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I have been asked to give up cigars

Infinity said:
Frank.

Firstly, I would never put my dirty washing out for all to see in an open forum. You asked for every response that you are getting. Andy is just following the theme.

Secondly, I have been married for 29 years, every single one, a damn good year. IMO and remember, you asked, this goes a lot deeper than smoking 2 cigars a week.
Work it out, only you know what is best for you. Asking for advice here is getting you free therapy from all the expert therapists.

Good luck to you.

Brian
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First.y, it's insulting to call this lil bump in the road dirty laundry. I read Gonz response as insulting, too. The theme is in his own mind. Gator asked if anyone has had a situation like that, a normal question that could be asked by any good group of guys sitting around a cigar shop. He wasn't asking for advice. He seems to have a firm grasp on his situation without our help. And he certainly wasn't asking for therapy as I read it.

Secondly we are all so happy for you.
 
Sorry if my response seems a little harsh (or alot), but I just like to call it as I see it. Some obviously don't agree with me, some do. But as others have said, if you're going to put your issues out there be prepared to get some advice which might not sit well with you. Or would you prefer we all coddle you and say that cigars are more important than your marriage?

Since day one Gator has been posting on how he's giving up drinking, or some other such vice, then a week later he posts about some great case of wine he ordered. Doesn't really add up.
 
Funny how we all interpret things differently. My meaning of "dirty laundry" is "personal information", nothing more.

My post was not meant to be derogatory and neither, IMO, did Andy mean it the way it has been interpreted. I wish Frank the best.

Now your post was perceived by me as sarcastic and insulting...go figure.

Brian

hudsonvalley said:
Infinity said:
Frank.

Firstly, I would never put my dirty washing out for all to see in an open forum. You asked for every response that you are getting. Andy is just following the theme.

Secondly, I have been married for 29 years, every single one, a damn good year. IMO and remember, you asked, this goes a lot deeper than smoking 2 cigars a week.
Work it out, only you know what is best for you. Asking for advice here is getting you free therapy from all the expert therapists.

Good luck to you.

Brian
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First.y, it's insulting to call this lil bump in the road dirty laundry. I read Gonz response as insulting, too. The theme is in his own mind. Gator asked if anyone has had a situation like that, a normal question that could be asked by any good group of guys sitting around a cigar shop. He wasn't asking for advice. He seems to have a firm grasp on his situation without our help. And he certainly wasn't asking for therapy as I read it.

Secondly we are all so happy for you.
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You can read it as you wish, as I said, that is your interpretation of my post, which is wrong. Only Frank can and will work it out.

Your posts are not about Frank, they have become a personal attack on me..again, go figure.

Brian

hudsonvalley said:
I read telling someone else to 'work it out' as condescending. He will work it out or not as he sees fit. That is a directive sentence and says more about you than Gator.
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No, they are observations. Emotionally neutral. You directed him to 'work it out', called his situation 'dirty laundry', and declared that he had asked for advice and therapy when he clearly did not. It's called the English language.

By all means continue to go figure. It could only help.
 
Now that's condescending I'm glad you are not the therapist. :laugh:

Anyway Frank, not to confuse what hudson says I am saying, my post was meant to be positive, hudson believes differently, so we will leave it at that.

Brian

hudsonvalley said:
No, they are observations. Emotionally neutral. You directed him to 'work it out', called his situation 'dirty laundry', and declared that he had asked for advice and therapy when he clearly did not. It's called the English language.

By all means continue to go figure. It could only help.
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Ok ok ok.... Good luck to ya Gator sounds like your a good man and everything will be fine. No need for this nonsense of "You were insulting him" and crap. Chill out and wish him luck.
 
I am NOT a therapist. I am currently in therapy. It is a lil unorthodox. It involves two midgets. Three would not be in moderation.

edited to add: Oh, and bfisher, Gator was insulted, not me. I am irrelevant. Just observing.
 
Gator said:
We've been married for over 17yrs, have twin 16yo daughters, a 10yo daughter, so it's not like we're newbs, or haven't learned a thing or two about marriage. At one point not too long ago, being under a tremendous amount of stress, i was having a couple drinks and a cigar, or two every evening. That bothered her because i was out of moderation, and i agree. She really has no issue w/ me smoking a time or two a week, like i said, that was more the counselor saying that because SHE hates smoking (Her husband smoked cigarettes for years). Now does my wife like the fact that i smoke a cigar or two a week, not really, she's a RN, but i don't see that becoming a issue if i am in moderation, because she knows i really enjoy them. Me staying in moderation with ALL things i do is the key. Saying it is easy, but for a person w/ a good dose of ADD and the hyper-focus that often accompanies add, it's a discipline i have to work on. The midget thing also bothers her, especially the ones i keep locked up in the basement.

That Counselor can kiss my ass.

I do appreciate all the different opinions / perspectives, looking at things from another point of view never hurts. :cool:

Oh, and i did quit Skoal this week, that's something i did on my own w/ out anyone asking me to do it, that's definitely a habit that's unhealthy. Don't miss it, didn't do it that much anyways, just some when fishing or in the tractor.
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Gator, let me be frank... :laugh:


:sign:

Yeah, ok, well, on to the other somewhat helpful stuff.

