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**** Edicion Limitada ****

on hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, jenny went
straight
round to visit her grandmother. when she asked how he died her gran
replied
"whilst we were having sex on sunday morning....."
horrified jenny suggested that shagging at 94 was surely asking for
trouble.
"oh no"replied her gran "we used to do it every sunday in time to the
church
bells, -----in with the dings........out with the dongs" she paused and
wiped away a tear "he would still be alive today if it werent for that
bloody ice cream van"
 
n case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
> >stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
> >
> >1. On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (I can't tell you
> HOW
> >many times I've waken up and caught myself sleep-styling!)
> >
> >2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
> >Details
> >inside." (Evidently, the shoplifter special)
> >
> >3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that
> >would be... HOW?)
> >
> >4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." (But
> >it's
> >JUST a suggestion)
> >
> >5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn
> >upside down." (Whoops, too late...)
> >
> >6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
> >heating." (As night follows day...)
> >
> >7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But
> >wouldn't this save even MORE time?)
> >
> >8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
> >machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the
> >rate of industrial accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
> >head-colds off those forklifts...)
> >
> >9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (HELLO...?)
> >
> >10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use
> >only." (As opposed to what?)
> >
> >11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I
> >gotta' admit, I'm curious...)
> >
> >12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts."
> >(*** NEWS FLASH ***)
> >
> >13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet,
> eat
> >nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)
> >
> >14. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not
> enable
> >you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)
> >
> >15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your
> hands."
> >(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?)
> >
> >16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: "Do not use on food."
> (Hey
> >Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK, honey, just grab the Palmolive!)
> >
> >17. On an automobile cardboard windshield sun visor: "Remove visor before
> >driving vehicle." (You mean you can't see with the visor in the
> windshield?
> >What's your problem?)
 
A monster has been created..... :0  :0  :0

Great jokes! I see, I will have my work cut out for me picking the top three. ???

Anyway, as to the second and third place prizes.

2. SLR Prominente/DC  (Band)

3. BTL
 
:D

The Fable of the Bunny and The Snake

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. A surprising
coincidence was that both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake
about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't
mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours.I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe
I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake,"Maybe I
could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a
politician, an attorney, or possibly someone in upper management."
 
Dave leaves work early one day and, without calling his wife first, goes straight home. When he walks into the bedroom he finds another man there with no clothes on.

"Who are you?" the Dave asks.

"I'm the termite exterminator," the fellow says calmly. "You have an infestation here, and I'm trying to get rid of it."

"Naked?" the Dave asks.

The "exterminator" looks himself up and down and his eyes widen.

"Damn!" he says. "The problem is worse than I thought!"
 
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
 
And now a Blues joke for my Brudder Devin,

Years ago, down on Beale Street in Memphis, there was this young woman named Courtney. Now, Courtney had been around, as they say, she'd made the scene, and she was getting pretty cynical about relationships. So it was much to her surprise that one day, she met someone and fell absolutely head-over-heals in love with him. And Courtney fell in love with none other than blues legend B.B. King. Well, time went on, and Courtney and B.B. were just so in love with each other that one day, Courtney decided she would prove to B.B. just how much she loved him. So she went out and got B.B. King's initials tattooed on her bottom as a symbol of her love. That night, after one of his gigs, they went out and had a very romantic date; they had a wonderful meal, took a ride in a horse carriage, and then Courtney took B.B to this really nice hotel. They were in their room kissing and hugging, and things started to get kind of hot. Suddenly Courtney pulled back a little and whispered into his ear, "B.B. honey, I got a surprise for you." She did this really erotic striptease, and B.B. was sitting on the end of the bed getting all excited. Finally, Courtney took off her last stitch of clothing, bent over, and kissed B.B. King passionately. Then she said "Now for your surprise." She turned around and bent over to show B.B. King that she'd had his initals tattooed on her bottom. B.B. took one look and said, "Who the hell's Bob?"
 
Mary received a parrot as a gift . The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive:those that weren't expletives were to say the least, rude. Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite Words and playing soft music...anything she could think of.
Nothing worked.
She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and The bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace. For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet.
Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said "I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again".
Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
 
Devin was hired to play his '57 Strat on the score of a movie, and he was excited. He was especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos. After the sessions, which went great, Devin couldn’t wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that would be out in a month, and he told Devin where he could go to see it.

A month later, Devin, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theatre where the picture was playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seemed to be disguised and hiding. The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever...group sex, S&M, golden showers...and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action. Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women, in every orifice; and most of the men. Embarrassed, Devin turned to the old couple and whispered, “I’m only here for the music.”
The woman turned to Devin and whispered back, “That’s okay, we’re just here to see our dog.”
 
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home and the editor of the newspaper, ”The Distorter”, told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
”HE SAID, WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!”, said the other.
“Now get a little closer together”, said the cameraman.
Again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE”
So they wiggled up close to each other.
“Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus a little”, said the photographer.
Yet again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS!”
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, “OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?
 
This is entertainment.  :D  ROTFLMAO!!!

I have been in contact with Brother Wade, and because of previous engagements, the pass will be shipped out on Saturday. He has been kind enough to label all of the cigars for the future pass members.

Side note, the coffin in the pass belongs to the Partagas Don Ramon 150.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled programing...... :)
 
There was a middle aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and he enjoyed the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought and floored it some more. He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him.
The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said looking at his watch, "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day."
 
Now for a cigar related one:

A guy travelling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that,and I'll smash your face in!"
 
Mr. cut and paste strikes again..LMAO

Little Johnny told his teacher he’d found a cat. She asked if it was dead or alive.
“Dead,” she was informed.
“How do you know?”, she asked.
“Because I pissed in his ear and he didn’t move,” said the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?!?”, cried the teacher in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘pssssst’ in his ear and he didn’t move”
 
And one more cigar related for today:

Ole and Sven were golfing when Sven pulled out a cigar; he didn’t have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light.
“Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,” he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.
”Yiminy Cricket!” exclaimed Sven, “Vhere did yew get dat monster??"
”Vell,” replied Ole, “I got it from my Genie.”
”You haff a genie?” Sven asked.
”Ya, shure, he’s right here in my bag,” said Ole.
”Could I see him?”
Ole opens the side pocket of his golf bag and out pops the genie.
Sven says, “Hey dere! I’m a good friend of your master.; Vill you grant me vun vish?”
”Yes I will”, the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks. The geniehops back into the bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. Sven yells to Ole, “I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!”
Ole answers, “Ya, Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?”
 
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? There was a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
 
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