SamClemmons
eloquent absurdity
- Joined
- Dec 6, 2001
- Messages
- 2,923
Joe's a biaaatch.
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The great newbie wars of "05
- Thread starter preembargo
- Start date
ggiese
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2004
- Messages
- 5,164
JoeM brings to mind what the end of the Newb wars is going to look like....
PREEMBARGO: The Castle Aggh. Our quest is at an end! God be praised! Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast [cigars hitting] safe [cigars hitting] the most- [twong baaaa] Jesus Christ!
MERCILESS: 'Allo, daffy Cigarpass Newbie kaniggets and Monsieur Prembargo-King, who is afraid of a duck, you know! So, we FOG fellows out-wit you a again!
PREEMBARGO: How dare you profane this place with your presence!? I command you, in the name of the Knights of Cigarpass Newbies, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us!
MERCILESS: How you English say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us FOG folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you heaving lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom biters.
PREEMBARGO: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!
MERCILESS: No chance, Cigarpass bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your daughter an unrequested silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
PREEMBARGO: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!
[more cigars hitting]
In the name of God and the glory of our--
[still more cigars]
Right! That settles it!
MERCILESS: Yes, this time and try any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!
PREEMBARGO: Walk away. Just ignore them.
MERCILESS: No, remain you illegitimate faced buggerfuls! And, if you think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffy Newbie kaniggets! Thpppt!
PREEMBARGO: We shall attack at once!
SWISSY: Yes, my liege!
PREEMBARGO: Stand by for attack!
[THE END]
PREEMBARGO: The Castle Aggh. Our quest is at an end! God be praised! Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast [cigars hitting] safe [cigars hitting] the most- [twong baaaa] Jesus Christ!
MERCILESS: 'Allo, daffy Cigarpass Newbie kaniggets and Monsieur Prembargo-King, who is afraid of a duck, you know! So, we FOG fellows out-wit you a again!
PREEMBARGO: How dare you profane this place with your presence!? I command you, in the name of the Knights of Cigarpass Newbies, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us!
MERCILESS: How you English say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us FOG folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you heaving lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom biters.
PREEMBARGO: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!
MERCILESS: No chance, Cigarpass bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your daughter an unrequested silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
PREEMBARGO: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!
[more cigars hitting]
In the name of God and the glory of our--
[still more cigars]
Right! That settles it!
MERCILESS: Yes, this time and try any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!
PREEMBARGO: Walk away. Just ignore them.
MERCILESS: No, remain you illegitimate faced buggerfuls! And, if you think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffy Newbie kaniggets! Thpppt!
PREEMBARGO: We shall attack at once!
SWISSY: Yes, my liege!
PREEMBARGO: Stand by for attack!
[THE END]
ggiese
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2004
- Messages
- 5,164
"And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'"
NorCalCigarLover
The Wine Guy
- Joined
- Dec 27, 2004
- Messages
- 5,898
Dug deep into the humidor last night and came out with "a little friend" to be sent out this afternoon.
Viva la Revolucion!
Viva la Revolucion!
preembargo
Sleeping not so peacefully
- Joined
- Feb 27, 2005
- Messages
- 2,686
The President of the United Newbies
in the name of
The Congress
takes pleasure in presenting the
Medal of Honor
to
opusxfiles
Rank and organization: Captain, C.P. Newb Army, 2d Battalion, 105th Infantry Regiment, 27th Infantry Division. Place and date: Clevleand, Tn , 3 March 2005. Entered service at: Clevleand, Tn .
