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I'm A Parent Contest

I've really enjoyed all the stories and photos!

Thanks for the contest!

My wife and I had just bought new carpet in a house we shared with our three kids and an old cocker spaniel, Freckles, who adopted us a week after we moved into the neighborhood.

Freckles was great with the kids and soon began sleeping inside most every night. Our sons are 17 months apart and they were about 3 and 4 years old at this time.

One Saturday morning around 5 am I woke up to one of the most god aweful sour stenches I've ever smelled. I jumped out of bed with my wife behind me; we made our way down the hall to the living room. Our two sons had gotten a gallon of buttermilk out of the refrigerator and were giving Freckles a buttermilk bath on our new carpet. I've never seen a dog with an expression of relief on his face before or since!

All we could do is laugh, find the camera, run a bath and look for a place that rented rug machines. Freckles and my two boys had a bath together.

I have another one about the time my youngest son got his penis stuck in a coke bottle, but that's for another day. He hates it when I tell that story so I usually save it for when he brings a date home for dinner :^)
 
I'll throw my hat in the ring. I never wear suntan lotion because I am 70+% Bohemian and well my olive skin just doesn't burn. Brought my son and his 3 friends to the pool and never thought about suntan lotion. 5 hours later the boys were done and my son had quite the sunburn because he takes after his pale Swedish mom. This was 2 weeks before the state baseball tournament. He had blisters all over his body, the ones in the picture were just the start. The shoulders of his jersey at state kept getting wet because they kept popping from all the movement during the games... hopefully as we go into Summer this story is both a good story and a reminder about sunscreen all the time!!
blisters
 
CBoukal said:
I'll throw my hat in the ring. I never wear suntan lotion because I am 70+% Bohemian and well my olive skin just doesn't burn. Brought my son and his 3 friends to the pool and never thought about suntan lotion. 5 hours later the boys were done and my son had quite the sunburn because he takes after his pale Swedish mom. This was 2 weeks before the state baseball tournament. He had blisters all over his body, the ones in the picture were just the start. The shoulders of his jersey at state kept getting wet because they kept popping from all the movement during the games... hopefully as we go into Summer this story is both a good story and a reminder about sunscreen all the time!!
blisters
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Oh my good God...
 
Just one of many...but this was the first & worst.

So I'm a new, first time parent, and it was a boy. MY SON! Warms the heart as an Italian male. The first time I changed his diaper was in his room, the Super Nursery we all set up for the first born. I lay him on the 'changing table', unpin his cloth diaper (had a diaper service in those days), pulled it back, turned my head to get a cloth to wipe him with, and the little bastid peed like Old Faithful right into my mouth as I'm speaking Daddy talk.

Never told him this story and he's 30yo.
 
Sorry, but I've got to Dad it up one more time. Every time I see new photos from last Friday I swell with pride inside. She often makes me want to bang my head against the wall, as teenagers are wont to do, but holy shit do I love this kid (yes, she had tears there on the stage, too)...
baby.jpg

IMG_2701.jpg
 
kann said:
Sorry, but I've got to Dad it up one more time. Every time I see new photos from last Friday I swell with pride inside. She often makes me want to bang my head against the wall, as teenagers are wont to do, but holy shit do I love this kid (yes, she had tears there on the stage, too)...
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Just so cool to see. :) As a brand new parent, it's really awesome to see this. :)
 
So I have two children. One is close to 1.5 and the other close to four. My first day solo dadding the smallest one was when she was 8 weeks old when my wife returned to work and I had a day off.

This is a poop sorry. Fair warning.

So I kiss my wife goodbye and I’m waiting to hear both girls get up. My biggest one got up first so I got her and came downstairs and started watching Sesame Street. Usually my littlest one wakes up crying and hungry but I didn’t hear her for quite some time. Checked the monitor and she was playing with her hands. Huh. Weird. Go in to check on her and there was poop on the crib, in the rails, on the sheets, on her, on her hands and face. It was everywhere....

Grabbed her and immediately took off to the bathroom, gagging the whole time, stripped her clothes and tossed her in the tub and started running the water. My three year old perked up and came to investigate, followed with a “eww, Eva nasty.” Yes, yes she was. So as I’m bathing her I am slowly pushing my 3 year old away as she wants to help with something. Finally she takes off doing god knows what but gave me time to almost finish the cleaning.

Next I hear, “my turn daddy.” I turn around and my now naked 3 year old is halfway in the tub. Too late, she’s already half way in the water, fuck. Well I can’t let go of the little one so I have to take the little one out and my 3 year old and take the little one to go find some clothes and tell the little one to sit there so I can bathe her again in clean water.

Welp, I keep telling my wife she needs to put her clothes up. Now she does. Because when I come back the 3 year old is grinning ear to ear saying “daddy I all clean now.” She had taken my wife’s dress sitting on her sink and used it to clean the poop flakes off of her.

