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The "Make Me Laugh" Contest

Husband is crouching in the kitchen with a fly swatter in hand when the wife enters the room and asks him what he's doing
I'm killing flies he answers.
Did you kill any? She asks sarcastically.
Why yes he answers, i killed five flies. Three males and two females.
How can you tell the sex of the flies? she asks.
Simple says the husband, three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.
 
Here ya go 3 quick jokes:

1. A baby seal walks into a club.............

2. A blond, a Priest, and a Cowboy walk into a bar. The bartender looks up a says "what is this, A JOKE!"

3. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
Neil Armstrong Walked on the Moon
Michael Jackson..................

























HAS SEX WITH LITTLE BOYS!


Tim

I know Iscrewed up with the edit, but I was trying to get the punchline of the last joke off the screen.
Anyway, this is a great contest, and I need the laughs this morning. Thanks for the chance that I blew, and good luck to the rest of you guys/gals
 
Two Irish ditch diggers are working in front of the local brothel when they spot the rabbi go into the establishment.
Sean turns around and says to his partner Paddy, "tis a pity to see a man of the cloth involved in such going ons.
A few minutes later the the local baptist minister go into the brothel, and Sean exclaims to Paddy that "the world is being turned upside down with these going ons"
A few minutes still later the local Catholic priest enters the establishment and Sean says "such a pity, seems as though one of the lasses has passed away"
 
Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

































Because they are ugly and they stink!

Stinki
 
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigar smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigar smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service --
 
Here is one that hits my wallet, I mean home pretty close...


One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the salesperson, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95"

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...One of Ken's Friends.
 
The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.
 
I, the Penis hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:


1. I do physical labor.

2. I work at great depths.

3. I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

5. I work in a damp environment.

6. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

7. I work in high temperatures.

8. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.



Sincerely,

P. Niss



The Response:



Dear P3nis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have

raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.

2. You fall asleep after brief work periods.

3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

4. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

8. You will retire well before you are 65.

9. You are unable to work double shifts.

10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.



Sincerely,


V. Gina
 
Little Johnny at it again

One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into
his parents room to check it out.

He opened the door to see his mom bent over the
dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a
little wink as Johnny closed the door.

After business was finished Dad went to check on
little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the
dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.

Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!'

Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when it's your mom is it?!'
 
New Dictionary word

Electile Dysfunction : the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.
 
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is , Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

"How soon can I go home?"
 
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my
tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight! ," said the other friend, "Can I take a! look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
 
How "Two Girls One Cup" started out

9564.jpg
 
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a
half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head
of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this
proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was
indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're uglier than shit!"
 
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