Citation:
Captain opusxfiles was serving at Clevleand, Tn on 3 March 2005, as an entertainer for the 2d Battalion, 105th Infantry Regiment, 27th Infantry Division. The Regiment's 1st and 2d Battalions were attacked by an overwhelming force of FOGs. It was one of the largest attacks attempted in the Southern Theater during the Newbie Wars. Although Newbie units fought furiously, the enemy soon penetrated the Battalions' combined perimeter and inflicted overwhelming casualties. In the first minutes of the attack, approximately 30 wounded soldiers walked, crawled or were carried into Captain opusxfiles recording station, and the small tent soon filled with wounded men. As the perimeter began to be overrun, it became increasingly difficult for Captain opusxfiles to work on the wounded. He then saw a FOG soldier bayoneting one of the wounded soldiers lying near the tent with an OPUS X Power Ranger. Firing a ERDM from a squatting position, Captain opusxfiles quickly neutralized the enemy soldier. Then, as he turned his attention back to the wounded, two more FOG soldiers appeared in the front entrance of the tent. As these enemy soldiers were confronted with a variety of stogies, four more crawled under the tent walls. Rushing them, Captain opusxfiles kicked the Ashton VSG out of the hand of one, relieved another of his Davidoff and bayoneted a third with a PAM. Captain opusxfiles butted the fourth enemy soldier in the stomach with a La Gloria Cubana and a wounded comrade then neutralized the enemy soldier by tossing an AVO. Realizing the gravity of the situation, Captain opusxfiles ordered the wounded to make their way as best they could back to the regimental aid station, while he attempted to hold off the enemy until they were clear. Captain opusxfiles then grabbed an Ancient Warrior from one of the wounded and rushed out of the tent. After four men were smoked out while manning a machine gun, Captain opusxfiles took control of it. When his unconcious body was later found, 98 enemy soldiers were piled in front of his position. Captain opusxfiles' extraordinary heroism and devotion to duty are in keeping with the highest traditions of military service and reflect great credit upon himself, his unit, and the United Newb Army.
Oh, hello there! Yup, hard at it again. North South East West, who knows where these will come to rest! :laugh:
Oh, those newbs! I have it on good authority from an unimpeachable source, that opusxfiles received his medal while trying to figure out whether the square peg could actually fit in the triangular hole. The rehab docs hoped it might improve his spirits, given his loss of higher mental skills. It's true, you know, war is heck!! :laugh:
Well, back to the work. "The woods are lovely, dark and deep, And I have miles to go before I sleep." (Robert Frost)
MERCILESS
Oh, those newbs! I have it on good authority from an unimpeachable source, that opusxfiles received his medal while trying to figure out whether the square peg could actually fit in the triangular hole. The rehab docs hoped it might improve his spirits, given his loss of higher mental skills. It's true, you know, war is heck!! :laugh:
Well, back to the work. "The woods are lovely, dark and deep, And I have miles to go before I sleep." (Robert Frost)
MERCILESS
Swissy
Livin' the retired life!
- Joined
- Mar 26, 2005
- Messages
- 4,612
Tuesday April 5, 12:43 PM AST
PRESS RELEASE: Anchorage, Alaska communications blackout
The following is a press release from Associated Press.
Washington DC Bureau, April 5, 2005--Startling developments have transpired in Alaska today. As of 12:43pm Alaska Standard Time, all communications with any facility in the Anchorae area is non-exsistant. Military advisors are hesitant to speculate, but they suspect a massive, full scale bombardment by a (mostly) unknown force. Last known reports are of packages that the bomb sniffing dogs allowed to pass, but only after severely licking thier lips. Some time later, a loud, low level rumbling was seen, heard, and felt for miles. Moose were scattering for cover, bears were burrowing back into thier dens, and the ravens had evacuated the area a day earlier.
The damage is unknown at this time, however we suspect the worst is still to come. Teams have been dispatched to search for survivors. Stand by for further.
PRESS RELEASE: Anchorage, Alaska communications blackout
The following is a press release from Associated Press.
Washington DC Bureau, April 5, 2005--Startling developments have transpired in Alaska today. As of 12:43pm Alaska Standard Time, all communications with any facility in the Anchorae area is non-exsistant. Military advisors are hesitant to speculate, but they suspect a massive, full scale bombardment by a (mostly) unknown force. Last known reports are of packages that the bomb sniffing dogs allowed to pass, but only after severely licking thier lips. Some time later, a loud, low level rumbling was seen, heard, and felt for miles. Moose were scattering for cover, bears were burrowing back into thier dens, and the ravens had evacuated the area a day earlier.
The damage is unknown at this time, however we suspect the worst is still to come. Teams have been dispatched to search for survivors. Stand by for further.
preembargo
Sleeping not so peacefully
- Joined
- Feb 27, 2005
- Messages
- 2,686
With very little effort, our forensic analysis team has compared the posting style of the infamous “MERCILESS” with the posting styles of other known FOGs and have identified key characteristics, while our profilers have determined that “MERCILESS” is a “retired jarhead” ( it should be noted that the profilers were “smiling when they said that”). It is the conclusion of the team that we not only have an identity but also the location of this ne’er do wells’ lair.
