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My wife will never know about this....

zeemanb

zeemanb

Well-Known Member
Joined
Feb 12, 2015
Messages
1,341
She'll never know, but I have to share it somewhere that isn't as public as Facebook.....I trust many of you will relate to this.  She hates bugs, especially spiders. But she is beyond terrified of snakes...a plastic snake prank would be grounds for divorce, seriously.  We dropped the kid at daycare today and had the day off to eat some good food and just hang out watching R-rated movies and episodes of Game of Thrones with no paranoia of the 2 year old being emotionally damaged.  
 
When it was getting close to time to pick up the kid, we were running around the house doing various chores.  I was heading to the basement to kennel the dog, and I have no idea at what point it got into the house, but looking down from the top of the stairs I saw a two foot garter snake lying at the bottom.  He must have come in through the garage at some point, but the timing of his exit was critical because my wife was headed to the bathroom and then downstairs.  If she saw it, I would be writing this story from a hotel room as we watched our house burn down on tv (a fire she would set to get rid of the snake).  
 
The good news was it was too big to be THAT fast, so I should be able to catch it.  That was also the bad news, because while there was no danger from a bite, I'd just rather not.  I also didn't want to just kill it with a cleaver or something....the mess would not be cleaned up quickly enough, plus I have nothing against this snake.  I got up next to it and pinned its head to the carpet with my foot, and just started kind of scooting it towards the door.  He wrapped himself up my leg, and the whole time my wife is talking to me from upstairs...."You wanna drive, hon?  Oh, sure, no problem."....."You think we're leaving in time to get to the gas station?  I don't think it will be a problem!"  There was no getting him over the door jam with my foot on his head, so I reached as high up as I could to keep him from biting me and picked him up.  Then he's wound all up my arm, all kinds of pissed off.  Toilet flush upstairs, we are in the danger zone.  She's on her way down.
 
I got him outside quickly enough and tossed him in the ditch by the street.  Hopefully he has no inclination to come back and experience the lack of hospitality any time soon.  I will never share this story with my wife.  She wouldn't still burn the house down, but we would definitely have to move. 
 
 
Good story!

Your wife sounds like my twin... Makes my hair stand up just reading it...
 
Good thing I don't have to deal with that.  Bad enough my wife hates the B-52's (roaches) and centipedes.
 
I must have married her twin. She will squish roaches, handle a normal spider, help a moth outside etc., but a snake, aw crap you should hear the scream. I hear you brother loud and clear.
 
With spiders and wasps I can at least barter myself out of the next couple of dirty diaper changes before I kill them, but snakes.......I'm pretty sure she'd react more favorably towards living in the Poltergeist house.
 
oke&coke said:
Good thing I don't have to deal with that.  Bad enough my wife hates the B-52's (roaches) and centipedes.
Click to expand...
 
I hear you on that one!  First, I'm not afraid to admit that I am scared shitless of snakes.  It's a phobia -- nothing I can do about it.  Big snakes, small snakes, red snakes, blue snakes... Fook 'em.  The only good snake is a dead snake.  I understand the wife, though.  I can barely see a picture on TV or in a magazine/book and not get a bit tight in the chest.  I heard about people finding Brown Tree Snakes in their closets when I lived on Guam.  Fuck.  That.  I'd move.  I'd seriously friggin move.  If there was anything to save once the fire died down, maybe I'd grab that then, too.  Snakes.  Nope.
 
However, I'm not really bugged (no pun intended) by roaches or centipedes -- both of which are in abundant supply here.  Guess who has to come hobbling at speed every time someone shrieks in the other room (or even out on the lanai)...
 
kann said:
 
Good thing I don't have to deal with that.  Bad enough my wife hates the B-52's (roaches) and centipedes.
Click to expand...
 
