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Morning Chuckle

A man returns from a business trip abroad and begins to feel bad, so he goes straight to see his doctor. After a few tests he's rushed to the hospital where he is put under and operated on. When he wakes up the phone rings next to his bed..
The man's doctor is on the phone and tells him that he has all the systoms of 'G.A.S.H.
"What the heck is that?" the man asks.
The doctor answers," That is a deadly combination of gonorrhea, aids, sars, and herpes.
What are you going to do about it?" asks the frightened man.
"We're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes, quesedillas, and pita bread." replies the doctor.
"Is that going to cure me?" asks the man.
"No" replies the doctor. That's the only food that fits under the door.
 
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
 
Jill, Ruthie, and Nadine are sitting together reminiscing about about shopping for groceries in the past.
Jill says," I remember buying buying cucumbers this size and this thick for a quarter a piece," using her hands to show the size thickness of the cucumber.
Ruthie says " I remember buying onions that were this big," using her hands to show how big they were, " and they were only 20 cents a piece".
Nadine replies," I can't hear a thing you two are saying but i remember that guy you're talking about."
 
A middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that there had to be something done about it.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She then explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then used it to clean the mirror. Needless to say, there have been no lip prints on the mirror since!
 
A man died and went to heaven and stood before St. Peter and behind him was a wall of clocks.
"What are those clock for?" asked the man.
St. Peter said," Everyone one on earth has a lie-clock, everytime someone lies the second hand moves one click."
"Well whose is that?" asked the man.
"That belongs to Mother Teresa, it has never moved once." said St Peter.
"What about that one?" the man asked.
That belonged to Abraham Lincoln, it only move twice in his lifetime." replied St. Peter.
"Where is the fan in that empty space?" asked the man one more time.
"That belongs to Bill Clinton." replied St Peter, "Jesus is using it as a fan."
 
sack said:
A man died and went to heaven and stood before St. Peter and behind him was a wall of clocks.
"What are those clock for?" asked the man.
St. Peter said," Everyone one on earth has a lie-clock, everytime someone lies the second hand moves one click."
"Well whose is that?" asked the man.
"That belongs to Mother Teresa, it has never moved once." said St Peter.
"What about that one?" the man asked.
That belonged to Abraham Lincoln, it only move twice in his lifetime." replied St. Peter.
"Where is the fan in that empty space?" asked the man one more time.
"That belongs to Bill Clinton." replied St Peter, "Jesus is using it as a fan."
Click to expand...


Gave away the punch line. :rolleyes:


DG
 
When the oil firlds dried up the shiek realized that he had to cut down on expenses. One of the first things he had to do was to cut down drastically on the number in his harem. The shiek came up with the idea of finding out who the best girls were at sex, and just keep the best.
For days the contest contiued until one girl shown as the best at going down.
The shiek summoned her and asked,"My dear, what is your technique, you are fantastic"
The girl replied,"Oh my Sovereign of the Sands, i put ice cubes in my mouth before performing for you."
"What does that accomplish?" asked the shiek.
"My mother always said that cooler heads always prevail."
 
After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on the American Male's recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
 
The mama turkey was scolding her naughty son.

If your papa could see you now, he'd be rolling in his gravy!"
 
Fifteen days ago i read that eating red meat can kill you.
I quit eating red meat.


Ten days ago i read that smoking can kill you.
I quit smoking.


Eight days ago i read that driving can kill you.
I quit driving.



Six days ago i read that sex can kill you.
I quit reading!
 
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
 
The young boy was doing his math homework. "2 plus 2 that son of a bitch is 4, 2 plus 3 that son of a bitch is 5."
His mother who was just walking by heard him and asked, "What are you doing?"
"I'm doing my math the way the teacher said to do it." the young boy replied.
The very next day the mother went to school to talk to the teacher. "What are you teaching my son, l heard him doing his math last night and i heard him saying 2 plus 2 that son of a bitch is 4."
The teacher gave a big laugh and replied,"that's supposed to be 2 plus 2, the sum of which should be 4."
 
