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Thought’s Dad Joke Thread

A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant...

A warm seat in a public restroom is far worse...



So, apparently RSVP’ing to a Wedding invite

“Maybe next time”

Isn’t the correct response?



Don’t piss off old people...

The older we get, the less “life in prison” is a deterrent.



I don’t care how much you like the soap...

Never walk out of a public bathroom smelling your fingers.



I don’t always go the extra mile...

But when I do it’s because I missed my exit.



I told my wife I wanted to be cremated...

She made an appointment for next Tuesday.



Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?

Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.



I asked my Grandpa, “after 65 years, you still call Grandma darling, sweetheart and honey, what’s your secret?

He said “I forgot her name about 5 years ago, and I’m afraid to ask her.”



I went “line dancing” last night...

Well, it was a roadway sobriety test... same thing!



A man asked his wife, “if I won the lottery, what would you do?”

She said “I’d take half and leave you...”

“Great” he said, “I won $12, here’s $6, stay in touch...
 
CigSid said:
I don’t always go the extra mile...

But when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
Click to expand...

In Houston, we have assholes that will stop and back up....nothing quite like coming over a bridge at 65+ to see some idiot backing up into your path.
 
Scap said:
In Houston, we have assholes that will stop and back up....nothing quite like coming over a bridge at 65+ to see some idiot backing up into your path.
Click to expand...
Yes, I used to live in Houston, those cowboys (and cowgirls) are crazy...
 
One of the most disgusting Inn's i've ever stayed at was call "The Fiddle". It was a vile inn

People overcome adversity all the time, just look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Can't remember if I told this one already or not:

Dad: Son, what did I tell you about masturbating, it will make you go blind!
Son: I'm over here dad...

Son: Dad, how do you know if someone has been drinking?
Dad: Well Timmy, my boy, you see those trees over there? A drunk wouldn't see four trees, he would see eight instead.
Son: But there is only two trees over there...

What is made of leather, a foot long, and sounds like a sneeze?
a shoe
 
My dog is so lazy. He doesn't even chase cars; he just lays on the corner and gets their license plate number...
 
My dad grew up during the depression, so he never threw anything away.
He ended up dying in the war, holding a grenade.

My granddad survived mustard gas and pepper spray.
He came out a seasoned veteran.
 
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