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Contest ~ Enjoy!

During my summers in high school, I worked as an apprentice at a motorcycle shop. My first summer, I spent most of my time learning the in's and out's, but I spent most of my time dabbling in the art of moped tune up's. As the summers progressed, I had the opportunity to get involved in more and more interesting repairs. By my third summer, I was give my fist major solo job: replacing the cam chain and transmission work on a Kawasaki GPZ 550. My supervisor (named Kevin) put me up to the task. I admire the guy greatly still to this day. He was a 40 some odd year old cigar chompin bike wiz that could fix anything. He challenged that the job could be completed in a day, and offered to assist if I found myself stuck in a quagmire. After 3 days, I was nearing completion, however I couldn't get the cam chain tensioner seated even closely (after fidgiting for over 5 hours). With my tail between my legs, I tugged on Kevin's coat tails and admitted I was at a loss. After a few minutes of fidigiting, he found the mechanism was previously butchered to prolong the necessity for repair. When he figured this out, he put the mechanism back together properly and popped it in. All that was left was to check the timing and see if she fire up. Well, she turned over alright, but refused to start. I had fuel, air, and a spark. She turned over again and again, but refused to start. By day 4, I couldn't figure this out, so I decided to throw in the towel and seek some help.

Kevin: "The fuel good?"

Me: "Yeah, changed it twice"

Kevin: "You got a spark? O2?"

Me: "yeah...I checked everything"

Kevin struts on over to the bike, cigar in mouth, shaking his head. He looks in the fuel tank, swishes it around a bit. Taps the starter for a good minute...no go. He removed a spark plug, turns er over....spark's good. He continues to fumble around for 5 minutes, repeatedly thumbing the ignition without luck. Finally, he removed the air cleaners from the carberators, tries to look through the air intake manifold of the carbs while thumbing the ignition and.......BOOOM!!!!!!

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His face was charcoal black, parts of his his goatee was on fire, and his cigar was magled to bits as if it were blown up in a cartoon.

Kevin (in a cool laid back voice): "I think you put the cams in backwards...mate"

So I did.

(with the cams in backwards, the fuel air mix was blown out the back of the carbs into the air filter,and with that removed, Kevin's face)
 
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars and then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires.
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!


(Stay with me.)



Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.




Thanks for the contest !!

Is it real ??!!??!!??

Second time I've read this, but I still think I sh*# myself from laughter. I know the level of authenticity of this story, but I'll refrain from posting it ;) This is probably a winner!
 
Fake or Real?

For Anthony:
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For my brother from another mother:
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For my fellow anglophile:
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To Infinity and beyond...
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She blinded me with science:
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Did I win?
 
Since I've only been smoking cigars for about 8 months, I really don't have any funny stories that can compete with some of the ones already posted. However, my paternal grandfather was quite a smoker, and I do have a cigar-related story involving the two of us.

First, a little bit of backstory. My family is one of those peculiarly crude and crass families that just about everybody seems to know an example of. It came from my father's side of the family--my mother and her family were all refined, well-mannered, dignified sorts (which may on some level explain her attraction to my father...) Fart jokes, liberal swearing, pretend rudeness for the sake of humor, etc., were all forms of currency and means of communicating our affection for one another. It was always shocking to first time visitors (only other kids--we appeared to be normal when other adults were around) when I would lob an F bomb at my mom, or for her to answer a simple question of mine with 'up yours' or 'shove it up your ass'.

I'm sure many of you know (or maybe even are a part of) a tribe of this brand of juvenile pottymouths. We love each other, and it was a fine and nurturing household otherwise, just one with a bit of a swearing problem. Every member of my family thought that The Aristocrats was tame and disappointing.

You get the picture.

Anyway, my grandfather the smoker was up visiting us for a spell when I was about seven or so. My mom was having some health problems, so my dad's parents came up just to help around the house. Neither of my parents smoked during my lifetime (dad smoked cigarettes until he found out mom was incubating me) so it was still a very mysterious and intriguing idea for a child for whom little else was taboo.

My grandfather was outside doing some yard work one afternoon, and I went outside to see what he was up to, help, and generally just get underfoot. He was smoking a cigar (a Dutch Masters--he wasn't one for really fancy cigars, at least to my limited knowledge) and raking the leaves. I was fascinated by the cigar, and I asked him if I could have one too. He asked me if I could touch my asshole with my dick, and when I replied that I couldn't, he explained to me that I was too young and that cigars were for men, not boys.

