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Viejo paso de los miembros

A fireman walks into a bar and waves the bartender down. The fireman asks for a beer and offers to tell a joke about policemen. the bartender replies in a cocky tone " look guy ...Im a retired cop, that guy shooting pool is a cop, and that guy 2 seats down from you is a cop. you still want to tell that joke?" the fireman says " No, i dont want to have to repeat it 3 times..."
 
How many paramedics does it take to screw in a light bulb?





None because the world revolves around them!
 
A fire started on some grassland near a farm, the county fire department was called to put out the fire, the fire was more than the county FD could handle some one suggested a nearby volunteer bunch be called in, despite some doubt the volunteer guys could do it the call was placed

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck they rumble straight towards the fire drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped out and frantically sprayed water in all directions soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire breaking it into two easily controlled parts.

Watching all of this the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer bunch and so grateful they saved his land he hands them a check on the spot for 1,000 dollars. A local reporter asked the fire chief what he was gonna do with the money to which the chief replied "That ought to be obvious the first thing were gonna do is fix the brakes on our fire truck"
 
A fire broke out in a six story apartment building last week in a near by town. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette escaped the flames by climbing up onto the roof. When the fire department arrived they got out a blanket held it up and the Chief called out to the brunette to jump into the blanket. The brunette jumped. As she was falling 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she landed on the street like a brick.

The firefighters then held the blanket back up and the Chief told the redhead to jump. "no Way! I seen what you did to my friend." exclaimed the redhead. "I am sorry" said the Chief. My wife was a brunette and she divorced me. I just don't like brunettes. We have no problem with redheads-jump it's your only chance" So the redhead jumped. On the way down 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she hit the pavement like a tomato!

The firefighters again held up the blanket and the Chief tolf the blonde to jump. The fire was getting worse and her only chance of survival was to jump. "No I am not jumping. I seen what you did to my two friends." "I sorry" said the Chief "I explained what happened to the brunette and well when the redhead jumped we were distracted. It will not happen again just jump!"

The blonde thought for a moment. "OK I'll jump-but first I want you to lay the blanket on the ground and back away before I jump into it."
 
Three men went hunting with their dogs, a doctor, a lawyer, and a fireman. All were bragging that their dog was trained just like themselves. The doctor shot the first duck, after which the doctors dog shaved the duck, removed the bullet, and bandaged the duck in an attempt to save it's life. The lawyer went next, and after he shot a duck, his dog notified the next of kin and divided all of the duck's assets. The fireman shot the third duck, and his dog ate all three ducks, screwed the other two dogs, and took four days off.





enough... have to get back to work! :laugh:
 
Last one for me.......


Boudreaux was stopped by a local game warden in the bayous of South Louisiana recently with two buckets full of largemouth bass when leaving Lake Verret; a spot well known for it's excellent fishing.

The Warden asked Boudreaux, "Do you have a license to catch dem fish?"

Boudreaux replied, "Mais non. Dese here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?", the Warden asked.

"Mais yeah! Every night I take dese here fish down here to da lake and let dem swim round for awhile. I whistle and dey come back and jump into da buckets and I take them back home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

Boudreaux looked at the Warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you."

"OK, I've GOT to see this!" The Warden was curious now.

Boudreaux poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes the Warden turned to Boudreaux and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" Boudreaux responded.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?" Boudreaux asked.

"The fish!" replied the Warden.

"What fish?", Boudreaux asked.
 
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
 
TEXAN: "Where are you from?"

HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, jackass?"
 
A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone with a problem.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" he asks.

"It's of a big rooster," she replies.

"All right," he says, "I'll come over and have a look."

When he arrives, she thanks him for coming over and leads him over to the kitchen table where she has it laid out.

He takes one look at what she's been struggling with and says, "Oh, for Pete's sake, put the cornflakes back in the box!"
 
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came
back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks
great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at
peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your
God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go
to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the
light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he
said,"George is just fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call
because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up
during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then
(poof!) the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"
 
A little OLD lady goes to the doctor and says, ''Doctor, I have this
problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and
are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times
since I've been here in your office.

