Thought’s Dad Joke Thread

[Scap]

It’s a long story lol

That sheds zero light. Lol

 

[kann]

That sheds zero light. Lol

Come join us this Saturday!

 

[Thoughts]

My friend says he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography the other day. I didn't believe him....but that's his story, and he's sticking to it.

 

[H. Vachon]

Did you hear about the man who lost the left side of his body? The doctor said he’ll be all right but the nurse said there’s not much left..

 

[Scap]

Did you hear about the man who lost the left side of his body? The doctor said he’ll be all right but the nurse said there’s not much left..

That ain't right....

 

[drunkfish3]

I had a crazy dream that I weight less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like 0mg

 

[drunkfish3]

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

10 tickles.

 

[Pugman1943]

God, for as old as I am you would think I could come up with one for this thread.

 

[drunkfish3]

Why can skeletons play in church?

They have no organs.

Whats brown and sits on a piano bench?

Beethoven's last movement.

 

[Scap]

Oldie, but goodie...

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.


3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?

The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

You jump into the river and swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.

 

[CigSid]

Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.

I woke up exhausted.


Dogs can’t operate MRI machines…

But catscan.


I got an e-mail saying, “At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!” and I thought…

“That’s just spam.”


What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?

Quacks in the pavement.


When I complained about doing homework, my Dad said to me, “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.”

I said, “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President

 

[Thoughts]

Went to the store yesterday and bought a loaf of bread, a few frozen meals, some milk and 6 eggs. The cashier looked at me and said, “you must be single.” I said, “what gave it away?” She responded, “cause you’re ugly.”

I met a homeless man yesterday and he asked for $20 bucks. I thought to myself.....do I really want this money to go towards drugs.....nah, probably not. So I gave him the money.

 

[smellysell]

Grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper says, "you have a drink named Stanley?"

 

[smellysell]

Where do you take sometime that has been injured in a peek-a-boo accident?

The ICU

 

[kann]

Where do you take sometime that has been injured in a peek-a-boo accident?

The ICU

This one became my daily daughter text.

 

[CigSid]

At the store, there was a big X by the register for me to stand on...

I’ve seen too many Roadrunner cartoons to fall for that crap

 

[jbfurdog]

What was the name of the girl with one leg shorter than the other?


Eilene

What is the name of the Chinese girl with one leg shorter than the other?

Irene

 

[Scap]

What was the name of the girl with one leg shorter than the other?


Eilene

What is the name of the Chinese girl with one leg shorter than the other?

Irene

The lady with one wooden leg is named Peg.
She works at IHOP.

 

[Scap]

A blind man walks into a bar. And a chair. And a table.

 

[CBoukal]

Cow farts come from the Dairy air