• Hi Guest - Come check out all of the new CP Merch Shop! Now you can support CigarPass buy purchasing hats, apparel, and more...
    Click here to visit! here...

You Learn Something New Every Year Pass aka...This space reserved...

Sorry Tony, I should have made the Kansas City portion more clear, I am a putz. For anyone else if you were invited and aren't sure if you are in send me a PM.
 
Ok I have gotten a few PMs from folks that want to play in the pass. I don't want to expand the list out much more because it is already going to be on the road a long time but like last year I want to open up a spot. If you aren't on the list and want to play shoot me a PM (assuming you are well established or we have had some sort of interaction). To keep it all fair, before this thing ships out in a couple of weeks I will have the kid pick a name out of a hat or something.
 
Gonz said:
mmburtch said:
Well if there really was a contest, and the name counts as the end of of the contest, them my gusee of 76 was inadvertantly inversed by the computer and really should read 67.

If you're not willing to believe that, then Napa is 2 under and Grateful is 2 over. In the abscence of rules, I say we make them fight to the death.
Click to expand...

It appears as if I was mistaken, and I guess this really ought to go to Napa. When in doubt, I always refer back to Bob Barker precedents, and as he always said, whoever is closest without going over. Sorry if anyone is upset or offended at my not taking the time to get my lawyer to write up official rules, but in the spirit of spontaneity I threw this one out there.

Napa, I've got your address somewhere probably, but you'd better pm it to me again just in case.
Click to expand...


DICK!
















Did I win the 'official' contest?
 
Why dont the girls in san francisco wear mini skirts? Cuz their balls would hang out! :D
 
Gonz said:
Warning, somewhat offensive joke below, don't read if you're a wuss.




What do Michael Jackson and the Tortoise have in common?







They both want to get there before the Hare.



gtadroptop said:
You can't buy entertainment like this.

72
Click to expand...

It looks like we have a winner here. PM me your address and I'll get something out to you.
Click to expand...

Self serving martyrdom whining to follow.

Damn. That would have been my first contest win. And I don't even get to be in the pass. :(
 
A guy has mind blowing sex with his new girlfriend.

Afterword, he lies there having his member stroked for about an hour. Something she just loves to do.

Enjoying it, he turned to her and asked, "Why do you love doing that so much?"

She replied softly, "Because I really miss mine!"
 
Moms in group therapy


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.''
 
My joke submission:

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Mmmmph...*gag*...agghh....*glug*....urfff...



Thanks for the contest ;)
 
przewalskis-horse.jpg



Hey Mr. Horse, why the long face?
 
Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked "What might ye be sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You're doin' well .. only two left!"

Englishmen - God bless them - should never mess with the Irish.
 
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having.

All these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, Stare at myself and repeat,
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? '

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate lov e to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.

'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife ' .
'She's not my wife '

His funeral service will be held on Saturday
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brian
 
What do ducks have as a snack?


Cheese and Quackers.

and another one, read this at your own risk, I've warned you and guarantee you will be offended. It's an awful joke, and probably not something even to joke about, but hey, you've been warned!





So this older guy and a young kid are walking into the woods and the kid says, "Mister, I'm scared". The guy looks at the kid and says, "How do you think I feel, I gotta walk outta here alone!".
 
You know you're getting old when your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love." and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
 
The teacher spoke to the class, "Today children, I would like you to use the word 'beautiful' in a sentence." Little Johnny threw his hands up in excitement.

"Teresa, go ahead."

"I was in the garden with my mother, and I picked a beautiful yellow flower."

"Very good, Teresa. Ok, someone else." Johnny was about to burst with excitement, his hands bobbed...

"Steven, go ahead."

"I watched a thunderstorm last night with my dad and saw giant lightening bolts that were beautiful."

"Ok Steven, not bad. Alright, you can go, Johnny, but you must use the word 'beautiful' in a sentence. Can you do that?"

"Yeah, yeah. Last night... I was sitting at the dinner table with my mom, my dad and my sister. My sister said she had something important to tell my mom and dad, then she told them she was pregnant..."

"The sentence Johnny, the sentence please..."

"Right, well, my dad turned to my mom and said, "Beautiful...just fucking beautiful."
 
My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW, that's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
 
A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody"

His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."

"Oh come on" replies the bartender.

The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."

He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.

The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar".

The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says " See that".

The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You asshole that's just another cigar."

Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!"
 
A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."

"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did.

But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top