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Souldog sad news

I guess reality is starting to set in. So, not a mistake that I keep hoping for.....
 
jfields said:
I guess reality is starting to set in. So, not a mistake that I keep hoping for.....
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Yep, Jon's passing is weighing heavily on me - just so frustrating that it was his only solution.
 
Damn, Brent... I really appreciate your heartfelt post... This is just the hardest thing to understand. He had so many outlets and friends who loved him, because of his passions and his huge personality, that it doesn't fit together that he thought that was his only way out of whatever he was going through.
 
Matt (42) and I had a long phone conversation last night about how none of this makes sense, at all... That this doesn't seem like something that the Jon we knew and loved would do. 
 
I just don't know what to feel.
 
I just feel numb today. I spent all day yesterday crying, cursing, and denying. I just hope today is better, but I don't think it will be. It will be really hard getting into my patrol car today and not thinking of Jon.
 
I didn't know Souldog, nor am I sure I should even interject my thoughts here. 
 
It goes without saying that this a tragedy.  My heart goes out to his friends and family.  Situations like this are, and will always remain confusing and unjustifiable in our minds.  As someone who has lost a close friend this way in my twenties and my mother to the same circumstances when I was 17 I can just offer this advice.  Be mad.  Be outrageously mad.  Hate them for making those decisions because the truth is you'll never really hate them.  Understand that you will never understand.  Don't feel guilty about what you should have done...it had NOTHING to do with you and once someone has made that decision, there is nothing you could have done about it.  Most importantly, the gaping wound you feel in your heart now will someday be just a scar.  But it is that scar on the very core of you that will always make the meaningful memories more vivid, the laughter still echo, and his memory from fading because it has imprinted itself on you.
 
I offer the most heartfelt condolences to his family and friends.  You will all most certainly be in our prayers.
 
Brent, thanks for putting into words what I was too embarrassed to say, crying. I never knew Infinity, but he sure is still alive on CP. I believe Jon will be with us always. Remember Jon is speedos, too funny.
 
My heart is deeply saddened by this news. I enjoyed my interactions with him on here when I was more active.  I too wish I would have kept up with him more on here or elsewhere and I'm sad I never got to meet him.  I'm in shock that he would do such a thing when he had so many friends.  I'll raise a glass to him in the very near future.  RIP, brother.
 
that is some really sad news. Jon was one of a kind and one of my first friends at cp. he will be sadly and deeply missed. :( I am just beyond words at this point.I am heartbroken....
 
This comes as such a shock to me.  He was such a vibrant person.
 
I spent last night listening to his music he wrote, smoking his absolute favorite cigar (not Opus, which may surprise some of you....review coming soon), and reminiscing about the great times we had together. Sucked hardcore.
 
I tell you guys, I did a good amount of driving today, so I was left with my thoughts even with the radio on. I came to the realization that I am grieving over Jon more so than I did when my Mother passed away not long ago. The reason being, my Mom lived until the rip old age of 98...had all her marbles and crazy sense of humor until the evening before she died. She lived a wonderful life full of family, her kids, grand kids, great grand kids, and great friends from every place she lived. When she passed away, we didn't as much grieve as we celebrated a Life well lived. We miss her dearly on a daily basis, but my brothers and I realize just how fortunate we were to have had our Mom for as long as we did.
 
Jon on the other hand is the polar 180 of my Mom's life. While he had family, friends, and a great support network at work...he somehow slipped between the cracks of Life which makes us all feel like we could have done SOMETHING...ANYTHING...to help prevent this. He had all the makings of a great life in front of him. A sick & twisted sense of humor that most of us here share, a ball buster second to none, compassion, loyalty...all the makings of a great friend...and husband...and hopefully some day, the great traits of a wonderful Father.
 
Inside most of us we are trying to remember conversations, PMs, text messages, any type of communications between the two of us...over and over and over in our heads... in an effort to figure out if he was sending out any kind of signals that he needed help...our help. I can't help but think there was one time when he did...and it was marked by his silence after a bunch of PMs back and forth. I shoulda...I coulda...but I didn't. I just figured it was how our conversation ended...but after what I said back in my last PM, I did expect a reply...but I didn't get one. But one thing I do remember, the last thing I said to him was that I was proud of him...of the way he handled a certain situation here on CP. Rather than jump on the hammering bandwagon, he diffused a situation and stopped all the other members from doing the the same. I suggested it was because he was maturing, getting a bit older...and bit wiser...as only years under his belt could provide. That's what I'm left with....that's how I'll remember him.
 
