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The Other Half

My wife bitched about it for a while. I told her the time I spent outside or at the lounge smoking were my stress relief measures, and she had 3 options:
1. I could eliminate all the stress in my life by getting divorced, putting the kids up for adoption, and quitting my job
2. We could start having more sex so I could relax
3. She could stop bitching.

She still doesn't like the cigars, but she doesn't say much about them anymore.
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I'm lucky in that the my wife doesn't give me grief about my cigars. A few years ago I might have tried to please her, but now I don't think I would. I suppose an issue for health could be made, but in moderation they're probably not any worse for us than other things people do on a daily basis. Most of us have probably ate at McDonalds, had a steak, or something else along those lines in the not too distant past. Life is for living, not worring about every possible thing that could take us down. The time I spend relaxing with a cigar makes me a better father and husband the rest of the time.
 
investandprosper said:
No worries, gents. Thanks to those who posted helpful ideas on this delicate subject. Let it end here.
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....so, I'm going out on a limb here and going to offer my sincere advice. You may not like it, you may not appreciate it, but you asked, so here it goes anyway.

A good marriage is a partnership, but there comes a time that you get to say "this is who I am, this is what I like, and that's how it is". Perhaps this is one of those times.

Not out of arrogance, not out of spite, but out of honesty. You want to have a cigar a few nights a week? Brother, have one! My guess is that you're not one of those guys that closes the local tav four nights a week. If you're home, and having a peaceful smoke in the luxury of your garage or smoking area, your wife should respect the fact that you are home, that you love her, and the occasional smoke is just part of the deal. You could have far worse habits, to be sure.

My wife happens to smoke cigarettes several times a day. Neither of us smoke in the house, and I appreciate that. The lingering odor of smoke is offensive to many; you could walk into my home and never know that smokers live here, let alone regular smokers. If you're not "stinking up the house" I don't see the problem. There is no causal link between smoking cigars and cancer that has been proven conclusively. Doc's examples are good points, and solid examples. If you're wife has fallen into the anti smoking nazi trap, educate her. If the smell on you offends her, gargle, wash up, and brush afterwards....pretty simple.

The terse comment would be something like "grow a pair and tell her it is how it is". Within some decorum and moderation, even a bit of compromise, I believe that may be the answer.

I will add that I end most every day with a great smoke, and a beverage of some type on the deck, enjoying the leaf and the quiet of the night. It's my hour of solitude, an hour of peace and quiet and relaxation and reflection. I come away from my time less stressed, and much better equipped to deal with the confusion that is modern life. I think if more people gave themselves an hour of pure enjoyment and reflection every day, things in general would be far less crazy then they are now.

Yes, I eat steak, too.....
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That's my advice....your choice is to take it or leave it. No offense either way. You asked, right...??

JMHO - B.B.S.

PS: Wife version 2.0 and I are celebrating 18 years together, today. I came home to wonderful dinner in the oven. My wife told me "...I figured you'd like a cigar and a drink first....". See why we're still together...??....
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Whenever I finish a cigar in the evening I shower, brush, and gargle. You wouldn't know I was smoking. It's the health thing for her. I will be sticking around, I'm not ready to give up the leaf any time soon. That hour or two with a drink, cigar, and whatever novel I am working on a few nights a week is important to my sanity. Two kids under two will do that to a person.

Thanks all for posting, I appreciate it immensely.
 
I think you're on the right path, best of luck to you. I read the article your wife left you and I would advise going over it with her in a calm, rational manner. Most studies I've seen on smoking link cigars to cigarettes by calling them both tobacco products. While that's true, that is pretty much where the similarities end and any further linking is disingenuous in my opinion. HERE is a link to a discussion about cigars and health and a good representation of some of the poorly written and supported articles I've seen. In the article you linked to I found the following passage interesting:

Since the mid-1960s the Federal Trade Commission has overseen a testing program to report the amount of tar, nicotine, and carbon monoxide for most brands of cigarettes. But cigars are not required to go through these tests, and makers of cigars do not have to report such levels to any federal agency.

I would love to see a comparison of the level of these contents on cigars vs. cigarettes. While cigars usually do have more nicotine in them vs. a cigarette, nicotine has not been proven to be a carcinogen. Although the state of California lists it as EVIL , I take that with a grain of salt. No offense Phil.
 