I hear you on that one!  First, I'm not afraid to admit that I am scared shitless of snakes.  It's a phobia -- nothing I can do about it.  Big snakes, small snakes, red snakes, blue snakes... Fook 'em.  The only good snake is a dead snake.  I understand the wife, though.  I can barely see a picture on TV or in a magazine/book and not get a bit tight in the chest.  I heard about people finding Brown Tree Snakes in their closets when I lived on Guam.  Fuck.  That.  I'd move.  I'd seriously friggin move.  If there was anything to save once the fire died down, maybe I'd grab that then, too.  Snakes.  Nope.
 
However, I'm not really bugged (no pun intended) by roaches or centipedes -- both of which are in abundant supply here.  Guess who has to come hobbling at speed every time someone shrieks in the other room (or even out on the lanai)...
 
Click to expand...
I guess no matter what, we will aways be expected to kill shit the wife don't like. :laugh:
 
oke&coke said:
 
 


Good thing I don't have to deal with that.  Bad enough my wife hates the B-52's (roaches) and centipedes.
Click to expand...
 
I hear you on that one!  First, I'm not afraid to admit that I am scared shitless of snakes.  It's a phobia -- nothing I can do about it.  Big snakes, small snakes, red snakes, blue snakes... Fook 'em.  The only good snake is a dead snake.  I understand the wife, though.  I can barely see a picture on TV or in a magazine/book and not get a bit tight in the chest.  I heard about people finding Brown Tree Snakes in their closets when I lived on Guam.  Fuck.  That.  I'd move.  I'd seriously friggin move.  If there was anything to save once the fire died down, maybe I'd grab that then, too.  Snakes.  Nope.
 
However, I'm not really bugged (no pun intended) by roaches or centipedes -- both of which are in abundant supply here.  Guess who has to come hobbling at speed every time someone shrieks in the other room (or even out on the lanai)...
 
Click to expand...
I guess no matter what, we will aways be expected to kill shit the wife don't like. :laugh:
 


 
I'm just glad the biggest thing I have to kill when I hear screaming is something like a wolf spider.  When I lived in Arizona and worked at a church camp near Tuscon, they have tarantulas.  TARANTULAS!  That's like killing a small animal, but a lot grosser.  I think the use of a flamethrower is reasonable in that situation.
 

 
 
I killed a large garter snake a few years back. I've had mice problems ever since.
 
Doc
 
My Dad has the same phobia.  He has to leave the room when there is one on TV.  As a child I would go into the woods and catch snakes and we would play around with them for a while and then let them go.  One time I put a garter snake in a large jar and kept it in the garage for a few days trying to feed it crickets and such.  My Dad found it and went crazy telling me to get rid of it.  Well, it escaped the jar and went back out to the garden I guess.  I had to clear everything out of the garage and look for the snake, twice since i didn't find it the first time.  For at least ten years my Dad would go into the garage and every time he moved something he would do it with extreme caution for fear the snake was lurking under something.  If I was home I had to do it. 
 
Try your best to keep up the ruse and don't make a mistake.  Garter snakes are great around the garden. 
 
Devil Doc said:
I killed a large garter snake a few years back. I've had mice problems ever since.
 
Doc
Click to expand...
 
One of my very first apartments, I shared with 4 friends. One had pet snakes. Three altogether, some combination of pythons and boas. One day we found a mouse in the basement (snakes were kept caged on the 2nd floor). For the next week, if someone was home, one snake roamed free at a time. All us guys were fine with it. But it's funny as hell when we're sitting in the living room with a bunch of women, and all of a sudden whichever one was loose would come wandering into the room. Took care of the mouse problem, though. 
 
Great story, and I can appreciate the non-killing aspect of it. :)  I have a deal with spiders...I don't like them, and I'm not quite sure they are fond of me...but I won't kill them and I hope in appreciation, they won't kill me (or crawl in my mount while I sleep at night..etc etc.).  
 
My wife kills them on site.  So when I see one I just them them that she sleeps on the other side of the bed...have fun! :p
 
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