THAT was the first 20 minutes of that day. Lol. Wouldn’t change it for the world. She would though
 
One thing no one ever really talked to my wife or I about was how difficult finding adult alone time together would be when you have a toddler. At least with our daughter she seems to have a sixth since to whenever we to play. Doesn’t seem to matter what time of day or night she has the innate ability to come in whether it be crying or just looking for attention.

Well this particular time I was about to head out the door for work when The wife calls me back into the bedroom. We close the door and decide to make a quick go of it before I take off. So here we are half way through when all of a sudden the little one opens the door, runs in, then jumps on my back...hollering “yippie!! yippie!! More pony ride daddy! Faster! Faster!!” All the while holding this neon blue hornworm leaning over me smacking my wife in the face with it. She then proceeded to drop the worm and yank on my hair like reins continue with the “YIPPIES”. I could have swore that I locked the door when I closed it but apparently not.

We both started busting up laughing and came to the conclusion we were never going to have alone time as long as she’s in the house and we need to have her stay at grandmas a lot more often.
 
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The REALLY scary part I've found about young-kid-in-the-house-sexy-time is when you swear that you locked the door, but you now just don't know exactly how long they've been standing there...
 
Napa_Smokes said:
One thing no one ever really talked to my wife or I about was how difficult finding adult alone time together would be when you have a toddler. At least with our daughter she seems to have a sixth since to whenever we to play. Doesn’t seem to matter what time of day or night she has the innate ability to come in whether it be crying or just looking for attention.

Well this particular time I was about to head out the door for work when The wife calls me back into the bedroom. We close the door and decide to make a quick go of it before I take of. So here we are half way through when all of a sudden the little one opens the door, runs in, then jumps on my back...hollering “yippie!! yippie!! More pony ride daddy! Faster! Faster!!” All the while holding this neon blue hornworm leaning over me smacking my wife in the face with it. She then proceeded to drop the worm and yank on my hair like reins continue with the “YIPPIES”. I could have swore that I locked the door when I closed it but apparently not.

We both started busting up laughing and came to the conclusion we were never going to have alone time as long as she’s in the house and we need to have her stay at grandmas a lot more often.
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Winner!
 
On Josh’s note........

One Christmas morning when our oldest daughter was about 11 or 12, my wife and I somehow managed to wake up about 5 AM for some reason and started going at it. I was on top of her and luckily we had the blankets on top of us while we were going at it pretty hot and heavy. She’s moaning, I’m grunting when all of a sudden my wife screams. I look over and Catherine is just kneeling next to the bed (about one foot away from our heads) with her elbows on the mattress and her hands cradling her head at her cheeks. She’s been sitting there watching us for who knows how long.

She just sits staring and calmly says “Well that doesn’t look very good.”
 
jfields said:
On Josh’s note........

One Christmas morning when our oldest daughter was about 11 or 12, my wife and I somehow managed to wake up about 5 AM for some reason and started going at it. I was on top of her and luckily we had the blankets on top of us while we were going at it pretty hot and heavy. She’s moaning, I’m grunting when all of a sudden my wife screams. I look over and Catherine is just kneeling next to the bed (about one foot away from our heads) with her elbows on the mattress and her hands cradling her head at her cheeks. She’s been sitting there watching us for who knows how long.

She just sits staring and calmly says “Well that doesn’t look very good.”
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My wife handled this similar situation like a pro once long ago. Our daughter was about four'ish, and although I swear I locked the door, we happened to both look over at the same time and saw her standing there. My wife instantly starts laughing like crazy while waving her arms around and yells, "Stop tickling me!". Though there's a metric shit-tonne of entendres there, the youngster bought the charade, I think. The scary part is that neither of us know exactly how long she was standing there.

Now that I think about it, that was a pretty good save on my wife's part. Makes me wonder if she's had to do that before? :/ Now that she's older, I need to ask my daughter if there were ever any strange uncles over the house that I never knew... :D
 
Great stories. I’m know I’m past the date but would like to share anyway. My son, 3.5yrs, is just learning when he needs to poop. He runs into the bathroom and a few minutes later I hear “Dad, come!” I go check out the situation and he goes “It’s big. Asia. Big like Asia.” He has been learning about continents and just described his poop as big like Asia.

I agreed and laughed my way back to my wife.
 
Being a stay at home dad, my days replicate a Calvin and Hobbs comic strip. If forgotten more stories then I can retell but one memory that isn’t poop related is when my son, again my 3.5yr old, started wanting to pick out my cigars for me. Kid is getting good at it too. He is very interested in my passion for cigars and wants to learn. I cannot wait for the day I can share a cigar with him but that’s years and years away.
 
Thank you to everyone who shared stories! I'm still picking a winner and will try to have it up soon, and hope to get a package in the mail by Saturday!

Really, can't tell you how much all of these stories made me smile and feel a lot less alone during those long and difficult nights when the little one can't seem to quiet down. I've spent more than one tired afternoon coming back to these great, touching, and hilarious parenting tales, and it definitely kept me sane.

This community is awesome. Couldn't ever ask for better.
 
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