Thought’s Dad Joke Thread

[Thoughts]

You guys know that Blackbeard used to drink out of human skulls? He had a favorite one, Phillip. Used it to drink orange juice and vodka to deter skurvy while getting him drunk too. He called it a Phillip’s head screwdriver….

 

[kann]

A widow was seated in the front of the church at her late husband's funeral. A man unfamiliar to her sat down at her side and said, "I knew your husband. Do you mind if I said a word?".

"Please, go ahead", she managed to get out between her tears.

The man inhaled sharply, as he was obviously grieving, too, and quietly said, "plethora".

"Thank you", she sniffled. "That means a lot."

 

[IngloriousBasterd]

A widow was seated in the front of the church at her late husband's funeral. A man unfamiliar to her sat down at her side and said, "I knew your husband. Do you mind if I said a word?".

"Please, go ahead", she managed to get out between her tears.

The man inhaled sharply, as he was obviously grieving, too, and quietly said, "plethora".

"Thank you", she sniffled. "That means a lot."

Haha. Had to read that last bit twice. So good

 

[CigarStone]

The captain of a British pirate ship is at the helm one day, looking through his monocular telescope, and sees a Spanish pirate ship bearing down on them. He orders “bring me me lucky red shirt!” His first mate asks why he wants his lucky red shirt, to which the captain explains that if he should get shot, he doesn’t want his men to see him bleed. Sure enough the captain gets shot but it’s minor wound, and his ship wins the battle.

A couple days later the captain is at the helm and spots a dozen Spanish ships bearing down on them. He immediately orders “bring me me lucky brown pants!”

 

[Nate1977]

Why did Princess Peach choke?

Mario came down the wrong tube.

 

[ChuckJr]

I ran into my ex the other day and thought how I missed her.

So I put the car in reverse and hit her for sure.

 

[CigarStone]

What do West Virginians do for halloween?

Pump kin!

 

[cohibasurfer]

 

[CigarStone]

A good woman is worth millions. But, it will probably cost you twice that to find out.

 

[kann]

 

[drunkfish3]

 

[kann]

This trip brings to mind one of my favorite dad jokes. It works best vocally, but we'll see how it goes over in print:

Q: Why does the Swedish navy paint bar codes on the side of their ships?

A: So that when the vessels return to port, they can just scandinavian.

 

[bfreebern]

What does Jeff Dahmer have in his shower?

Head and shoulders.


What do you find in Jeffrey Dahmer’s freezer?

Ben and Jerry.

 

[CigarStone]

What does Jeff Dahmer have him in his shower?

Head and shoulders.


What do you find in Jeffrey Dahmer’s freezer?

Ben and Jerry.

Jeffrey Dahmer use to cut the noses off his victims and have Dahmernose pizza

 

[Le Primauguet]

 

[drunkfish3]

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley... YOU RIDE IT!!".......

 

[cohibasurfer]

 

[kann]

 

[kann]

Four cows were enjoying their weekly poker night while passing joints and toking off the bong. As the bovines raised with each card flipped, the pot grew amidst a cloud of marijuana smoke. The steaks were never higher.

 

[cohibasurfer]

When you don't have time ...