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Viejo paso de los miembros

Another Try:

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
 
Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their
practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Buford:
Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him
what he had. Buford said, “Shingles.”
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told
him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked

Buford what he had. Buford said, “Shingles.”
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and
told Buford to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, “Shingles.” So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure

test, an electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait

for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what

he had. Buford said, “Shingles.” The doctor asked, “Where?”
Buford said, “Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?”

:thumbs:
 
Devin those are some mighty good prizes! :thumbs:

Sorry I can't tell a joke to save my life, even if I wrote it out. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
 
I always liked this one:

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
 
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
 
Well with those prizes I have got to throw my hat in the mix. Thanks a lot for the contest Devin, and for the exciting pass!!

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"



Take 2

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

Brandon
 
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
 
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
 
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
 
may be a little slow for dial-up, but I lol every time I see it:

- Damnit - I can't get the link to work -


how about this:


A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."



The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."



Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."



As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"



The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your Radar Detector went off when it did."



As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"



The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."



The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."



The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."



And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE BE QUIET!!"



The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"









"Only when he's been drinking."
 
alright last one for now. This really cracked me up, and it is not meant for political debate!

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President. The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post turtle."

Brandon
 
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight, reaches the green, and puts it to within 4 feet. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna screw around?"
 
From a LaughLab research, as reported by CNN, the following is supposed to be the funniest joke:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
 
Two cavalrymen are sneaking up this hill to get a look at an Indian encampment on the other side. As they're getting close to the ridge one cavalryman says to the other "I don't like the sound of those drums!" From over the hill they hear an Indian exclaim "He's not our regular drummer!"
 
Here's a long one:


A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think Ishould be in the third grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I only two of?

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

Harry: Bubble gum

Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Ms. Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms. Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms. Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms. Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms. Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms. Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade; I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
 
An Irishman is strolling down the street in Belfast and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle pops out a Genie.

He's stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish...anything you want."
The Irishman thinks, "Well, I really like drinking whiskey."
Finally the Irishman says, "I wish to drink whiskey whenever I want, so make me pee whiskey."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Irishman gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it.
He looks at the glass and it's clear and brown.Looks like whiskey.
Then he smells the liquid. Smells like whiskey.
So he takes a taste and it is the best whiskey he has ever tasted.

The Irishman yells to his wife,"Sheila, Sheila, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall and the Irishman takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is whiskey.

Sheila is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best whiskey she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Irishman comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The whiskey is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Irishman comes home and tells his wife, "Sheila, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink whiskey."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Irishman begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Patrick, why do we need only one glass?"

Patrick raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my Lass, you drink from the bottle."
 
These oughta get me in good wth the judge.... :whistling:

Q. what does EMS stand for?
A. Earning Money Sleeping


Three men went hunting with their dogs, a doctor, a lawyer, and a fireman. All were bragging that their dog was trained just like themselves. The doctor shot the first duck, after which the doctors dog shaved the duck, removed the bullet, and bandaged the duck in an attempt to save it's life. The lawyer went next, and after he shot a duck, his dog notified the next of kin and divided all of the duck's assets. The fireman shot the third duck, and his dog ate all three ducks, screwed the other two dogs, and took four days off.


A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman says "Hey little boy. What are you doing?"

The little boy says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.

"Thanks mister", says the little boy.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little boy", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"



You know you are a firefighter when:

1. You can tell what type of fire it is by the smell of smoke 10 miles away.

2. You have ever had a heated debate over the color of fire trucks.

3. You have ever spent 10 min trying to force open a door only to have someone come along and open it by turning the handle.

4. You have ever taken 10 or more showers in 1 day.

5. You have ever been airborne without an aircraft and water was your thrust.

6. You have ever slept in a hosebed.

7. You've ever clung to the air horn chord for dear life because the driver is insane.

8. You have ever played jingle bells at Xmas time on the air horns to clear traffic.

9. You have ever said, "she's hot tonight" and not been talking about a girl.

10. You have ever had "yoda ears."

11. You have ever smoked and there wasn't a cigarette in sight.

12. You have ever stomped out a fire with your boots because you couldn't wait for water.

13. Your kids are afraid to get into water fights with you.

14. You have ever uttered the words, "I can break the door if you need me to Cap," before actually testing to see if it is locked.

15. If you have more toy fire trucks than your kids do.

16. You run towards a dangerous situation and not away from it.

17. You have ever been dressed from head to foot in rubber and it was not a sexual experience.

18. Your idea of ventilation is done with a chainsaw and not a Bag-Valve-Mask.

19. You've ever cursed a guy for amor-alling the seats in the rig.

20. You take great joy in smashing the windows of a car parked in a fire zone or in front of a hydrant.

21. You take pride in the fact that you haven't washed your gear in years.

22. All the shirts you own say you are a firefighter.

23. The smell of a fire excites you more than sex does.

24. A great stop has nothing to do with a moving vehicle.

25. You roll around in anything that just burned to make your new gear look old.

26. You have ever juggled hot coals with your gloves.
 
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