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Viejo paso de los miembros

Not in the pass, so excuse me if I'm disqualified!

Three men were talking about their teenage daughters:

The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and
found a box of cigars. I didn't even know she smoked".

The second says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the
other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I
didn't even know she drank".

Then the third speaks up. "Both of you have got nothing to worry
about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of
condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a penis".
 
attempt #2:

Two couples are on a double date when they start talking about partner swapping. They decide it would be cool to try it out. The two couples then go to a local motel. They rent two rooms for the night, and the newly shuffled couples go to their respective rooms. One couple, in their room, go wild with each other. They make love for hours. When finished, one of the two rolls over on her side, props herself on one elbow, lights up a cigar, looks at her partner, and says: "I wonder how the guys are doing?"
 
last try:

Two Scotsman were discussing how far each could make a dime reach. They agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who won.

The first guy bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes. On the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the other guy, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."

The other Scotsman said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back."
 
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
 
Swissy said:
When finished, one of the two rolls over on her side, props herself on one elbow, lights up a cigar, looks at her partner, and says: "I wonder how the guys are doing?"
Click to expand...

Pretty good, we picked up a couple of hookers, got blowjobs, picked up a 12 pack, turned on football and haven't spoken to each other the whole time. :sign:
 
Here's one more that most of you guys probably won't appreciate, but some of us younguns might.


What does Snoop Dogg use to wash his clothes?







































Bleeeotch!
 
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
 
A man walks into a watch and clock store, unzips his trousers and slaps his cock on the counter. The woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid. She looks him straight in the eye and says "Put that away Sir, this is a clock shop - not a cock shop!" "Well," replies the man, "Why don't you put two hands and a face on it?"
 
The manager was having difficulty with profits and fixed costs, so there was only one solution - more layoffs. But there were only two possibilities - Jack and Mary. This was going to be a hard decision - they were both excellent workers, and equally qualified - but one had to go. He was obviously going to have to interview them both and then decide.

So he called Mary in first. "I'm sorry," he began, "I've got some bad news. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
She looked at him for a moment in silence then replied: "Well, can you jack off, I've got a terrible headache?"
 
The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class. But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger.

So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson. Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger. Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
 
Matt R said:
The manager was having difficulty with profits and fixed costs, so there was only one solution - more layoffs. But there were only two possibilities - Jack and Mary. This was going to be a hard decision - they were both excellent workers, and equally qualified - but one had to go. He was obviously going to have to interview them both and then decide.

So he called Mary in first. "I'm sorry," he began, "I've got some bad news. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
She looked at him for a moment in silence then replied: "Well, can you jack off, I've got a terrible headache?"
Click to expand...

Just told this one today!
 
An old man was sitting on his rocking chair when little Billy walked by carrying a roll of chicken wire. The old man asked, "Whaere are you going, Billy?" Little Billy replied, "To catch some chickens!" The old man told him you can't catch chickens with chicken wire, but a little while later Billy returned with some chickens.

The next day, the old man saw Billy walk by again, this time with some duct tape. The old man asked, "Where are you going, Billy?" Little Billy replied, "To catch some ducks!" The old man told him you can't catch ducks with duct tape, but a little while later Billy returned with some ducks.

The next day, the old man saw Billy walk by again, this time with some pussy willow.

"Hold on, son, I'm coming with you!"
 
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."
 
WHY IT'S IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH

When I got back from Montana last week I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. In front of me stood an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla fo yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?" The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!" :)

Thanks for the contest and good luck with this awesome pass!

Rob
 
One of the senior members "Last Seen: 15 Dec 2004" has graciously accepted my invitation to be the judge for this contest...:cool:
 
Since I absolutely suck at telling jokes, I'm gonna guess member #398 (as judge). :whistling: I believe he may have a connection with you, Devin. :rolleyes:

Floyd T.

PS: I am gonna come in with a joke, it'll just be late in the game. I'll let y'all burn out first!!!!!! LMAO!!!! :sign:
 
Floyd, you are a wise man.

Hopefully we can get the Judge to join the pass after his work is done. :)


Another excellent update:

Member No. 19 "Last Seen: 2 Feb 2005" has graciously accepted my invitation to be part of this pass...:cool:
 
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