You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next
week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink
terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's
work on your hearing."
 
Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Banana...
Banana who?

Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Banana...
Banana who?

Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Orange...
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say "banana"?!?


The preceding crappy joke was brought to you by Promethazine with Codeine.

Did I win? ???




El golpe, golpea...
¿Quién hay?
El plátano...
¿El plátano quién?

El golpe, golpea...
¿Quién hay?
El plátano...
¿El plátano quién?

El golpe, golpea...
¿Quién hay?
La naranja...
¿La naranja quién?
¿La naranja usted contento yo no dije "plátano"?!?

El preceder el chiste chungo fue traído a usted por Promethazine con Codeína.

¿Gané yo?
 
OK I have been ROTFLMAO all afternoon and I figure that maybe if I can't come up with a joke that is better than these that maybe I will just tell a true story about myself:

Boating 101----

25 years ago I found a boat motor at a garage sale for 20 bucks and managed after some tinkering to get it running. I borrowed a small row boat from a relative and asked my then young Bride if she would like to go for a boat ride, she said sure so we drove out to a local lake with our pet Cocker spaniel. It was late in the season so there were very few people around. as I got the boat off the car , the motor attached and took it down to the edge of the lake. I asked my Wife if she and the dog would like to get in. She replied that maybe I should take the boat out alone first and if everything worked then I would come back to the shore and pick up her and the dog and we all would go for a boat ride.
So I pushed out from the shore and took a pull on the engine that I had tested so often at home. Pull after pull and the thing just would not start, finally I give it a mighty pull and although it did not start running there was suddenly a loud WOOSH and back of the boat started on fire, I lost most of the hair on both my arms and part of my mustache and as I am trying to get the fire out by frantically splashing water on it my Wife is running back and forth along the shore screaming at the top of her lungs for me to jump. I don't jump, I finally got the fire out and my wife also stops yelling so I take the cover off the engine to see what the problem is and find that although the carb is leaking a little the real problem is that the spark plug wires have come off and when they sparked they started the fire, so I reattach the wires and start the engine and every thing runs great. I motor around the lake a little and finally pull up to the shore and ask my wife to get in but she says that she is no longer interested in a boat ride. I try to assure her that every thing is fine now, but it is a no-go. so I load everything up and we go home. I was sad that I missed out taking her and the dog out for a boat ride but I knew there would be another time.
I will continue the story with my second trip out with my Wife for a boat ride....
 
good jokes all around... and I'm really bored at work!

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.
The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"
 
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year."
 
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters & listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.
 
Two new firemen had been with the department for several months and had never actually been to a fire when they got a report of a large barn fire. The chief decides that this would be a good one for the new guys and tells them that he is sending them out and that it should be a fairly straightforward fire and they should have no problems.

The two firemen were gone for a good five or six hours and the chief hadn’t heard from them and was getting worried so he drives out to the site to see what the problem is. When he gets there the fire is pretty much out and the barn is a big pile of smoldering ruble but one of the firemen has the farmer bent over screwing the hell out of him while the other fireman is on the other end getting a blowjob.

The chief asks ‘what the hell are you guys doing?’

One of the firemen explains that the poor farmer was overcome with smoke.

The chief says ‘Well you were supposed to give him mouth to mouth."

The other fireman says ‘Well just how do you think all this got started?’
 
What is CP coming to? More specifically--What the heck is going on here? It is really amazing to see what a mess this thread has become with all these stupid joke posts which have nothing to do with the original subject. More disappointing is the fact that quite a few senior members have contributed to the childish banter that is polluting this thread. There has been a lot of drama lately with new members failing to conduct themselves appropriately. It's a shame and quite ironic that some of the FOGs here don't follow the established rules either. :angry:

There is a designated thread for jokes, and it can be found here: Jokes Link

Everyone who has stepped all over this thread has demonstrated a complete lack of respect for Mr. Cole and ought to apologize.

Please be considerate of forum integrity and refrain from posting any more trite jokes in this thread. Thanks.
 
But... there is a joke contest going on in this thread....
 
uh... can you say JOKE CONTEST?

read back a few pages before you jump in with that...
 
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