Pets

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.

They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.

The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.

The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.

She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.

"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.

"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.

Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!

Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.

But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...
_________________
 
An elderly man shows up for an unscheduled doctor's visit.
The doctor asks him "What's on your mind?"
"Well doc, everytime i make love to my wife i feel exhausted and my legs get jittery, what's wrong with me?" asked the elderly gentleman.
The doctor relies," It's no surprise that a man of your age is experiencing these symtoms, it's all natural and to be expected. When did it happen last?"
The older man replies,"Three times last night and twice this morning."
 
Beer Troubleshooting

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and laughs.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Cold and unable to unlock door to hotel room.
FAULT: Woke up in hotel room, got up to go to bathroom and chose wrong door.
ACTION: Knock loudly on door to wake sleeping wife. If this fails, find hotel worker to unlock door for you.
 
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Alberta, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there. The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, let me tell you something, I have the authority of the Federal Government behind me .

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer

See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on anyones land.
Even yours sod buster .

Have I made myself clear?
Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the agent running at full gallop
through the field with the farmers brama bull right behind him.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agent . The agent screams like a bitch. Help me farmer , help me.

The agent is clearly terrified.

The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs,

Your badge ! Show him your badge !
 
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned :laugh:
 
A little old lady was selling seashells on a street corner across from the beach one day. A well dressed man passed her. She grabbed his arm and asked, "How about some nice seashells?"
"No, thank you," the man said.
Suddenly, the old woman cluthched her throat and fell to the ground.
"What's wrong?' asked the man.
"I think this might be it for me," the old woman whispered. "Please buy some of my seashells."
Deeply touched, the man bought all her shells. He handed her the money. A moment later, she lay down on the sidewalk and her eyes slid peacefully shut.
The next day the man was walking down the same street and once again saw the woman vending seashells.
He walked up to a police officer. "I thought she passed away yesterday," the man said. "I was here. I bought all her seashells just before it happened!
The officer smiled knowingly. "Ah, you were conned, my friend," he replied. "You see, she sells seashells by the seizure."
 
sack said:
A little old lady was selling seashells on a street corner across from the beach one day. A well dressed man passed her. She grabbed his arm and asked, "How about some nice seashells?"
"No, thank you," the man said.
Suddenly, the old woman cluthched her throat and fell to the ground.
"What's wrong?' asked the man.
"I think this might be it for me," the old woman whispered. "Please buy some of my seashells."
Deeply touched, the man bought all her shells. He handed her the money. A moment later, she lay down on the sidewalk and her eyes slid peacefully shut.
The next day the man was walking down the same street and once again saw the woman vending seashells.
He walked up to a police officer. "I thought she passed away yesterday," the man said. "I was here. I bought all her seashells just before it happened!
The officer smiled knowingly. "Ah, you were conned, my friend," he replied. "You see, she sells seashells by the seizure."
Click to expand...

Sorry my Brother, that was a serious 'groaner'. :rolleyes:

I did laugh, though. :laugh:
 
gtadroptop said:
sack said:
A little old lady was selling seashells on a street corner across from the beach one day. A well dressed man passed her. She grabbed his arm and asked, "How about some nice seashells?"
"No, thank you," the man said.
Suddenly, the old woman cluthched her throat and fell to the ground.
"What's wrong?' asked the man.
"I think this might be it for me," the old woman whispered. "Please buy some of my seashells."
Deeply touched, the man bought all her shells. He handed her the money. A moment later, she lay down on the sidewalk and her eyes slid peacefully shut.
The next day the man was walking down the same street and once again saw the woman vending seashells.
He walked up to a police officer. "I thought she passed away yesterday," the man said. "I was here. I bought all her seashells just before it happened!
The officer smiled knowingly. "Ah, you were conned, my friend," he replied. "You see, she sells seashells by the seizure."
Click to expand...

Sorry my Brother, that was a serious 'groaner'. :rolleyes:

I did laugh, though. :laugh:
Click to expand...
:laugh: I'm starting to believe you are a groaner. :laugh: :whistling:
 
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