B.B.S. Said it perfectly. It truly is a partnership, give and take. Sometimes you need to give a little more, sometimes she does. This is one of those times where she may need to just understand that this is how its going to be. Like he said, just have a calm conversation and help her understand.

Happy Wife, Happy Life!


Best of luck!
 
Firstly, what Doc said is true, once a thread is made we have up a year to post on it, so eventually another newb will bring it up again. Depending on my mood at the time I post, it can range from serious opinion to just plain wise ass. It's all stress relief for me when I log onto CP.
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Back to the topic. Since everyone calls 911 eventually , I've gone on thousands of calls into people lives. Yes, we get the lung cancer stage 4 calls or the emphesyma calls. But they are far outweighed by the number of diabetic shock, stroke, asthma, heart attack, drug overdoses, fatal car accidents, and hip breaking falls. What I'm saying is that nowadays, something like a cigar hobby is not the thing that MOST likely will kill you. Pick any one from the previous statement or add suicide, murder, or being run over.

I see how people die and what they die from, a cigar hobby is not it. All the other lifestyle factors helped you get there.

Dave
 
I completely agree. I'm a fairly healthy and athletic person anyway, so I doubt a couple of cigars a week would do me in.

I didn't have any cigars at all on our trip to Vegas (sorry WKOTI and Par 3 :blush: I owe you guys a drink and a smoke next year ), so when I got back I enjoyed a cigar pretty much every evening for a few days. One was a Siglo IV that I brought on the trip to smoke on my birthday, another a PSD4, and a WOAM. A couple of days later I had the CoRo, which is when I found the article left on my laptop. I probably just overdid it with her. We're still a relatively young couple (she's 26, I'm 28), been married for 3.5 years (but dated for 8), so the ultimatum route isn't one I want to take at this point in our lives. Had we both been older, that may have worked :laugh:

My goal with this thread was to glean some wisdom from those who have developed a happy coexistence between their spouse and their beloved cigars, and how they have done so. Not reinventing the wheel so to speak. I very much appreciate the BOTLs to took the time to write here and give examples from their own lives. Sharing information and wisdom is one reason I love CP so much. I have learned SO much from you guys in a short two months and am extremely grateful.
 
A wise man once told me, if it Flies, Floats or F*cks it's cheaper to rent it... When the one I have doesn't like my hobby, I return them for the new model! :whistling:

My $0.02

WKOTI
 
Right now, I am in the garage by the open side door with a cool breeze, enjoying a WOAM purchased from Gabriel (outstanding, absolutely perfect) with a mug of lemonade and reading Scarlet by Stephen Lawhead. My wife is inside baking and doesn't have the slightest qualm. Life is good. Dave, this one tastes like the one you sent me in the trade. So tasty.
 
Sounds like her jab at your hobby was just her way of saying "I Love You". Glad Jay had the best advice of all.
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investandprosper said:
No worries, gents. Thanks to those who posted helpful ideas on this delicate subject. Let it end here.
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I am in the same boat my friend with my GF; grandfather passed from lung cancer. Myself I am overall very healthy, run 5 miles a day, eat right, etc. I just don't do it around her at all, but she doesn't live with me, still I respect that she does not want to be around it.

In fact I live in one of the more annoying anti smoking communities of Chicago, so it is hard for me to smoke anywhere without getting Hell. I found a couple great hangs though where I can go and sit in a comfy chair and smoke away. Pick your battles though and I definitely respect your opinion about cutting back, something we don't often talk about here.
 
I guess I've been lucky where my wife actually asks me to light up because she likes the smell. I just have to be sure to leave the stinky outside when I'm done. Being really busy, I really only get to smoke 3-4 max a week so again, its nice because she joins me with a glass of wine when I'm out smoking. Lots of good advice above. My 2 cents, be sensitive to her moods/feelings and she'll in time realize that its much better that you're in the garage relaxing rather than being out in the bars. She's lost loved ones and because its recent, its probably on her mind often. No matter what you try and explain to her, you're gonna get the "You're just getting advice from the guys on the cigar board so of course they're going to say there's nothing wrong with it!" discussion but you just have to take some time and just have a discussion. Whether it takes 1 or 10 talks, she'll gradually be at ease. Like lurch says, its all about living life not worrying about it. Remember that line from Ferris Bueller that goes something like ""Life goes by pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it" G1
 
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