Contest ~ Enjoy!

[stepthirteen]

All right so thanks to #1 we are going to have a contest for a 5er of Opus X perfecxion #5. The rules are not negotiable and only I can determine any deviation. Eligible individuals are any members of the board who has at least 50 posts and has at least five posts a month. Seems a bit harsh, but I only want those who participate here to qualify. The winner will be determined by 5 BOTLs I respect and admire. They are-

Infinity
Ginseng
Blinded By Science
Jfields
Tone-ny

They will each have a vote and there votes will determine who gets the 5er. Here goes-

*I would like you to write a detailed description of your most humorous cigar story. It does not have to be specifically about you, but it does have to be funny as hell and should make everyone who reads it laugh their ars off. It needs to be at least 100 words, but not more than 500. Again it has to be hilarious, not just comical, I want to cry with laughter. You have until Sunday July 20th at midnight to enter. At that time no more entries will be considered. The BOTLs above will then have 48 hours to review all of the stories and vote. No edits and all votes are final. So come on lets laugh our f$#% a#$ off. Oh and to make this worthy for some of the members who think a 5er of #5s is not enough lets put a spin on it.

*All of the story entries may be real or made up. If you can fool the judges into thinking the story is real when it is not, then you win a bonus AF 13. If the judges call bullsh#$ but it is for real, then you've fooled the judges and again, you win the AF 13. In other words, best story wins but if you can fool the judges either way, you get the bonus. You must fool 3 of 5 judges to get the bonus. Start writting!

*Edit: If you are not one of the judges PLEASE DO NOT post a guess related to the story being fake or real . Thank you!!


Thanks!

Jim

 

[grateful1]

So, the one about her in front of me, while I was standing in the kitchen, smoking a cigar, watching golf and drinking....that one's out?

 

[stepthirteen]

So, the one about her in front of me, while I was standing in the kitchen, smoking a cigar, watching golf and drinking....that one's out?

You can just write that up and PM it to me .

Jim

 

[bully1875]

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars and then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires.
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!


(Stay with me.)



Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.




Thanks for the contest !!

Is it real ??!!??!!??

 

[amateuraficionado]

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars and then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires.
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!


(Stay with me.)



Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.




Thanks for the contest !!

Is it real ??!!??!!??

I don't know, but you won!

 

[bfreebern]

Here is my story, happened to me about 4 yrs ago:

Giving the boss a cigar

 

[Shibumi]

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars and then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires.
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!


(Stay with me.)



Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.




Thanks for the contest !!

Is it real ??!!??!!??

Not real. :thumbs: Did I win?!?

 

[Rebel Herfer]

So, the one about her in front of me, while I was standing in the kitchen, smoking a cigar, watching golf and drinking....that one's out?

Only if her name is Dolly, or she was an inflatable! :laugh: :0

 

[Seanholio]

While standing at my favorite smoking-and-girl-watching spot, I get to observe the actions of some fairly pretentious and stupid individuals as they exit the overpriced smoke shop at that location. So I see this trio of suit-wearing monkeys enter the shop. The first walks straight past the AF's, Cohibas, Ashtons, San Cristobals, Oliva Serie V's, and RP's, back to the $10/stick Macanudo Portofino tubos. He opens the glass cabinet and says, "Guys, get these. The tubed ones are the premiums!"

Tool #2 decides to join him, also getting a Macanudo, but he wants the Gold Label. The two of them go on and on about it, and the third guy, being a true expert, picks out a Rocky Patel Old World Reserve. The attendant checks them out, clips the heads for them, and sends them outside. The leader, Mr. Macanudo-inna-tube, opens his tube, sniffs his cigar, as though he is enjoying the bouquet of a fine wine, and lights up. No char, no pre-light, just holding the shop triple-torch to the end of the cigar. Tool #2, the Macanudo follower, lights his.

Finally, #3, the RP OWR guy, starts lighting up, following their example. He's surprised by the vigorous flame that takes hold on the foot of his cigar and doesn't seem to be going out, but he smokes it anyway, taking deep puffs and commenting on the superior flavor. He's really enjoying this smoke, although the foot is fully on fire.

Finally, one of the shop employees walks out, taps him on the shoulder, and says, "Yeah, there's a wrapper here along the bottom you needed to remove." and proceed to unwrap the paper wrapper that comes on the foot of these cigars. My buddy and I were barely able to contain our mirth. Eventually all three stubbed out half way through their cigars and walked off.

 

[JLAudio]

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars and then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires.
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!


(Stay with me.)



Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.




Thanks for the contest !!

Is it real ??!!??!!??

I honestly don't know if it's real....but good job! Great contest!

 

[jlada]

...... might as well share what happened to me two winters ago. Let me foreword this by saying I've never been quite so embarassed in my life.


