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Morning Chuckle

The beer scooter explains everything.......

How many times have you awakened in the morning after a boozy night on the town and asked yourself 'How did I get home?' Try as you may, you cannot piece together your journey home from the bar.

The answer is that you used a beer scooter. The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport that is granted to drunks by Bacchus, the Roman god of wine. Since the decline of the Roman pantheon, Bacchus has sought to revive his importance by creating a large number of these magical devices.
The beer scooter works thus:

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a very specific pheromone. Bacchus (or one of his many helpers) detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits him in his bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.

In return for receiving a beer scooter, a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out -- 'How did I spend so much money?'

Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (Unaccountable Drinking Injuries).

One interesting feature of the beer scooter is the loss of large time segments during the trip. The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that large portions of time will be lost. This generates the third question after a night out -- 'What happened?'

Another aspect of the beer scooter is the automatic removal of EMITs (Embarrassing Moments In Time) in descending order, those parts in time regretted most being removed first. Unfortunately, quite often ost EMITs are regained after a short period.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction, thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.

With recent models including a GPS, beer scooter users may also be transported to a food provider specializing in half-eaten kebabs, buffalo wings and pizza crusts.

For the family man, beer scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other peoples gardens and Thump-A-Lot Boots. These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe, you are sure to wake up your other half.

Special anti-gravity springs on the boots also ensure that you bump into every wall and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

Some beer scooters also include a TAS (Tobacco Absorption System).This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

Finally, most beer scooters are equipped with an on-board heater which allows you to get home from the bar in sub-zero temperatures wearing just a t-shirt.
 
Home owner wakes up to scratching on his roof, he goes outside to see a bear on his roof, he runs inside and calls animal control. The control officer says he'll be right there in thirty minutes and sure enough he gets there on time. The officer come with a ladder, bat, shotgun, and one mean looking pitbull. The officer gives the home owner the shot gun, and the home owner asks what he will be doing. The officer repies that he will climb up to roof and knock down the bear with the bat, when the bear lands on the ground the pitbull will grab him by the testicles and the officer will be able to put him in the cage. The home owner asks the officer what the shotgun is for, to which the officer says " if the bear knocks me down from the roof, shoot the dog! "
 
A woman at a party sees a genleman sitting across the room, walks over to him and introduces herself..."my name is Carmen" she said.

He repiled "That is a very nice name, is it a family name?"

She replied "Why thank you, but no it is not, I chose the name after my two most favorite things, cars and men, what is your name?"

He replied " B. J. Titsenbeer"
 
Will I live to 100

I recently chose a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 100?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, pot, or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"No," I replied. "I don't do any drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

Then he looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a shit?
 
golfgar said:
A woman at a party sees a genleman sitting across the room, walks over to him and introduces herself..."my name is Carmen" she said.

He repiled "That is a very nice name, is it a family name?"

She replied "Why thank you, but no it is not, I chose the name after my two most favorite things, cars and men, what is your name?"

He replied " B. J. Titsenbeer"
Click to expand...

Reminds me of a comic I heard once...belive it was Steven Wright...who told the following:

I was on a bus once and this incredibly hot, gorgeous, blonde oriental woman got on the bus. Beautiful body. She came down the aisleway and sat down right across from me. She then started weeping, crying, obviously in great despair.

I asked her what was wrong. She said, "Oh it's nothing."
I asked her again, saying that she was clearly upset, so something must be wrong.
She said, "What good would it do to tell you, you're just a perfect stranger."
I told her, sometimes it's good to tell a perfect stranger your problems, especially one you met on a bus.

She started to smile and then said, "well...I've just come from my psychiatrist's office."
Yes, I said, "And?...."
"Well, he told me.....he told me...."
"Yes?"
"Well....he told me I'm a nymphomaniac with a fetish for Jewish cowboys."

I said, "My name is Bucky Goldstein, very nice to meet you ma'am."
 
A maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well Ma'am, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Ma'am, the gardener did.'


SHE GOT THE RAISE
 
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and layed on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
 
An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball Beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want.....a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

'C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'
 
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!!!
 
Visitor to the insane asylum asks one of the doctors what they at the hospital use to determine if someone is insane or not. The doctor replies that they fill a tub of water and show the detainee a tea spoon, table spoon, or a soup spoon. The visitor say's 'Oh, i get it, the new patient should choose the soup spoon, as that's the biggest spoon". And the doctor says "no, a sane person just pulls the plug. Would you like a bed next to the window?"
 
Son aska mom "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?
Mon replies, "Because white is a symbol of purity".
Son goes to dad and asks, "Dad why is a wedding dress white?"
Dad replies 'Because all home appliances are come in white".
It's just a joke. :laugh:
 
A while back, this fella was in an accident and lost one of eyes.
Docs told him that they could get him a glass one that would look great and natural, but it would cost him.
He didn't have that kind of dough, so he asked what he could get for the money he did have.
The docs told him,
"Well, my brother carved an eye out of wood that looks fair. I can get that for ya."

The fella says, I'll take it. The docs then fit him with this wooden eye.
So then he gets kinda depressed and stays in doors and his friends start urging to get out more.
So finally the town hosts a dance. The fella decides to go.

He's at the dance and he's looking around and he sees a beautiful girl from across the hall.
He musters up enough courage to go over to her.
As he does, he sees that she too had been involved in an accident of some kind, and was left
with a wooden left leg. His confidence somewhat buoyed, he makes his way over to her and says:

"Pardon me miss, but I couldn't help noticing you...I...I think you're very pretty and was just...just wondering...w-w-would you like to dance?"

The girl, excited, proclaims, "Would I?!!?"

The fella, shocked and angered by this response, steps back, points at her and shouts,

"Peg leg, peg leg, peg leg!!!!!"
 
bfreebern said:
Classic!
Click to expand...

Man, that is one I remember from my sixth grade gym teacher. He told us a lot of jokes, most of which I still recall....like the one about the Rabbi who performed circumcisions for free; yep, he only took tips.
 
MiamiCubano said:
bfreebern said:
Classic!
Click to expand...

Man, that is one I remember from my sixth grade gym teacher. He told us a lot of jokes, most of which I still recall....like the one about the Rabbi who performed circumcisions for free; yep, he only took tips.
Click to expand...

He only took tips. Made a wallet out of them. Now, every time a pretty girl walks by it turns into a suitcase.

That's the ending I heard many years ago. :D
 
The owner of the company had to reduce the workforce by one person, it was either Debra or Jack, both were great workers and the old man didn't know how to do it. So he came up with a simple plan, first one to use the water cooler would get layed off. He waited in his office with the door open to see who would be first use the cooler, Debra walked in from a night of partying and went straight to the water cooler for a drink, the boss approached her and said " Debra i'm going to have to lay you or Jack off". Debra says " jeez why don't you jack off, i feel like shit.
 
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?', she asked.

He said, 'Mr. Titsengolf'
 
CHILDREN ARE A BLESSING!
You never know when you'll need blood or a spare kidney.
It's a joke!
 
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