A day or two later, and he was outside doing more yard work, this time smoking a pipe (Borkum Riff, according to the pouch left in his tin/pipe caddy which I now have) and I was equally mesmerized. Of course, I asked him if I could smoke his pipe too, and he gave me the same crude response about the length of my penis.

Later that afternoon, I went inside before him and was sitting on the couch with a sleeve of Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies, snacking away. My grandfather came inside and asked me for a few cookies, so I asked him if his dick could touch his asshole. He said yes, of course, I'm a grown man, etc., to which I replied "THEN WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF--THESE ARE MY GODDAMN COOKIES!!!"

*****

Here are a couple pictures of his pipe caddy.

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LOL Sam...no you didn't win but the au natural certainly won my heart and I'm sure a few others here.

Brian
 
A few months ago, I was getting ready for a night of cigar smoking at my local cigar shop. As part of the preparations, I fully charged my Xikar triple flame lighter for an evening of heavy use. Later that evening, I kept trying to use the lighter, but for unknown reason, the darn thing would not work. I gave up on the lighter and placed it on the table. In several chairs around said table were my smoke buddies and myself. After a short while, one of them grabbed the lighter and fruitlessly attempted to start it. A few tries later, he decided it needed some fuel. I tried to explain that I had already done that but he decided that he knew better. He returned minutes later with the lighter fully charged and handed it to me. As I grab the lighter, I hear a hissing sound that I had never heard before. I did not know it at the time, but this hissing sound was the gas leaking out of the lighter and onto my hand. After unsuccessfully indentifying the source of the hiss, I decide to depress the starter button. Instantly, the lighter and my hand ignite into a large ball of flames. The fear from the explosion caused me to me instinctively chuck the fully engulfed lighter out of my hand like a missile. The only problem with this was that I fired this missile into the crotch area of the buddy seated to my right. He jumped up, knocking the table and all its contents over. In the end, I had to replace all the drinks that were on the table and earned the name “Fire starter”. Luckily, the owner of the shop gave me a pass on the broken ashtray. Oh yea, a few free cigars and drinks later, my buddy forgave me for nearly lighting his balls on fire.

Thanks for the contest.
 
Some great stories so far!! Thanks to everyone who has entered!!

Jim
 
Let me just add this... I have proof of my story being either true or false...

Hope this helps..

PS: I want that AF13

BTW great contest..
 
Just a short one, in the spirit of sharing embarrassing stories.

A mate and I were enjoying a couple of Partagas D4s in an old smoking haunt called Fumo Blu. It is an underground joint with very dim blue lighting and jazz music. Great for atmosphere, but not so good after a couple of Mojitos. A rather attractive woman dressed in a tight white dress asks my friend what he is smoking, and promptly sits down next to him uninvited and rather close. She was clearly looking for some attention ;). He starts to lap it up, acting as swave as he could and grinning aplenty, as I sat back and tried to suppress my amusement at his greasy tactics. He put the half smoked D4 down on the ash tray and swings his arm behind her on the booth chair. They grease each other up verbally, and he totally forgets about his cigar. Having almost finished mine, I ask half jokingly if he still wanted his cigar. He grunted yes offhandedly and reached for it clumsily, eyes never straying from the scantily dressed womans... *cough* face.
Her smile shattered as he spat ash all over it.
Yes, he was so involved in his conquest, he had placed the cold ash foot in his mouth instead of the neatly cut head. Her white dress was flecked with grey ash, and he was pawing his tongue with his hand trying to scrape all the gunk off it. In the movies, she would have tipped his drink on him or something, but she just spewed out a long streak of profanities and went to the bathroom to try and clean the wet ash of her expensive dress.
My girlfriend was in the restaurant upstairs which shared the same bathrooms as the smoking room downstairs. She reported walking in on a topless woman frantically scrubbing at her already soaking dress. She said she was so intent on her task at hand that she didn't notice the sideshow of bewildered stares from passing bathroom traffic.
My bet is that she was as drunk as my idiot mate, who was still coughing and spluttering with a look on his face that would have been rivaled by a man eating lemons and crapping out razorblades simultaneously.
I enjoyed my night thoroughly though, as I had some live entertainment to go with my cigar.
 
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