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The "Make Me Laugh" Contest

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife, dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
 
An older man moves to a town in County Cork and settles in, after a few days he goes to the neighborhood pub to enjoy a pint or two. He enters and finds a table where he can observe the locals and orders three beers. The bartender brings the beers and goes back to the bar and tells everyone there about the man drinking three beers. After he finishes the three beers he orders three more. The bartender ask the man why he drinks three beers at a time, and the man repies that he drinks a beer for his two brothers who live in different parts of the world, one in America and one in Australia. The bartender is thrilled with the explanaion and rushes back to tell the rest of the locals.
After a while the man becomes sort of a celebrity and everyone comes to watch the man who drinks three beers at a time. People from far and wide just come to see the man remembering his kin. One day the man comes and sits at his usual table and orders two beers, everyone in the pub justs stare and wonder what happen, did one of the brothers die? Eventually the curious bartender is persuaded to ask the man about his order change. The bartender approaches the man and asks if one of his brothers had gone on to his reward, seeing as how he was only drinking two beers at once. The old man looks up and reponds " why no, both my brothers are still alive, but i've quit drinking for Lent."
 
Whats the difference between a woman in church and a woman in a bath tub?
One has Hope in her Soul.....

What's the difference between a midget cat burgler and VD?
One is a Cunning Runt....

What's the difference between a cirque du soleil and the Swedish Bikini team?
One is a series of Cunning Stunts.....
 
What is the diference between a one-night-stand and a washing machine? The washing machine does not follow you around for a week after you put your load in it.


One day little Jimmy's mother was cleaning his room and found a kinky S&M mag under his bed. After Jimmy's dad came home she showed it to him and asked what they should do about it. Dad, looking through the mag says, "Well, honey ... I don't think we should spank him".

:laugh:
 
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well , Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal , shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and says, "Shhh. They're getting closer...."
 
A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose
coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.

The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.

The fire fighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied the wagon
to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."
_________________
 
WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP
THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE
PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT
FOR ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL
REMEMBER.

MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT
FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.
AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD
MORNING,BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE
HAD REMEMBERED. I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCKAND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY
DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S
YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."
I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL
DAY.LET'S GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE
DINED
INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE.
WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY ON
THE WAY
BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL
DAY... WE
DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"
I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"
SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY
APARTMENT."
AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID,
"BOSS,IF YOU
DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT.I'LL
BE RIGHT
BACK."

"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.
SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE
CAME OUT
CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND
DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".
>>>AND I JUST SAT THERE......
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>ON THE COUCH...
>>>
>>>
>>>NAKED.






A first grade teacher, Mrs. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I am too smart for the first Grade.
My sister is in the third grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in third grade too." Mrs. Brooks had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Mrs. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Johnny: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know. The principal looks at Mrs. Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."

Mrs. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him, some questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agree.

Mrs. Brooks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of?

Johnny, after a moment "Legs."

Mrs. Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Johnny: "Pockets."

Mrs. Brooks: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?"

Johnny: "Coconut."

Mrs. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny took charge.....

Johnny: "Bubblegum."

Mrs. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman sitting down and a dog on 3 legs?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.....

Johnny: "Shake hands."

Mrs. Brooks: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' questions, okay?"

Mrs. Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."

Johnny: "Tent."

Mrs. Brooks: "A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."

The principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Johnny: "Wedding Ring."

Mrs. Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?"

Johnny; "Arrow."

Mrs. Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Johnny: "Fire-truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"




Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning.
He told Bush that 3
Brazilian solders were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, all the
color drained from Bush's face.

Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in
hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears. Finally, he composed himself and
asked Rumsfeld,

"Rummy, just exactly how many is a Brazilian?"
 
After a few power drinks she turns around and says"I screw anyone and everyone, standing up, sitting down, in bed, and on the floor, your place or mine, outside or inside, in your car in your stairway. I screw naked, or with clothes on, clean or dirty, one time or a hundred times. I've been doing this since i graduated from college and i love it."
His eyes widen open and he says " I'm a lawyer too, what firm are you with?"
 
Hint taken.

BUMMER DAY

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died.

The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump. "Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well,” the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator"
 
Ponderables

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
 
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep
hole.

"Wow...that looks deep."

"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks
down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole
and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his
face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a
railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in,
it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a
sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the
wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them,
running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air
and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?

You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy
and just jumped into this hole!

Nah, says the farmer, That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was
chained to a railroad tie.


Another:

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right"
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a liar"


And Another

Two NZ sheep farmers are flying the mob to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground.
SH1: "Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!"
SH2: "What about the sheep ?!?"
SH1: "Bugger the sheep !!!!"
SH2: (pause) "Do you think we have time?"
 
Guy tees up and swings, the ball goes wide left and into the forest, not having more then three balls he runs into the forest after it. Searching through the bush and trees he comes into a clearing and a little man dressed in green passed out on the ground. He rushes over and gives the little man mouth to mouth until he comes to. The little man says" you can have three wishes for saving me life". The golfer just says "you being in good health is good enough for me" and picks up his ball, apologizes for the incident and continues on his way.
The little man thinks to himself and is amazed at the generousity and brotherhood shown by the golfer, so he wishes the golfer all the wealth, health and sex that he can properly handle.
A few years go by and the little man see's the same golfer teeing off, when the golfer hits the ball the little man makes the ball fall near him. After a few minutes the golfer comes through the brush and spots the little man and asks about his health. "I''m doing quite nicely thank you my friend, but how about you? How's your health? says the little man. "I'm as healthy as any fifty year old that i know" says the golfer. "And how are your finances?" asks the little man. "Oh my luck with money is phenomenal, anything i touch turns to gold, things couldn't be better, thank you. "Just one more question" says the little old man. "How yor love life?" The golfer stops and thinks a bit and says " I have sex once a month whether i want to or not". The little man is incredulous and says "Once a month, that's all, how could this be? The golfer just smiles ans say" For a priest with a small congregation , i'm doing fine!"
 
Here's one for you guys... I laughed hard the first time I heard this one;

In the Woods.....

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees'!
'What powerful rivers'!
'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very Well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
 
And the winner is…Anvil! There were a lot of great entries, but the drunken wife and the cuckoo clock had me belly laughing for several minutes. Dave, I normally would just send a fiver of my choosing but since you are in Australia and I know certain cigars are much harder to come by or seriously more expensive, why don’t you PM me a good list of cigars that you would like and I will see what I can send you, though I think I have a good idea from your profile. My collection is nothing crazy and somewhat miscellaneous and random, but maybe I can accommodate. Thanks to all who put in entries.
 
WTG Mate

Great Contest!!!

Tim
 
Congrats Dave! Thanks for the contest........Even though I did not participate, I had a lot of fun reading the entries.
 
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