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Thought’s Dad Joke Thread

I can tell if someone is lying just by looking at them!
I can also tell if they are standing....

A man was being taken to the gallows for his execution. As a curtesy, the executioner asked if he had any last requests. All he wanted, was a high five...
but the executioner left him hanging...
 
I saw a man with one arm and one leg was about to be hanged.
I started shouting out letters.

What do you call a guy with one arm, one leg?
Names
 
AI Doctor.
Guy hurts his arm. It's painful so he goes to his doctor.

The receptionist says "it's all AI now, just supply a sample of your urine and put it in the machine"

The guy things "weird but o.k'., does a sample, puts it in the machine.

A minute later a message appears. 'You have a small fracture in your right ulna. Place your arm in the machine and it will be provided with a cast. Take the medication provided and come back in two weeks. Please provide a urine sample and be more careful in future'

The guy thinks that's a bit rude but complies.

Two weeks later, another urine sample. 'Your arm is healing, but you have missed two medications. Please comply to stop wasting valuable medical resources. Come back in two weeks and provide a urine sample.'

The guy is fed up with this uppity machine. So two weeks later he gets his wife to provide a urine sample. Then jacks off into it for good measure.

The message read. Your wife is pregnant. The father is your friend Rick. And stop masturbating or that arm will never get better.
 
Fuck.....I got it, finally.....and IT hurt my eyes and brain. That was the movie that made me afraid of clowns, even to this day! My sisters and brother made me watch it with them when I was like 6-7 years old.....IT was truly traumatizing!
 
I'm gonna be honest, I got it immediately without looking at the photos cause I was singing it in my head. Then wondered what the hell the pictures were for. Then laughed as I realized what the photos were. I used to be a linkin park fanboy.
 
While living in the RV, I started carrying a rock with me to throw at people that sing Christmas songs in October...
it is my jingle bell rock.....

what is the latest date that someone can get a circumcision?
I just want to know the cut off date

I've gotten more and more depressed while living in the RV....so my wife has tried buying me consoles. She started with an xbox, but that didn't help. So she tried a Playstation - no luck there either. She ended up going through everything from a Sega Master System to a Nintendo Switch, but nothing helped - turns out I was just inconsolable

yes, I am trying to avoid charting...
 
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