I have lost 2 very close friends in my life to a similar situation to what just occurred with Jonathan...which I think is why I feel as heartbroken as I do. And what I said out loud, standing in front of both of their coffins, is ringing in my head when thinking of what just happened here..."We were all supposed to grow old together."
 
We take so much for granted in our lives and justify it by saying we are all too busy to pay attention to every little thing that transpires. It's a shame we don't realize that that's total bullshit until we get older....or a tragedy like this happens.
 
 
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BlindedByScience said:
 
Jonathan, I'm burning a small pinch of Christmas Cookie for you.
 
A part of me is angry.  It's a damn fool thing you've done.  You had to have known the sorrow your actions would cause many others.  As a person who's battled mental pain before I know those feelings of depression, hopelessness, and dark, dark places.  I know how powerful the mind and heart can be.  I had to seek help from many great people to get better.  I'm angry that you couldn't or wouldn't.  But mostly I'm sad.  Sad that a great guy I knew is now gone.  Sad that you were in such a painful place that you felt this was the only way out.  Sad that you didn't ask for help here on CP, a group you knew would offer support and help, as this thread is showing.  If there is a silver lining to this I hope those that read this and are battling their own demons see that while things may seem hopeless and you can't find your way out, please, PLEASE reach out.  To your family, your friends, maybe even a nice stranger.  You might be amazed how compassionate and understanding some people can be.
 
Rest in peace, Jonathan.  I hope you have found the peace you were looking for.
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Thank you for expressing my emotions (and probably the emotions of lots of others) perfectly.  First horror, then disbelief, then sadness, then anger and frustration.  I, and I suspect lots of other guys here, would have gotten on a plane today if I'd have known where he was at, what he was facing.....
 
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What these guys said. Damn.
 
Thank you Brent and Gary for putting into text what I imagine a lot of us have been feeling. I've been thinking since yesterday of the first and only time I met Jon at the Outlaw. How approachable he was, how nice he was. All the jokes we told - the marshmallow salad and the lighter Brent bought him. That's how I'll remember him.
 
Thanks everyone for sharing your stories. It helps reading this thread. I thought of Jon all day today wile laying some tile down. I can't say I knew him personally, or that we even engaged in many conversations. However, Id be lying if I said that this wasn't on my mind and putting a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. You don't have to be someone's person friend to realize they are amazing people with big hearts.
 
I recall when I first joined CigarPass and had my first Souldog experience. . .
Nashkicker had told me about this amazing community of members called CigarPass. A bunch of guys (w/ some gals) who smoked cigars, but that it was so much more than that. So, I joined, not really sure what to expect. I was all so new to "forums" in general. At first, I had no idea what to expect. I came in w/ my typical NY attitude, not giving a shit... I think I made about 2, or 3 posts before Jon quickly chewed me a new ass. :)  Rightfully so, I clearly was stepping on my on my own dick and Jon was having no part of it. We had words back and forth and it faded. After the air cooled, I began finding my way on how this community ran. Read a little more and posted less. Then it ALL started making sense. I REALLY begun to understand what this community was about....and also what Jon was so passionate about protecting by calling me out on my behavior. This place is much more than a forum, it's a 'family', and Jon was clearly protecting his own. I realize that he cared a lot about this community, as I have grown to. 
Which leads me to this...I really appreciate this community of brothers. This place has taught me a lot, and not just about cigars.  As far as I am concerned, we are all 'family'. 
I wish I had never given Jon a hard time when I first joined. I wish we had more time, and that we could have buried the hatchet in person with some good cigars, drinks, and laughs. However, I know it's never too late, and that he's probably keeping up with his brothers on CP from a much better view. So with that in mind, Id like to tell you Jon that I am sorry for the words my brother and I am really looking forward to smoking with you one day. No worries, I'll hit up Charlie and smuggle in some 'TurtleDick'.  ;)  YOU ARE MISSED BROTHER!
 
I'm sad to hear your life ended like this Jon. God speed.
 
I haven't been on much as of late and never expected to find this news tonight. While I never got to herf with Jon, we did tour Stone Brewery together. After which he bombed me to oblivion. He also gifted me the cigar I smoked for my 10th anniversary, led my first newbie war, and many other wonderful memories. I'm mostly sad that I can never visit with him again. May he rest in peace.
 
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