Seems to me that you two need to find another therapist/counselor, or whatever. That lady is imposing her bias thoughts about smoking against you, and to me that is just not professional. If your wife tolerates it, then the cigar problem is solved, and like numerous posts prior to this one, there are some deeper issues that only you and your wife would know, and only you two can work it out as adults. If you need a mediator, I suggest finding another counselor who can be a professional and not impose any form of personal bias against your hobbies whether it be smoking or whatever else it is you or your wife does.

Talk to the people who have been around you for a while since you were married, especially the personal friends you trust. There are signs that you might have missed because of love, but friends see it all.

disclaimer: I am not a therapist, and the majority of my relationships ended in discontentment on both sides.
 
I love this forum, but man... Its starting to get to me with all this negative bitching and moaning that has been going on as of late...

Gator came to us as a brother with something that was troubling him... Wether or not he was looking for advice, or just merely looking for an ear to vent to, the ppl on this forum should be considerate and appreciate his situation... All this asshattery as of late has really been tiresome...

I know I'm a newb and might not have earned my place on this soapbox yet but at this point I really don't care... I have nothing but love and respect for my brothers here on C.P., but I feel kind of ashamed of what this forum has portrayed itself as lately...
 
This may get a few bitching replies...but...

Please remember this...therapists are nothing more than people who went to college for a few more years than you and I and have a degree that says "you can give people adivice and charge them for it." I say that as a person with a degree in speech pathhology and a degree in social work and I have counseled people in may areas...and I did so with the knowledge i got from BOOKS, TEACHERS and the EXPERIENCES that I got in my jobs. So please remember that when you get advice from these people...they are merely tryin to tell you what they learned in school and from a few folks who sat in their office and rattled off their problems...Harsh or not...Your 2-3 cigars a week are not killing your marriage...I know how much of a family man you are Frank...and I know how much you rely on the Lord in your life...your cigar habit "I BELIEVE" is not hurting you...I just hope that your "therapist" doesn't railroad you into you thinking that and you are not taking that as the gospel.

Love you Brother

Melly
 
humboldtflyer said:
I love this forum, but man... Its starting to get to me with all this negative bitching and moaning that has been going on as of late...

Gator came to us as a brother with something that was troubling him... Wether or not he was looking for advice, or just merely looking for an ear to vent to, the ppl on this forum should be considerate and appreciate his situation... All this asshattery as of late has really been tiresome...

I know I'm a newb and might not have earned my place on this soapbox yet but at this point I really don't care... I have nothing but love and respect for my brothers here on C.P., but I feel kind of ashamed of what this forum has portrayed itself as lately...
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Wow Jadon, absolutely hit the nail on the head bro. You said something that I didn't feel I could say because I haven't earned my place either yet. It's amazing how the threads have turned into bitchfests and meltdowns lately. But then at the same time in this thread, you have 2 seperate incidents where 4 well respected members didn't see eye to eye and both situations were left alone after a few posts back and forth from each......that's what we need to learn from.
Infinity said:
my post was meant to be positive, hudson believes differently, so we will leave it at that.

Brian
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.....why can't more disagreements end like this instead of the meltdowns of late? I've learned more from Brian in the short time I've been here then anyone else, and this statement above is a prime reason. He never got nasty with his replies and neither did Hudson....they just let it go.

What's the first statement at the top of the page next to "The Original Cigar Pass"?..........."Friendly Cigar Community".......well, it sure as hell hasn't been friendly the last month.
 
Dayum, i didn't intend for all this to happen. Like i mentioned earlier, this thread was started to maybe vent a little, but ask others if they encountered similar situations. As the thread progressed, it turned into a marital advice theme (just BOTL trying to help) and yeah, i probably revealed more than i should of about my marriage / issues. I actually have bounced all around here over the last year or so on my personal demons, namely alcohol, so i have opened to door for those that feel the need to insult someone.

To sum it up, my wife and i will continue to stay married, raise these beautiful girls we have been blessed with, and i will continue to enjoy a couple cigars a week. End of the drama, sorry for causing such a ruckus.
 
Gonz said:
Sorry if my response seems a little harsh (or alot), but I just like to call it as I see it. Some obviously don't agree with me, some do. But as others have said, if you're going to put your issues out there be prepared to get some advice which might not sit well with you. Or would you prefer we all coddle you and say that cigars are more important than your marriage?

Since day one Gator has been posting on how he's giving up drinking, or some other such vice, then a week later he posts about some great case of wine he ordered. Doesn't really add up.
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You may wanna work on your reading comprehension skills, i said a page or so back that my wife really didn't have an issue w/ one or two a week, so please tell me how that means that i think cigars are more important than my marriage? Oh, and that was the therapist saying i should give them up completely, not my wife, just trying to help you out w/ your comprehension skills.

I'd like to see where others agreed to your little petty remark earlier?
 
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