I am currently drafting a precision strike against this purveyor of doom. This will be a one of our most treacherous missions to date. So wrought with peril is this endeavor that I will only ask for a small group of volunteers. You must be braver than the bravest; you must have a pure and righteous heart; and most of all, you must have some VERY BIG guns.
Viva La Revolucion!!
I am currently drafting a precision strike against this purveyor of doom. This will be a one of our most treacherous missions to date. So wrought with peril is this endeavor that I will only ask for a small group of volunteers. You must be braver than the bravest; you must have a pure and righteous heart; and most of all, you must have some VERY BIG guns.
Viva La Revolucion!!
Swissy
Livin' the retired life!
- Joined
- Mar 26, 2005
- Messages
- 4,612
Tuesday April 5, 5:30 PM AST
PRESS RELEASE: Anchorage, Alaska communications blackout UPDATE
The following is a press release from Associated Press.
Washington DC Bureau, April 5, 2005--New information has arrived from the incident in Alaska. It would seem it was in fact a bomb explosion. However, as reports are now coming in, it was not one but TWO seperate explosions for a total of 5 warheads. Power has been restored, and as news crews are reporting it would seem it has a strange twist. With all the explosions, only one house was damaged! The power was blown out citywide by the last blast, which was also the biggest. This report was filed by somebody mumbling to himself-
"There I was, walking my dogs, enjoying a nice cigar. Suddenly my 2 dogs started whining and trying to get away from me. They wouldn't listen at all! Then I heard it- the high pitched whistle of an incoming missle! I ran for cover, and kaBOOOM! Right in the vicinity of my house was this small mushroom cloud. I could feel the earth shudder a little, and luckily I was out of the blast zone. I could only guess as tot he extend of damage. I figured that was that, so I got out from under the log I was cowering under, and got the dogs to sit for a picture when KABOOOM- a second device went off. This was was MUCH more powerful- I was clealy 3-4 miles away and it blew me off my feet, my dogs are now the ultra-rare HAIRLESS swissys and pieces and parts of my own mailbox started raining down on me. After I woke up from my coma I managed to get to my place, and see that everything was standing but my mailbox. The front porch is scorched, and my neighbors are all PO'd at me due to the mailbox parts imbedded in their houses. But luckily I was able to capture this event on film...
All I'd like to say to the bombers (I know who you are!)is well done.. very well done! But revenge... ah, so sweet.
PRESS RELEASE: Anchorage, Alaska communications blackout UPDATE
The following is a press release from Associated Press.
Washington DC Bureau, April 5, 2005--New information has arrived from the incident in Alaska. It would seem it was in fact a bomb explosion. However, as reports are now coming in, it was not one but TWO seperate explosions for a total of 5 warheads. Power has been restored, and as news crews are reporting it would seem it has a strange twist. With all the explosions, only one house was damaged! The power was blown out citywide by the last blast, which was also the biggest. This report was filed by somebody mumbling to himself-
"There I was, walking my dogs, enjoying a nice cigar. Suddenly my 2 dogs started whining and trying to get away from me. They wouldn't listen at all! Then I heard it- the high pitched whistle of an incoming missle! I ran for cover, and kaBOOOM! Right in the vicinity of my house was this small mushroom cloud. I could feel the earth shudder a little, and luckily I was out of the blast zone. I could only guess as tot he extend of damage. I figured that was that, so I got out from under the log I was cowering under, and got the dogs to sit for a picture when KABOOOM- a second device went off. This was was MUCH more powerful- I was clealy 3-4 miles away and it blew me off my feet, my dogs are now the ultra-rare HAIRLESS swissys and pieces and parts of my own mailbox started raining down on me. After I woke up from my coma I managed to get to my place, and see that everything was standing but my mailbox. The front porch is scorched, and my neighbors are all PO'd at me due to the mailbox parts imbedded in their houses. But luckily I was able to capture this event on film...
All I'd like to say to the bombers (I know who you are!)is well done.. very well done! But revenge... ah, so sweet.