Okay. So I live in Indiana and during the winter months we tend to get some pretty heavy snowfall. Thus, it becomes a necessity to shovel or snow blow oneself out. A couple winters ago, we got a substantial snowfall one night. As I work third shift and drive a Camaro, I had to have a neighbor, who conveniently works with me, drive me home in the morning. I live in a small rural community where pretty much everyone knows everyone -- my whole town is 28,000. Anyway, we got about a foot of snow, so I decided to run in the house, change into my snow pants and boots, and snow blow out the driveway and whatnot. My neighbor decided to do the same.

Anyway, I get the snowblower out of the shed, and fill it up with gasoline. In the process, I spilled some on my boots/on the garage floor. I said a few profanities and went on my merry way. About a half hour of the way in, I thought, "Gee... it's really not that windy, this would be a great time for a cigar." I ran in the house and grabbed a Padron 2k and my Blazer PB-207. I went back outside, and decided to light up the Padron and finish the driveway. Well, I'm a huge fan of the Blazer's lock feature that allows you to keep the lighter aflame without holding down the lever. So, I start lighting up the Padron, but the Blazer falls out of my gloved hands.... conveniently landing at my feet which had been recently doused in gasoline.

To save you in the intricate details, I completely flipped the hell out. I'm talking Tom Cruise on the Oprah Winfrey show freak out. My neighbor begins running over from her house to help. Both of my boots were completely on fire and to top it all off, my snow pants were nylon on the outside. For those of you that aren't privy to this fact: Nylon melts like a trash bag and gives off obnoxious fumes and smoke. Like any sane individual, I decide shoving my boots into the snow might extinguish the flames. Wrong. So, I decide I'm going to rip off my pants and boots as quickly as possible. Like a 16 year old boy about to lose his virginity, I de-pants'ed myself, draping them over the flaming boots, and then quickly ripped them off, boots and all. It took me a few seconds to come to terms with what had happened, as my pants and boots sat there burning.

I then quickly came to terms with the fact that I was outside in my boxers and it was about 10 degrees outside.

I then quickly came to terms with the fact that I was outside in my boxers, it was 10 degrees outside, and I was standing next to my attractive female co-worker that, at the time, I "kinda had a thing for".

I then realized that the keys to get in my house were in the pocket of the burning snow pants, and I could not quickly run in the house to save myself further embarassment. I had to stand there in my boxers waiting for the pile to burn itself out so I could get my keys.


I'll go ahead and save you the noggin' time - do you REALLY think I could make this up?

 

[jlada]

Oh, and since there are no edits allowed - I thought I would add that I was okay. Very minor burns/irritation to my lower legs. Moreso on the right. The thick fleece lining really prevented what could have been a major disaster.

Thus, it was just a hilarious story to share since no one got hurt.

 

[stepthirteen]

Just wanted to let all of the people know that only the judges are suppose to guess whether it is real or fake. You are hurting the entries by giving your take on whether it is real of fake. So please don't spoil the contest. I know I should have stated that in the original post. I will edit the post. Thanks everyone for your patience.

Jim

 

[Infinity]

Just wanted to let all of the people know that only the judges are suppose to guess whether it is real or fake. You are hurting the entries by giving your take on whether it is real of fake. So please don't spoil the contest. I know I should have stated that in the original post. I will edit the post. Thanks everyone for your patience.

Jim

Well said. That lawyer story had me going, JLAudio sure put a damper on that one.

Brian

 

[NullSmurf]

Humorous anecdote? One of the best lures for me to enjoy a good smoke at Casa Fuente is to watch the faces of the tree huggers coming down the escalator. The smell of cigars usually comes to them well before the sight. The good part is when they begin casting about, still descending the escalator, looking for the asshole that is producing the odor. The fun part comes when we lock eyes, me smiling and occasionally waving. Most smile back insincerely and quickly turn away. A few GLARE disapprovingly while I pull a HOOVER on my cigar to produce more of a cloud, smiling and waving. It just don't get any better than this!

 

[JLAudio]

Just wanted to let all of the people know that only the judges are suppose to guess whether it is real or fake. You are hurting the entries by giving your take on whether it is real of fake. So please don't spoil the contest. I know I should have stated that in the original post. I will edit the post. Thanks everyone for your patience.

Jim

Well said. That lawyer story had me going, JLAudio sure put a damper on that one.

Brian

That's me...i'm a party pooper. :sign:

 

[Ginseng]

I then quickly came to terms with the fact that I was outside in my boxers, it was 10 degrees outside, and I was standing next to my attractive female co-worker that, at the time, I "kinda had a thing for".

Look on the bright side. Cold weather shrinkage probably meant that your secret crush would remain secret for just a bit longer.

Wilkey

 

[sinnyc]

Humorous anecdote? One of the best lures for me to enjoy a good smoke at Casa Fuente is to watch the faces of the tree huggers coming down the escalator. The smell of cigars usually comes to them well before the sight. The good part is when they begin casting about, still descending the escalator, looking for the asshole that is producing the odor. The fun part comes when we lock eyes, me smiling and occasionally waving. Most smile back insincerely and quickly turn away. A few GLARE disapprovingly while I pull a HOOVER on my cigar to produce more of a cloud, smiling and waving. It just don't get any better than this!

