Viejo paso de los miembros

[cohibasurfer]

uh... can you say JOKE CONTEST?

read back a few pages before you jump in with that...

I have neither the time nor the desire to scour this entire thread looking for an alleged post where a joke contest was announced. Frankly, it's immaterial. The fact that someone would find it appropriate to hijack this thread to suit their own purposes shows a real lack of integrity.

umm... I think you need to take a lap.

 

[NorCalCigarLover]

Do you know how to catch a unique rabbit??




u nique up on it :laugh: ...... oh brother, I need coffee.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?


The tame way, u nique up on it.


My grandfather told us these over and over as kids. Still makes me laugh just remembering the way he would tell us and then laugh after each joke.

I drive my kids/family crazy with that rabbit joke as well Freebern.

 

[Allofus123]

I have neither the time nor the desire to scour this entire thread looking for an alleged post where a joke contest was announced. Frankly, it's immaterial. The fact that someone would find it appropriate to hijack this thread to suit their own purposes shows a real lack of integrity.

My Spidey senses are tingling..... just a little too over the top in the response for someone thats been around this board any amount of time. I'm not biting........ yet!

He is into fishing, I hear :whistling:

LOL.... the first cast will get the interest of most of the fish in the pond but I find that a smaller more finesse type bait is more appropriate on the second cast to catch the big ones.

 

[tone-ny]

I have neither the time nor the desire to scour this entire thread looking for an alleged post where a joke contest was announced. Frankly, it's immaterial. The fact that someone would find it appropriate to hijack this thread to suit their own purposes shows a real lack of integrity.

My Spidey senses are tingling..... just a little too over the top in the response for someone thats been around this board any amount of time. I'm not biting........ yet!

He is into fishing, I hear :whistling:

LOL.... the first cast will get the interest of most of the fish in the pond but I find that a smaller more finesse type bait is more appropriate on the second cast to catch the big ones.

Touche!

 

[jfields]

Three men who were lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisioners that they could live if they could pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the jungle and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went their seperate ways to go find fruit.
The first man came back with some kind of fruit that resembled an apple. You have to shove all ten of these up your butt without any expression of any kind said the king or, you will be killed and eaten.
The first one went in.... but on the second one he winced in pain so, he was killed and eaten.

The second man presented ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself "I can do this easily". The man got all the way up to the ninth berry only to burst out laughing. He was killed and eaten as well.

When the first and second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second man replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with an armload of pineapples."

 

[insight]

q: how do you know that a blonde played on your computer? a: the joystick is on the chair...

 

[Strayvector]

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it.

 

[insight]

A man walking along a British Columbia beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one desire."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several of my beautiful natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife! I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

There was a moment of silence...then The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

[insight]

Bill Gates dies and he goes in front of God. God says: Bill, you were very rich and gave vast sums of money to poor people. I will let you choose where you want to go heaven or hell
Bill gates says "Can i see what each is like first?" To which God says "Sure, why not?"
So he goes to heaven and sees Angels with harps singing hymns and flying from cloud to cloud.
Then he goes to hell and ridiculous parties, endless booze and Boli GM and an army of Jenna Jameson clones ready to cater to any bizarre fantasy.
He goes back to God and says "God, heaven is nice but it's no fun there, I want to go to hell"
God sends him to hell and after a month goes to visit. He sees gates tied up to a tree being beaten continuously while being forced to smoke 5 Acid Kuba Kuba at a time.
As the Acid's fall out of Gates' mouth he yells "GOD THIS IS NOT WHAT I SAW IN HELL WHEN YOU SENT ME HERE!!!!"
God smiles and says: "What did you expect? That was just the demo version."

 

[insight]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the
bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way alongthe top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually, is quite impressed by his sensitive sideThey share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

 

[57Strat]

LMAO!!!


Gentlemen, please continue hijacking this thread...:laugh:

 

[Swissy]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[57Strat]

Wishing everyone a great Valentines Day with their significant other... :thumbs:

 

[Swissy]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

[Swissy]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

 

[Swissy]

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

 

[preembargo]

Wishing everyone a great Valentines Day with their significant other... :thumbs:

Thank you Devin, because of the generosity you, Tone-NY and the other participants in the other pass, after Sushi, Bargogirl and I will be sharing a Davidoff #1 tonight!


edited to give full and proper credit.

 

[Swissy]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

 

[Swissy]

One day a firefighter and a cop die saveing a life. They both went to heaven and at the gates they are told that they both get a pair of wings, but they were told that if they have one dirty thought then they lose their wings. Well they both were going a long really good with no dirty thoughts. Then about 3 weeks later a real good looking angel walks by and the firefighter turns his head and grin and suddenly his wing fall off, well when he bent over to pick them up the cops wings fell off.

 

[NorCalCigarLover]

Wishing everyone a great Valentines Day with their significant other... :thumbs:

Thank you Devin, because of the generosity you, Tone-NY and the other participants in the other pass, after Sushi, Bargogirl and I will be sharing a Davidoff #1 tonight!


edited to give full and proper credit.

showoff ...... all I'm getting are a bunch of Opus X :laugh: