very interesting." replied the teacher. Seeing no one else had their hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him.

"I think your feet go up first."

Confused but relieved the teacher said, "Why is that?"

Johnny replied, "Once when I walked in my parents room I saw my dad on my mom, and she had her feet in the air saying "Oh God!"
 
A priest and a nun are traveling on the road and have very little money.
They get a room as, as it's all they can afford.
"You take the bed sister" says the priest, as he lays on some blankets on the floor.
A few minutes later the nun says "I'm cold father."
The priest get's up and puts a blanket on the nun and lays back on the floor.
A while later the nun again calls the priest and says "I'm still cold father."
The priest gets up again and puts another blanket on the nun and returns to thr floor.
After a few minutes the nun says,"I don't the think it would be wrong if you laid next to me for one night. you could act like a my husband.
"Very well" the priest exclaims. Get your own damn blanket."
 
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.
 
:laugh: :laugh: You got me at Aries. :thumbs:
 
He had me when he gave his reason for leaving. Can't argue with honesty.
 
A beautiful blonde gardener was walking past a man tending to his garden.
She looking at his garden with envy and asked him"Excuse me, but how do you get your tomatoes so red?"
The man replied "Well every week i stand in front of my tomato garden naked with a trench coat on and flash them, they turn red from embarassment."
The woman thanked him and went on her way thinking about what the man had said.
The next day she did what the man had told her.
A week went by and she ran into the man who asked her if her tomatoes were turning red.
"Well!" She replied "I did as you said, and the tomato are not turning red, but the cucumbers are enormous."
 
Guy goes to the doctor to check on his inability to get an erection.
After the doctor examines him, the doctor gives him his diagnosis. "I'm afraid the muscles around your genital area have deteriorated badly."
The guy breaks down and get's a panic attack.
The doctor tells him to calm down. "There are some solutions that might help you out." the doctor tells him.
"What have you got doc?" the guy asks.
"There's an experimental surgery that been newly developed, we can exchange your genital muscles with the muscles from the muscles of an elephant's nose."
The guy thinks it over and finally agrees to the transplant of elephant muscles.
A few weeks later after the transplant the guy is at a restaurant with his new girl friend.
While exchanging niceties with his new girl he feels a tightness around his stomach area and he loosens his belt and unzippers his pants.
As the couple are talking his penis reaches up and grabs a dinner roll from the bread basket and returns below the table.
The new girl friend exclaims "Wow can you do that again?"
The guy says with tears in his eyes "Probably, but i don't know if i can take another bread roll up the ass."
 
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
 
Three couples wanted to join a church, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple, and a young couple.
The pastor told them that they had to abstain from sex for two weeks before thet could join the church.
All three couples agreed and went on with their everyday lifes.
A
After two weeks the three couples returned to the church to talk to the pastor.
The pastor asked the elderly couple, "Did you abstain from sex for two weeks?"
The elderly couple nodded and said, "No problen father."
"Welcome your your new church" replied the pastor.
Then the pastor asked the middle aged couple if they had abstained from sex.
The middle aged man repied that he had to sleep on the couch for the last three days, but they had abstained.
Finally the pastor asked the young couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.
The young husband answered, "No father, we could not abstain, my wife reached up for a can of peas and dropped the can. When she bent over to pick it up, i lost all control.
The pastor said to the couple "I'm sorry but you won't be able to join our church."
As the young couple were leaving, the wife turns to her husband and says,"What luck we've had, banned from church and the stop n shop on the same week."
 
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