I agree - that was just hilarious, Bruce. Occasionally, one of the folks would look so disgusted and enraged you'd have thought I'd kicked their dog. If I caught their eye I'd give 'em a big ole smile and a wink. They'd react as if I'd actually slapped them instead. Too damn funny. I could have sat there for hours...

And I did :laugh:

 

[bpj87]

Humorous anecdote? One of the best lures for me to enjoy a good smoke at Casa Fuente is to watch the faces of the tree huggers coming down the escalator. The smell of cigars usually comes to them well before the sight. The good part is when they begin casting about, still descending the escalator, looking for the asshole that is producing the odor. The fun part comes when we lock eyes, me smiling and occasionally waving. Most smile back insincerely and quickly turn away. A few GLARE disapprovingly while I pull a HOOVER on my cigar to produce more of a cloud, smiling and waving. It just don't get any better than this!

I agree - that was just hilarious, Bruce. Occasionally, one of the folks would look so disgusted and enraged you'd have thought I'd kicked their dog. If I caught their eye I'd give 'em a big ole smile and a wink. They'd react as if I'd actually slapped them instead. Too damn funny. I could have sat there for hours...

And I did :laugh:

This makes me really want to go to Casa Fuente ASAP.

 

[Breedy]

Well this all transpired about 3 months ago. I friend of mine was having a baby and to celebrate I got us some Padron 1964's. He has smoke cigars occasionally, buying the JR Herf in a box or similar item and vacuum sealing them, even after I offered up some "tupper" and some extra beads. He was going on and on about how they were the best smokes ever, I was happy he enjoyed one of his final nights of freedom so much. He said that he was tired of me always being the one with "fancy beer" and premium cigars and promised that one day I would indeed, get mine. I assure him that it was not big deal and it was something that I enjoyed sharing with friends, and as he and his wife were both good friends, my wife tends to look past the fact that I too smoked a 10$ + cigar.

About my wife, she is not a smoker, nor does she really enjoy the fact that I do. She doesn't get CP or the idea of passes and bombs and such, but will occasionally stop off and buy me a couple at the local B&M if she's feeling nice. To that point she once in a while will ask me what I like and want to see the humi :0 , just to see what’s in there. So one day we get to talking about flavoured cigars and my distaste for anything dipped in sugar or infused. She responds back that she almost picked up a Kamasutra by CAO because it looked pretty. I then explained to her that although it is indeed the thought that counts, she had done well in reasoning that I would not enjoy that particular vitola.

Fast forward a few weeks, the new baby has arrived and the proud father is handing out AF "it's a boy"s. They had some people over and he says that he talked to his wife and decided that I was such a good friend that they would stretch their budget and buy me a really nice cigar. I tried to explain that it wasn't necessary, but they wouldn't take no for an answer, so reluctantly I gave in and said if they insisted that they should go to one specific B&M as prices were better and owner would not steer them wrong .

So a few nights later the wife and I stop by for a little cook out and to see the new baby, my daughter loves babies and in truth would not stop asking about baby Hanna. So we enjoy a nice dinner of hamburgers on the grill and assorted cookout sides. My friend and I plop into some chairs on the deck as the women folk tended to the children. He then produces two Kuba Deluxe Tubos (6 x 50) and explains this is in fact my “nice cigar”. Again going back to the whole, it’s the thought that counts philosophy, I stated truthfully that I had never had one before and was interested in the experience. But he went on and on about how the owner at the B&M said these were great and the younger crowd loved them. I asked if he went to the place I referred him, he said no, a guy he works with at the county also has a part time gig at a B&M and he promised to hook him up. So we start in on them and I am really trying to enjoy, making lots of small talk and the like, then all hell breaks loose.

My wife having had her fair share of Sangria was feeling nice and sat on my lap. She said the cigar smelled very fragrant and look at the tube and blurted out, “that’s not one of those faggy flavoured cigars that you always bitch at me for looking at is it.” Gulp, what to say, umm…..Ha Ha, honey… She continues on about how all I ever do is complain about flavoured cigars displacing quality smokes at B&Ms, and how I compared them to cheap foreign labor. By this point I am mortified, sure the cigar ain’t the best but my buddy put some thought into this. I try to explain, stammering that it is in fact the Moontrances of the world that I despise. My friends wife starts to cry and says she thought I was a really nice person and that Cory had really tried to do something special for me and I was the worlds biggest Asshat. Feeling like the worlds biggest Asshat a stare at my wife with mouth a gape, and she’s just laughing her ass off.

WTF, I look around and now Cory and his wife are both laughing. WTF is goin on. My friend then says “you don’t like it do you?” I am still too confused to talk; as he throws he’s out into the yard and walks inside. Everyone is still pretty jovial except me, I am mortified/dazed. He then returns with two Pardon 1926 40th’s and says I would probably enjoy one of those a little more.

Well I guess they were right, I got mine in the end and damn my wife for being in on it.