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**** Edicion Limitada ****

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter
evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.


He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.! "

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.

This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer.

Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.

"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered ...

"The teeth."
 
Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and the Queen Mum arrive at the Pearly gates, St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.

Freddie says, "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made
some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music, with my wondrous songs, I'll make heaven a far happier place to be"

"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"

Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I will completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherub to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place"

"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Queen Mum?"

The Queen Mum does not say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her fanny, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.

"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter

"Hold on a f’n minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"

"C'mon Fred you know the rules," says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens..."
 
A young boy walks into a whore house dragging a dead frog. He asks the man at the front desk if he can have a woman and the man says ''No, son. You have to be 18.'' The boy hands the man a one hundred dollar bill and the man tells him to go upstairs to Room 7. Then the boy asks the man if he can have a girl with active herpes. The man says ''No, I'm sorry, but all of our girls are clear.'' The boy hands him another one hundred dollar bill and the man tells him to go upstairs to Room 4. About twenty minutes later, the boy comes back and the man at the front desk asks the boy why he is dragging a dead frog and why he wanted a girl with herpes.
''Well, tonight when the baby-sitter comes over, I'll have sex with her and give her herpes. Then, when my dad takes her home, she will give it to him. Then, when my parents have sex tonight, my Mom will get it too. Then tomorrow morning when my dad goes to work my Mom will give herpes to the mailman, and he's the b*stard that ran over my frog!'''
 
A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear hunting. The first morning out, the one man named Bill, goes out on his own. He comes to a clearing on a hill overlooking a field and sees a bear slowly strolling across the field. He gets the bear in his sites and fires. He then looks all around, but he can't find the bear. All of a sudden, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around, and there's the bear. The bear knocks the gun out of his hands, and Bill stands there shaking in his boots. The bear yells at him, saying he's sick and tired of being shot at and gives Bill an ultimatum. The bear tells him, that he can either drop to his knees and **** him, or the bear will eat his face. Bill immediately drops to his knees and obliges the bear.
The bear walks away contented and Bill find his way back to the cabin. The next morning. Bill takes an even bigger gun with him, and goes to the same place he saw the bear before. And sure enough, there was the bear strolling across the field again. Bill gets all excited, as he gets the bear in his sites and he shoots! He looks all around, no bear. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder again. He turns around, and surprise, there's the bear. The bear looks at him, knocks the gun out of his hand, and says, ''You know the routine.'' Bill drops to his knees and obliges the bear again. When he's done, the bear walks away smoking a cigarette and Bill stumbles back to his cabin. The following day Bill is all pissed off now. He grabs the biggest gun he can find and heads to the same spot again. And sure enough, there is the bear strolling across the field again. He gets the bear in his sites, and says to himself, ''Now this bear's gonna f-------' get it!'' He pulls the trigger and, "KA-BOOM!" He looks all over again, but no bear. Then, just as before, he feels the same tap at his shoulder. He turns around, there's the bear standing there with a big smirk on his face. He looks down at Bill and says, ''You're not in this for the hunting are you?'''
 
ok... Sorry to interupt the comedy show... but I have to thank Vern for the absolutely stunning name plate he sent to me. It is a very nice classy piece of work. You are a very nice and generous person Vern. I know you didn't do this for any reason other than you have a good heart. But I will be sending you something to show my appreaciation!

Now I am anxiously awaiting the Pass coming from brother Wade! I have read what he did as it passed through his hands! You Sir..., are out of control!!! Simply awsome puts my friend. You set a presedent to high for me to compete with  :cool: .... but I'm still gonna play  :p

Now for something funny...


A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender " I want to buy everyone in here a drink and get one for yourself!" So the bartender pours the round and shoots a shot of whiskey looks at the big spender and says "thanks buddy... that'll be 46 bucks!" Well the man looks at him and says.. "I don't have any money" So the bartender throws him out.

Well about 2 weeks later the same guy come back and walks up to the bartender and says the same thing " I'd like to buy everyone in here a drink and get one for yourself!" Well the bartender thinks... this guy isn't dumb enough to try this twice and I'll charge him double for the last time. So he pours the round and shoots a shot of whiskey ...looks at the guy and says " That'll be 80 bucks" Well the man looks at him and says.. "I don't have any money" This infuriates the bartender, this time he kicks his ass and then throws him out.

A month goes buy and the bartender looks up and here is that same guy. This time he pulls out a wad of money slams it on the bar and says "I want to buy everyone in the bar a drink... but not you!" The bartender looks at the money... then says "ok... but why don't you want to buy me a drink?" The guy looks at him and says.. "you get to mean when you drink!"

:lookup:
 
Well, here's one that's rated PG-13

Guy walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, lemme have 5 bourbon shots and make it snappy!"

The bartended pours the guy 5 shots and lines them up on the bar.

The guy downs them, one after another in record time.

The bartender says, "Damn man, what are you celebrating!" and the man replies, "Got my first BJ tonight!"

The bartender says, "Well, in that case, the next ones on me!"

The guy says, "No thanks, if 5 bourbons won't take the taste out of my mouth, nothing will!"

:sign: :sign: :sign: :sign:
 
Aw come on Lee, PG-13?? My grammama told me that one when I was but a wee little lad

ROFLMAO
 
Well, I finally got cought up with all of these!! Beem laughing my ass off for an hour!! Devin, Great job adding another dimension to this pass!! Thanks to everyone for all the entertainment!!
 
Glad you liked it Michael.

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?"

"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"Correct," says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes."
 
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"

The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
 
Barely 20 minutes after teeing off, a woman came into the clubhouse, grimacing in pain.

"What happened?" the club pro asked.

"I got stung by a bee," she replied.

"Where?"

"Between the first and second holes."

"Hmmm." the pro murmured. "Sounds like your stance was a little too wide."
 
Barely 20 minutes after teeing off, a woman came into the clubhouse, grimacing in pain.

"What happened?" the club pro asked.

"I got stung by a bee," she replied.

"Where?"

"Between the first and second holes."

"Hmmm." the pro murmured. "Sounds like your stance was a little too wide."
 
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the dangers of drink, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the teacher while putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" he asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whisky and you won't get worms."
 
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
 
One day, when Little Johnny was about six years old, he and his father went to look at some puppies. When he came home, he ran up to his mom and informed her that there were four puppies. Three were boys and one was a girl.
His mother was impressed and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
"Well," says Little Johnny "The girl was brown colored, but all the boys were black."
"Yes, dear, but how did the color tell you if they were male or female?" asked his mother.
Exasperated, Little Johnny retorted, "The color doesn't tell you, the black ones had cocks."
 
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