Morning Chuckle

[gtadroptop]

A little old lady was selling seashells on a street corner across from the beach one day. A well dressed man passed her. She grabbed his arm and asked, "How about some nice seashells?"
"No, thank you," the man said.
Suddenly, the old woman cluthched her throat and fell to the ground.
"What's wrong?' asked the man.
"I think this might be it for me," the old woman whispered. "Please buy some of my seashells."
Deeply touched, the man bought all her shells. He handed her the money. A moment later, she lay down on the sidewalk and her eyes slid peacefully shut.
The next day the man was walking down the same street and once again saw the woman vending seashells.
He walked up to a police officer. "I thought she passed away yesterday," the man said. "I was here. I bought all her seashells just before it happened!
The officer smiled knowingly. "Ah, you were conned, my friend," he replied. "You see, she sells seashells by the seizure."

Sorry my Brother, that was a serious 'groaner'.

I did laugh, though. :laugh:

:laugh: I'm starting to believe you are a groaner. :laugh: :whistling:

What finally gave it away? I'm a card carrying professional. People often groan at my jokes. Sometimes they even groan when I'm not joking. ???

 

[gtadroptop]

A man walked into a bar and ordered a twelve-year old scotch. As the bartender was busy, he decided to serve the guy whatever he had under his hand.

The fellow took a sip, spat it out, and told the bartender, "I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a three year-old one."

When the bartender heard that, he checked the bottle and was amazed that the fellow was right -- he had served him a three-year old scotch. The bartender wanted to see how good the fellow was, so he served him another scotch, this one a six-year old.

The guy had a sip and spat it out, complaining, "I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a six-year old one."

The bartender was surprised by how good this fellow was. So the barman decided to play one more little game. He served the customer a nine-year-old scotch instead of a twelve-year old one as requested.

The fellow had a sip and spat it out, stating, "I think I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a nine-year old one."

The bartender was very impressed and finally served him the demanded twelve-year-old scotch.

The customer took a sip and added, "This is what I asked in the first place."

At the end of the counter sat a man who had witnessed this scene. He sent a tumbler to the scotch expert and asked him to have a sip.

The fellow did so and spat it out and said, "Good Lord, that's piss."


The other man added, "Now tell me how old I am."

 

[sack]

A young man was walking in front of his house when he saw his grandfather sitting on the porch with no clothes below the waist. He runs up to him and exclaims, "Grandpa what are you doing?"
His grandfather looks in the opposite direction and says nothing.
The young man shouts, "Grandpa, why are you sitting here with no clothes below you're waist?"
The old man slyly answers, "Yesterday i was outside without my shirt on and i got a stiff neck, this is your grandma's idea."

 

[sack]

Celibacy can be a choice of life, or a condition imposed by circumstance.

Walter and his wife Ann attended a weekend Marriage conference, the subject was Celibacy. The session director proclaimed "It is essential that husbands and wifes know the things that are important to each other."
The director asked the husbands if they knew what their wives favorite flower was.
Walter leaned over and gently touched Ann's elbow and said,"It's Gold Medal, All Purpose, isn't it?"
Thus begin Walter's celibacy.

 

[jayro75]

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about
their moonshine operation.


Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'


The woman shakes her head no.


Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'


The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.


The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her
drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The
woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out
of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back
to the bar.


His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I
ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 

[gtadroptop]

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off on its own. Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet, which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.

The reply came back in true USMC style:

’Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location. Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. The officer holding the radar gun should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.
Semper Fi.’

 

[sack]

Larry the cable guy
1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

9. 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're totally in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without the sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,' What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember--if the world didn't suck, we would fall off.

23. Light travels faster then sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

 

[sack]

STOCK MARKET UPDATE!


Normally i avoid discussing any advice regarding buying and selling of stocks, but i felt this is important to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be another ENRON.

Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, and Northern Tissue Company.

Due to uncertain market condition, i advise you to sit on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go your gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions are wiped clean.

It's a tough market out there.

 

[gtadroptop]

A scratch golfer hits his ball three hundred yards straight down the fairway, and it hits a sprinkler and careens off into the woods. He finds the ball, but trees surround it. He s pissed, says what the hell, grabs his nine-iron, and hits the ball as hard as he can. It bounces off a tree back at the golfer’s head and kills him.
He arrives in heaven, and God himself is at the Pearly Gates to greet him. Looking up his records, God sees that the guy golf’s and says, “Are you any good?”
The golfer looks at God and says, “I got here in two, didn’t I?”

 

[Emmo]

A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly said. "My family went to the New York City Zoo and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Statue of Liberty and I was "fascinated". The teacher said, "well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word 'fascinate.'"
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate,' so she called on him.
Little Johnny said, " My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight.
_________________

 

[sack]

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign above the bar which reads:
HAMBURGERS $1.50
CHEESEBURGERS$2.50
HAND JOBS $10.00
The man looks in his wallet to make sure he has appropriate funds and looks for the waitress. He spots her serving drinks for a meager group of men and calls to her.
The waitress comes over with a knowing look and asks the man what he wants.
The man replies,"Are you the one who gives handjobs?"
"Why yes i am" she replies with a smile.
The man says,"Well wash your hands and cook me up one of those cheeseburgers."

 

[gtadroptop]

Albert Einstein's was born March 14, 1879. He would be 128 if he were alive today. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be known as....

Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty. :sign:

 

[drunkfish3]

George Carlin Quotes


I 1. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

2. When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

3. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

4. When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

5. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

6. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

7. Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

8. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

9. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

10. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

12. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

13. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

15. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

16. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

17. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

18. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

19. I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

20. Electricity is really just organized lightning.

21. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

22. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

23. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

24. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

25. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

26. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

27. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

28. Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

29. I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

30. There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

31. At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

32. As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

33. The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

34. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

35. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

36. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

37. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

38. Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!

39. This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.

 

[sack]

If you lose your hair in the front of your head it means you are a great lover.

If you lose your hair in the back of your head it means you are a great thinker.

If you lose your hair in back and front of your head it means you think you are a great lover.

 

[Boomer52]

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two
best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll
him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up...
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'

 

[gtadroptop]

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

 

[sack]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases, it was a robot John claimed was actually a lie detector.

That afternoon when Tommy, their eleven year old son, returned home from school he was over two hour late. "Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late getting home?" John asked.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "This robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Martha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around the table to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I'm sorry i lied. We really watched a tape called SEX QUEEN."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. When i was your age, i never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him off of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!

With that, the robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

 

[JetDr]

Teacher tells her third grade class that they are going to have a taste test to see if they recognize things when they eat them. The teacher calls on a little boy in the front to go first. The teacher then puts a Hershey Kiss in the boys mouth and asks if he knows what it is he is chewing on. The boy replies that he haven't a clue. The teacher offers up the hint of, "It's something that your Mother may give your Father before he leaves for work."

Little girl in the back of the class yells out, "Spit it out, Its A Piece Of Ass!!!"

 

[Emmo]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times' sake.

He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age.

He asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well, Sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

 

[Emmo]

A little lady from North Carolina had worked in and around family dairy Farms since she was old enough to walk...with hours of hard work and
little compensation ..and when canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores (1940's or 50's???) she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan...rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...." and she said, I know all about milk and dairy farms...I can do this!!!!
She sent in her entry and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house... a man got out and said, Carnation LOVED your
entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it....
Here is her entry:

"Carnation milk is best of all,
no tits to pull, no shit to haul
no buckets to wash, no hay to pitch,
just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch!"
_________________